I’m going to be honest. I don’t know what the main storyline is this season, and I teach this plot and story and character stuff. Honestly, I don’t think the writers know what the main storyline is this season. Bigger than that, I don’t think they’re doing what they think they’re doing.
Another thing, my attitude toward this show has reached a low. I’m just here for Alex. And sometimes Michael.
Let’s do this.
Really
Clyde collects a bunch of alien stuff and commits a bit of arson over a jaunty boot-stomping number. It allegedly involves getting back to Oasis, or so the plot thus far has led you to believe. Alas, he still needs Liz Ortecho, which Jones either discovered last season or knew back in 1947 before she was born. The other alternative is the writers just wrote that the alien Alighting needs human Liz for because and that’s why. Choose your own adventure, folks.
Later, we discover that Clyde also stole, crashed, and vandalized Dallas’ car with the alien symbol. This whole thing must be his idea of fun. It’s my idea of an unnecessary scene.
Even later, he gets weird with Liz’s student at the Crashdown. Is there a kidnapping in our future? Maybe? Who knows.
Seriously
Look, here’s Rosa, all the way from New York, to echolocate Alex using a strand of his hair. Shockingly, this plan doesn’t work. Alex doesn’t reach out to Maria and Rosa, but I bet he’s judging them from the alien sand pit. I’m judging them from the sofa wearing one crew length Ernie sock, one knee high Big Bird sock, a Biceratops Pride t-shirt, and blue terry cloth shorts, drinking Caprisun out of a Yeti and eating Annie’s fruit snacks for lunch, so if I can judge, the “pretty fella” definitely can.
There’s a part of me that believes Maria has been keeping strands of Alex’s hair in a lockbox since middle school after she watched Twitches at a sleepover because she’s in love with him. Let’s call it canon.
Also canon, the writers have never known what to do with Maria, so they keep shoving her into storylines. First she’s here then she’s there and then there and there and there. They should have made her the villain. The writers really missed that opportunity during the season she wore ostrich feathers and Abominable Snowman fur. She was like a Cruella in training. And if we’re being honest, in many ways, and to some people, she already is the villain in this story.
Once the connection between Mimi and Theo’s alien dragonfruit tree was revealed, playing detective with Dallas was her story. She doesn’t belong in Michael and Alex’s. Her presence in their relationship is one of the reasons it’s so easy to hate watch this show.
Do Better
Uh oh, Michael overhears that Alex is missing and realizes that his “friends” have, once again, decided to infantilize him.
A bunch of hours later, Maria walks on the floor of The Pony without shoes, which lets Alex communicate with Michael. First Alex flashes some lights, but then he plays “Would You Come Home” on the piano and Michael joins him on the guitar. It’s a duet designed to feed #malex fans, but I question if it’s really enough. Maybe it is, but I doubt it. It came too late to garner the desired impact. It takes more than a ghostly duet to quell justified frustration over a season that has sidelined Alex.
And I'm not talking physically, actor availability is a reality many shows have faced. I'm talking about keeping Alex at the center of Michael's heart and arc. Let Michael sit down and have a conversation about missing Alex. Give the audience that onesided voicemail that Michael leaves for Alex; one that's about them and not centered on another character. Have Michael sit down at the end of a long day and let him ramble to Alex's voicemail, a smile on his face and a whispered I miss you, I love you at the end. And above all, let him be the one to realize that Alex is flipping missing.
And I dare say, using Maria as the tunnel between Michael and Alex is a big do not want for many of those fans. Again, I’m not saying anything the writers and showrunner don’t know. The fact that they didn't give Michael those emotional beats and spread Maria throughout Michael and Alex's storyline is a choice. A deliberate dickish choice but a choice.
A Man Without a Plan
Have you ever been in a situation where people come up with ideas and that one person keeps shooting them down without offering any alternatives? That’s Max. I think Michael’s plan was to go into the alien sand pit and look for Alex. That plan isn’t good enough for Max, but he doesn’t offer up a plan of his own.
I think my plan would have been to punch Max until he started to bleed, tie the rope around his ankle and his Jeep, throw him in the hole, jump in after him, use his blood to mark my path, find Alex, and have someone backup the Jeep to pull the three of us out of the hole. A lot of words but not complicated.
All of that is to say, Alex is still in the hole. Viewers still haven’t seen him. And unless his cool jacket had secret pockets filled with water, he’ll be dead before next week’s episode because that’s how real science works.
Remember When
As soon as someone tells you they’ve been vaping alien cells, which has given them an advanced understanding of biochemistry, you should hit them with something, tie them to a chair, and exit the situation. As soon as someone tries to peer pressure you into vaping alien cells, you should exit the situation. As soon as you see that someone has their dead child in cryostasis, you should exit the situation. There were so many times during Liz’s situation with Shivani that she should have backed out of the room. Liz makes bad decisions. Constantly. Always.
I don’t understand how she isn’t tired of herself at this point.
Let’s Talk About Anger
Michael Guerin going off on this group of clowns was my most favoritest part of this entire episode. It was a feast. All the kudos to Michael Vlamis for making me sit up and care. Sadly, the writers ruined it with what followed.
Anger is a justified and acceptable feeling. Period. You are allowed to be angry. Don’t ever let someone tell you how you should feel about what happened to you or how they’ve treated you.
Is it okay to punch people when you’re angry? The societal answer is typically no. Society says that violence is never the answer. However, if it is the alien Max Evans of Roswell, New Mexico then the answer is yes. Max should be punched in the face far more often than he has been. Feel free to disagree.
I say all of this to say that Michael Guerin was justified in his anger. And so what if he let some truth bombs slap people in the face, letting truth bombs fly when you’re angry is one way to process your feelings. Also, Michael lives with and is in a committed loving relationship with Alex, so why would friends keep serious information about Alex from him. Did he scorch the earth the last time Alex went missing? Yes, he did. What were the rest of them doing? They were huddled together at The Pony hoping and wishing while Michael got his hands dirty. We’ll ignore the part where the writers had Michael leave Alex chained up so he could ride the Ferris Wheel with Maria.
And why is Michael’s level of scorched earth unacceptable. This group of “friends” couldn’t cobble together a moral compass between them. Violate trust, bodies, and scientific ethics? They got you. Use violence to interrogate a suspect? They’re down. Lie, steal, gaslight? They consider that game night.
And the worst part of all — Michael apologizing to the people who wronged him. Talk about a cycle of abuse. In addition to being occasionally stupid, this show is occasionally gross. I would say do better, but they won’t get a chance, so instead I’ll say go take a seat and think about what you’ve done.
Elsewhere
We discover that Tezca was brainwashed by Jones. She was once on the side of Nora and Louise, but then Jones somehow manipulated her into believing she supported Ophiuchus. Tezca is gobsmacked by this revelation. Sadly, this leaves mustache twirling Clyde as the villain option.
Rosa tells Maria that her new alien power is seeing between dimensions. Let’s all collectively recall that Maria doesn’t have any alien DNA and never spent a decade soaking up alien pod juices. Then let’s all remember that I cannot with this stupidity. Here’s my analysis: In the Roswell, New Mexico writers room, there is no bottom when it comes to stupid ideas or desperation over making Maria plot essential. She has been wasted as a character since the first episode and every attempt to correct that fact as been a terrible idea. How low can we go must be their mirror mantra.
Confessions and Noticings
The actress playing Tezca (Paloma Guzmán) was on a season two episode of Person of Interest (POI), “Masquerade.” The song played at the end of this episode was a cover of “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails. Johnny Cash’s most excellent cover of “Hurt” was used in what was the best ever episode of POI, “The Devil’s Share.”
I would have quit reviewing this episode and maybe the show if Maria had fallen into that alien quicksand hole and met up with Alex. Quit. Without hesitation. I was shouting don’t you freaking dare at the television. I was not saying freaking.
Is anyone wondering what alien once resided in the broken pod Shivani has been hiding? Is it Noah’s?
I’ll be traveling next Monday and the Monday after that, but once I figure out time zones, I’ll do my best to still post the reviews on Tuesday.I’ll be traveling next Monday and the Monday after that, but once I figure out time zones, I’ll do my best to still post the reviews on Tuesday.
