A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
1. Gideon: "Sessions are three hours, three days a week. The dialysis machine works just like your kidneys: it filters your blood, puts it back into your body. I usually make a joke here to lighten the mood, but you were late and I can't reward that."
2. Drew: "Sorry about your mom." Sam: "What?" Drew: "The chemo." Sam: "Oh, no. My mother's fine. She's dating a guy younger than me. I just can't let work know I'm sick. That'll get you fired faster than being pregnant."
3. Eli: "I would take a kidney from Hannibal Lecter if he was offering. You know, assuming it wasn't chewed on." Sam: "Ayatollah Khoneini, hand it over." Jerry: "Mother Teresa, give it." Sam: "How is she a terrible person?" Jerry: "Did not see the pattern." (Folie-lex)
4. Jerry: “You, uh, carry a lot of tension in your jaw.” Drew: “Oh, I assure you, it’s everywhere.”
5. Sam: “Gideon, can I skip out early? I’ve got a meeting at 10.” Gideon: “Is it with God? You keep skipping out on dialysis, that’s the only meeting you’re going to.”
6. Drew: “Uh, Gina, we haven’t seen each other since high school. We barely know each other. I just want to make sure that you’re really committed to doing this.” Gina: “I gave you my word, and where I come from that’s the only thing a person has to give...except for, you know, money or sex.” (Dahne)
NCIS: Los Angeles -
5. Sam: “Gideon, can I skip out early? I’ve got a meeting at 10.” Gideon: “Is it with God? You keep skipping out on dialysis, that’s the only meeting you’re going to.”
6. Drew: “Uh, Gina, we haven’t seen each other since high school. We barely know each other. I just want to make sure that you’re really committed to doing this.” Gina: “I gave you my word, and where I come from that’s the only thing a person has to give...except for, you know, money or sex.” (Dahne)
1. Arkady: “Training for triathlon.” Kensi: “Really? What are your events? Drinking, gambling, and smoking?”
2. Callen, after a Navy SEAL explains the domino effect to a rogue Russian plane that ends with China taking over the world: “You should be writing children’s books.” Sam: “He’s not wrong.” Callen: “But bloody depressing.”
3. Nell: “So sorry. All I got were the names. Even those cost us a fortune. I’m just praying that they’re legit or else Hetty’s gonna be royally pissed.” Callen: “Well, don’t worry. Hetty’s not gonna fire you on your first day back.” Nell: “Oh, I don’t care if she fires me. I just don’t want her to kill me. Good luck, friend.” (Dahne)
NCIS: New Orleans -
1. Loretta, on the shortages in the morgue due to COVID: “I’m looking for anything you can spare - body bags, cleaning supplies, personnel. No, I know you’re busy there, too. Look, I’ll take anything you’ve got...except bodies.”
2. Loretta: “Hold on. Here. Take these.” Roger: “I’ll take one.” Loretta: “No, take them all, Roger. You’re on the front lines.” Roger: “Very nice of you. Can I get a hug?” Loretta: “How about a polite nod at 6 feet?” Roger: “We’ve both been through Katrina and came out on the other side. We can survive this too.”
3. Sebastian: “I’m all out of seasick patches and I’m terrified to go into any pharmacy right now...or anywhere. I sound really paranoid, right?” Pride: “Actually, you sound less paranoid than normal, considering what’s been on the news. You need to be prepared.” (Dahne)
2. Callen, after a Navy SEAL explains the domino effect to a rogue Russian plane that ends with China taking over the world: “You should be writing children’s books.” Sam: “He’s not wrong.” Callen: “But bloody depressing.”
3. Nell: “So sorry. All I got were the names. Even those cost us a fortune. I’m just praying that they’re legit or else Hetty’s gonna be royally pissed.” Callen: “Well, don’t worry. Hetty’s not gonna fire you on your first day back.” Nell: “Oh, I don’t care if she fires me. I just don’t want her to kill me. Good luck, friend.” (Dahne)
1. Loretta, on the shortages in the morgue due to COVID: “I’m looking for anything you can spare - body bags, cleaning supplies, personnel. No, I know you’re busy there, too. Look, I’ll take anything you’ve got...except bodies.”
2. Loretta: “Hold on. Here. Take these.” Roger: “I’ll take one.” Loretta: “No, take them all, Roger. You’re on the front lines.” Roger: “Very nice of you. Can I get a hug?” Loretta: “How about a polite nod at 6 feet?” Roger: “We’ve both been through Katrina and came out on the other side. We can survive this too.”
3. Sebastian: “I’m all out of seasick patches and I’m terrified to go into any pharmacy right now...or anywhere. I sound really paranoid, right?” Pride: “Actually, you sound less paranoid than normal, considering what’s been on the news. You need to be prepared.” (Dahne)
1. Cheyenne: "Damn, he's good!" Dina: "Oh, he's just campaigning. You could do that! Just play politics. Say good things about yourself, say bad things about Jonah, make some promises..." Cheyenne: "Yeah, but if I promise things, won't I have to do those things once I'm elected?" Dina: "God, no." Cheyenne: "Why not?" Dina: "No one knows, you just don't. America rules!"
2. Garrett: "I've been in love before." Sandra: "Oh, no. I mean, like, with a real woman. Not, like, with 'Tomb Raider.'"
3. [Dina and Cheyenne trying to convince everyone Johan is lying about being a feminist because he's been to Hooters] Jonah: "I'm a feminist! Okay? And I don't even like wings, I ordered the caprese salad!" Dina: "Hooters had a caprese salad on the menu?" Jonah: "They... made it special for me." [everyone reacts with disgust] Cheyenne: "The worst part of the story."
1. Wade [re: Natalie wanting to get her ears pierced]: "Well, I'm sorry, but your mom made Grace till she was 13." Natalie: "I am 13... if you round up." Wade: "Okay. Alright, if you're so mature lets make a deal: you want your ears pierced, restain the backyard fence." Natalie: "I can't do that! I'm only 12!"
2. Addie: "Dad can I get my ears pierced? Pleeeease?" Forrest: "Sure." Addie: "Oh... um... do I have to?" Forrest: "No." Addie: "Thank you." (Folie-lex)
3. Michelle: “Don’t think of it as giving up. Maybe be a little more open-minded. There are a lot of fantastic women in Raleigh who are not driving around in cemeteries with skunks in their cars.” Wade: “Michelle, that’s a great idea. I should focus on finding her car.” Michelle: “Nope. Not even kind of what I meant.” (Folie-lex and Dahne)
4. Delia: “I guess it would have been better if you never found out what that sticker meant.” Forrest: “Hey, come on, don’t shoot the messenger.” Delia: “We didn’t want a messenger. We were trying to hide the message.”
5. Wade: “...a baby blue Volvo wagon. I mean, come on, how many of those could there be in this town?” Forrest: “Literally thousands.” Wade: “Yes, but this one was old. It’s probably in the shop all the time. I mean, how many mechanics can there be in this town?” Ben: “Literally hundreds.” Wade: “See, we’re closing in.” (Dahne)
5. Wade: “...a baby blue Volvo wagon. I mean, come on, how many of those could there be in this town?” Forrest: “Literally thousands.” Wade: “Yes, but this one was old. It’s probably in the shop all the time. I mean, how many mechanics can there be in this town?” Ben: “Literally hundreds.” Wade: “See, we’re closing in.” (Dahne)
1. Sheldon: "The train museum is looking for a docent." Mary: "What's a docent?" Sheldon: "It's a person in a museum who gives information on the exhibits." Mary: "Do you think they'd le someone your age do that?" Sheldon: "Why not? I have a high school diploma." Mary: "True." Sheldon: "I know more about trains than anybody." Mary: "True." Sheldon: "And I have the unique ability to wear people down until I get my way." Mary: "So true."
2. Missy: "We need to stop so I can pee." George: "I told you to pee before we left the house." Missy: "That was an hour and a half ago." George: "Can't you hold it?" Missy: "I may spit like a man, but I have the bladded of a little girl."
3. Georgie: "Why are you watching Road House?" Mary: "Why aren't you at work?" Georgie: "I asked you first and my question is way more interesting." (Folie-lex)
What Else We're Watching
1. Ben: “That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.” Annie: “Ben, it’s 2020. What? Are you trying to jinx us?” Annie: “I don’t know. Old music, old movies, old TV shows, it’s kind of the only thing soothing the anxiety.” (Dahne)
1. Ethan: "My mom told me about you." Paul: "Yeah?" Ethan:" You don’t look like a billionaire." Paul: "You don’t look like a school shooter. Quick tip: Never take advice from home electronics." Ethan: "She told me you were like this." Paul: "Like what?" Ethan: "I heard her tell dad you think your money lets you say anything you want." Paul: "That’s fair."
2. Paul [re Ethan]: "That kid is a badass." (Folie-lex)
2. Paul [re Ethan]: "That kid is a badass." (Folie-lex)
1. Sheriff: "Smells good." Remy: "Thought you might be coming round." Sheriff: "Why's that? You been breaking some laws?" Remy: "If I was any good at law breaking, would I be eatin' a rat?" (Prpleight)