This episode is all voulez vous coucher avec moi. And touchez moi, mon amour. And Benji and dumb Derek. I was left conflicted.
Victor begins the episode sharing his good news with Simon—his relationship with Mia is “official.” Whatever you say, Victor. He goes on about the physical stuff, which is apparently awesome—“mad soft lips” and bonus when he kisses her he gets a tasty snack that he likens to Gatorade. Isn’t it romantic? We are then treated to a kissing montage. It provides some interesting information. Information that completely contradicts what Victor’s telling Simon. The kisses are always chaste when Victor initiates, but when Mia tries to go deep by holding his head Victor pulls away. Victor, my friend, you are not down with the physical.
Ali freaking Wong. That’s the paragraph.
This is a new Andrew. Not jock Andrew. Not antagonist Andrew. Not team captain Andrew. This is class clown Andrew. Alas, during health class he goes from class clown to gross in under 30 seconds over a picture of an anatomical vagina. Give it a rest, Andrew. Mia isn’t having it. Good for you, Mia. Lake read a lot more into Mia’s pointed response to Andrew than I did. From where I was sitting, he deserved the disdain. And it didn’t seem all that deep. He was being gross, and she let him know that he was a childish idiot. What else was there? I guess that’s what best friends are for? Seeing what others don’t.
Sorry, I can’t let it go at that. This feels like a moment where the writers left the audience to fill in blanks. Although, I’m not so sure we could. Obviously, this ties into whatever we aren’t being told about Mia and Andrew’s past. No doubt this is going to be one of those in retrospect moments, but I’m not a fan. This was purely telling and not showing. The writers wanted to drive the plot, but instead of this vague handwaving they could have easily expanded Mia’s dialogue, in the scene, to give the viewer a real clue, which also would have expanded her characterization. The English teacher in me is not okay with this scene. Rant over.
Anyway, Mia explains her snappish behavior as frustration over the glacial speed of her physical relationship with Victor. They’ve made it to whatever base includes grazing tongues, which sounds incredibly unappealing. Mia wants things to get sexier. Much sexier. What’s the well-oiled planned to go from grazing tongues to gyrating bodies? Sexting! Mia sucks at sexting. Lake takes over. She’s not subtle. Eggplant emojis abound. Victor thinks it’s a cute little invite to hang. Felix has to let him know that it means bow chicka wow wow time. Victor sucks at innuendo and the language of emojis.
Let’s head to the coffee shop where Benji is creating bad latte art. It’s supposed to be Derek. It looked more like Wilson Fisk aka The Kingpin. Benji and Derek’s one year anniversary is Friday. Really? Why does this surprise me? Am I the only one that feels like Derek might be in college? Derek wants to go see bands, but Benji is a romantic and wants something more meaningful to commemorate the special day. Victor suggests recreating their first date. Why are you helping him, Victor? Also, what 16-year-old does this? All I got was an upward nod while sitting in the stands at soccer matches. At least I think they were for me. Definitely could have been for the other girlfriend.
Benji gives Victor some sex advice. His advice can be boiled down to this: I’m gay, and I’ve done the sex with girls, which means anyone can do the sex with girls. The advice can be further simplified: Sex is supes easy! Obvi. Victor is shocked, which is shocking considering his life. Benji lets Victor know that it happened while he was figuring himself out. Hey, Victor? Does that sound familiar? Reminder from Benji: Human sexuality is a Cirque du Soleil show, and we’re all clowns, but sexy ones. I think clowns are terrifying, so what does that mean for my life?
Lake helps Mia make her room sexy, which involves red scarves draped artfully over lamps. I know this is going to be a minority opinion, but Mia’s back in her grandma clothes. Black, short, and sheer doesn’t automatically make it sexy. Mia confesses to Lake that she is not in fact of the virgin variety. Her first time was a mistake and awkward. Awkward is pretty standard, Mia. Lake wants to know who it was? Same. Mia claims it was some random camp counselor. Wait, was she a camper at the time? Usually this would matter, but we all know Mia is lying, right? We all also know that we’ve figured out the Andrew of it all, right?
For the record, not that I’m keeping score, this is the second time Mia’s lied to Lake. And believe me, I’m all about keeping personal what you want to keep personal, but say that instead of making up a story. A real friend will respect your boundaries. I want to say that this is wisdom born of age, but I just feel that’s friendship 101. Like the time you peed under the slide at the playground but forgot to pull your shorts down then when you emerged smelling weird with a clear patch of wetness, your friend pointed and asked, “what’s that?” You just said you had to go home and took off running. No lie necessary. And your friend didn’t bring it up the next day. That’s true blue.
At the Salazar residence, Victor is terrified. He looks like he’s about to vomit and pass out. Felix and Settlers of Catan to the rescue. I wanted to say Victor is trying to cheat his way out of Mia’s expectations by pulling a James T. Kirk on the Kobayashi Maru, but realized the reference would be lost on many. Before Victor and Felix arrive, Lake tells Mia that if Victor doesn’t hook up with her she will. That’s a good friend. Surprising no one, Operation Settlers of Catan doesn’t work. Mia is pissed at his obvious and clumsy attempt to avoid alone time with her. It also pisses off Lake and makes Victor feel guilty. Felix is king of the world.
Mia eventually leaves the room and Lake follows. Victor’s worry and guilt go into overdrive, but Felix lets him know if “you’re not ready then you’re not ready. Your body. Your choice.” Claps for Felix. He’s right, let Mia be pissed. He’s also wrong, Victor needs to talk to Mia. He has to be honest. As long as she’s pissed about his subterfuge and not the fact that he just isn’t ready, all is well. Well, other than the fact that they’ve both lied today. Victor finally goes to do the right thing—talk to Mia. Before he can get to Mia, Lake intervenes. She tells him to start acting like he likes Mia. I’m displeased. Can we all agree that guilt is a form of coercion? She throws out an “are you gay?” We all know Victor is afraid of the word gay, so he’s about to ignore his own boundaries and try to make magic happen with Mia.
As expected, Victor gives in to the guilt and fear by diving into Mia mouth first. It’s what Mia wants so she asks no questions about his earlier avoidance. I’m so disappointed in them. Time out to remind myself that they’re children. Mia moves to the bed, and Victor hides in the bathroom. When he emerges Mia realizes they need to talk. Showing the depth of her self esteem issues she starts with Victor not finding her attractive. Showing the depth of his confusion and fear, Victor gives her a partial truth. He blames Texas and its old fashioned values. I guess they didn’t live in Austin. Victor leaves but not before witnessing Lake and Felix making out hard.
Back at the coffee shop, Derek is less than enthusiastic about Benji’s surprise. Plus, he just wants to go to the show. Derek says dumb things and ignores Benji’s reaction. He says more dumb things, but admits he’s a dick. Yeah, Derek, you are. Benji, you can do better. Benji lets him go to the show while he stays behind to clean up. Good thing because Victor passes by on his way home and is lured inside by Benji’s pouty mouth and floppy hair. Will Victor finally take some of Simon’s advice? Insert laughing emoji.
Back to Mia. She’s looking at a few pictures with Victor before scrolling back to October 2018. It’s Andrew. And Mia. Being fun and flirty and kissing. Our picture is almost complete. What happened?
I don’t know, friends. I said a lot and I’m still not sure how I feel about this episode. I love the sex positivity. I love the you get to decide when you’re ready. I love the lack of shaming. I don’t like the lies. Everything says I should have enjoyed this episode, so why didn’t I? Help me.
