A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
2. Judge Benner: "You made history today, so you know what? Don’t bother coming in tomorrow. You can work from home." Lola: "Lisa?" Judge Benner: "Carmichael?" Lola: "Too soon."
3. Lola: "Do you think justice was done today?" Mark: "I think it follows you, Carmichael. I don’t think you accept anything less. Now all year I’ve been hearing about the 'Lolacoaster', and..." Lola: "Oh, God!" Mark: "No, I’m... I get it now. There’s something magic about you in that chair, Lo." (Folie-lex)
2. Katie: "I want you to watch 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' season nine reunion show so that you can realize, A) it’s fantastic and B) there’s crazier out there than what you married." Greg: "How can you watch that garbage?" Katie: "Interesting. I seem to remember the head of the school recycling committee saying that we need to, quote 'rethink garbage.'" Greg: "That’s out of context."(They are SO married. - Folie-lex)
3. Oliver: "I can’t even get one day away from [my parents], you know?" Cooper: "Actually I don’t. I’m not even sure if my parents know I’m in LA." Oliver: "Aw, sorry dude. I forgot they’re AWOL all the time." Cooper: "Huh. I think I get what you were trying to tell me. It feels bad when your best friend has something you want but can’t have." Oliver: "How about this: from now on I’ll be sensitive to what you don’t have, and you’ll be sensitive to what I don’t have." Cooper: "Cool! And if you want I’ll keep sharing my money." Oliver: "And I’ll keep sharing my parents." Cooper: "Sweet. Can I get a little more Katie than Greg? I mean your dad’s chill, but your mom’s just on another level. I love that chica." (Folie-lex)
2. Natalie: "You know what? You're the one who has no idea what you're talking about. This isn't like choosing some dress for that stupid quinceañera you keep wanting to throw me." Mari: "Don't you change the subject on me." Natalie: "Actually you know what? Maybe it is just like that. I don't have a choice in throwing that party, just like I don't have a choice in who I am!" (Folie-lex)
2. Dre: "The man is charismatic. And when he turns the charm on he’s irresistible. Where do you think I got it?" Bow: "Oh Dre. You’re having a rough day, so I’m just gonna nod and smile." (Folie-lex)
2. Raymond: "You’re a lawyer. What does “moral character” have to do with anything?"
3. Raymond [re: Al Roker]: "I once lost a bundle of money to Al thinking that he was bluffing during a game of seven-card stud. He has the sweetest, most childlike face but my guy, Al, is as serious as a heart attack. But don’t take my word for it. Talk to your client, see what’s happening in his neck of the woods." (KathM)
2. Kay: "Seems like you’re a little bit annoyingly sensitive, which is exactly what I would expect from a pregnant woman." Rio: "I am not annoyingly sensitive, I’m naturally sensitive all the time, you know that. You like it about me, you do! Say it!" Kay: "I like it about you."
3. Clara: "Baby baby baby baby baby...!" Deb: "Oh congratulations!" Clara: "Baby baby baby baby baby!" Mike: "They already know? We just found out." Rio: "I am never gonna get used to how quickly news travels in a small town." Mike: "I can’t be too judgy. I told everyone about Kent and Deb’s sex swing immediately." Rio: "Well, I mean... it’s a good scoop..." (Folie-lex)
1. Jim: “An Englishman’s home is his castle. Sing the National Anthem and I’ll let you stay the night.” Vinnie: “Christ. It’s like AirBNP.”
2. Vinnie: “If you rob that stately home you’re going to get caught and it’ll all end in shit. So here’s what I propose. Now, I’d say nine out of ten of our jobs go as…” Jim: “It’s seven. If you’re lucky.” Vinnie: “Sev..Seven out of ten of our job…” Tommo: “It’s six and half, innit really.” Vinnie: “Well six. Six out of ten of our jobs go...relatively well. And up to now none of yours have, alright.”
3. Vinnie: [points at broken vase]: “You’ve fucking broke that now haven’t you, you bellend.” Cardi: “S…s…sorry.” Vinnie: “Can only take you somewhere twice. And once is to apologize.”
4. Ronnie: “Erin, you know what? [puts foot on table] I have already set my foot on the road to Domestos.” Erin: “Damascus.” Ronnie: “Erin, I’ve genuinely opened up a new leaf.” Erin: “Why do you always get it wrong, it’s turned over a new leaf.”
5. JJ: “Interestingly, they have very similar sleep cycles to humans, pigs.” Tommo: “If you’re gonna start a sentence with interestingly, it’s important to honor that promise.” (Sandi)
2. Jackie: "So the sermon’s over. Why are you still here?" Sammy: "I don’t know. It just makes me feel good. It’s peaceful." Jackie: "Makes sense. I know it wasn’t these cushy benches. My butt bone is not gonna wake up ‘til Easter."
3. Jackie: "Since you’re freakishly generous and annoying optimistic, and since underneath your hoity-toity BS you’re actually loyal and loving..." Lizzie: "If you’re asking a favor this is a terrible way to do it." (Folie-lex)
1. Jen: "You know what? Fuck it. Why don't we have that orange wine right now." Karen: "Uh- It's 11:30am." Jen: "Be cool, Karen."
2. Judy: "Hi! Ben!" Ben: "Hey!" Jen [under breath]: "Who the fuck is Ben?" Ben: "Um... I'm the fuck is Ben?"
3. Jen [crying]: "You are, like, the kindest person maybe in the whole fucking world. I love you so much. I really do. Will you be my person?" Judy: "Yes. I'll be your person."
4. Judy: "I made you a heart!" Jen: "Gross."
5. Cashier: "Oh, sorry, your card didn't go through." Jen: "Oh, just run it again, please." Cashier: "Uh, I already did. Twice." Jen: "Well, then something must be wrong with your runner thingy." Cashier: "Or your card's maxed out." Jen: "Maybe your card's maxed out!" Cashier: "That doesn't even make sense... Just take some items out, do you really need eight bottles of wine?" Jen: "Oh, I'm sorry, are you the wine sheriff? Because I am the dick police and you have the right to remain fucking silent."
FBI: Most Wanted -
1. Jess: "When I saw Stevie's picture, I thought to myself 'I know this kid'. Five homicides later..." Clint: "We all got blind spots, bro. You still got the job done." (Folie-lex)
1. Jamie: "Don’t think that you are the only self-loathing asshole in the room, ever." (KathM)
1. MacGyver: “Codex dates back to the 14th century?” Leland: “I know. It's hard to believe, huh?” MacGyver: “How is that even possible?” Leland: “Well, a group of people got together back then with a singular purpose: to protect the planet from plague, from famine, and... excuse my French… dumbasses, like the people in power today.”
2. MacGyver: “Sometimes you just need that one person that you can count on. Who you trust. And, together, any problem can be solved.”
3. Gwen: "You deserve the world. And the world deserves you".
4. MacGyver: “This is not about opinions. It's about science. Our planet is in trouble. ’Knowing isn't enough. We must apply. Being willing isn't enough. We must do’. Da Vinci said that. And my mother.” (María Sol)
1. Magnum: “You know I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.” Katsumoto: “I don't know that. At all. Besides, isn't this a Higgins thing?” Magnum: “Well, uh... we're kind of working with opposing clients right now.” Katsumoto: “So you're admitting that you're useless without her.” Magnum: “No, I didn't say that.” Katsumoto: “Maybe you should.” Magnum: “Is that what it would take for you to help me?” Katsumoto: “Wouldn't hurt.” Magnum: “Okay. Fine. I am, uh… kind of useless… Without… Without Higgins.” Katsumoto: “Now, all together.” Magnum: “I'm kind of useless without Higgins. There. Can you just help me, please?” Katsumoto: Sorry, no can do without a warrant. Have a good one, Magnum.”
2. Higgins: "I don't want to live a lie.” Magnum: “I can't argue that. Are you absolutely sure about this?” Higgins: “Trust me. It's not a rash decision. Ever since you first mentioned… marriage as a solution to this problem, it hasn't sat well with me. I just didn't know to what extent until right now."
3. Icepick: “I don't want you to feel bad for me. I lived my life the way I wanted to. And most parts, I'm... I'm proud of, other parts not so much. But the part that had to do with you...I'm most proud of that. 'Cause you turned out to be one hell of a man. And always be grateful for them. Family. That's all we got... in the end.”
4. Higgins: “I trust that Magnum will look after you as I have done. Try not to be too hard on him, all right? I know it doesn't look like it from the outside, but he can be quite fragile.” (María Sol and Folie-lex)
2. Adam: "Everyone feels sorry for him, because he as those big sad eyes. Well my eyes may be small and beady but there is love behind them!"
3. Adam: "I invited Marcy. If she wants to bring her pet Sasquatch, that’s up to her." Andi: "Okay, that’s the last one. [laughing] It was a really good one." (Folie-lex)
2. Harrison: "Hold on. You’re quitting on me to go on the road for a baseball player?" Alicia: "Please tell me you know the difference between Jesse Jackson and Reggie Jackson." Harrison: "How am I supposed to keep up when there’s five of them." (While admittedly cringey because of how politically incorrect it was, I couldn't help but find it funny in how representative of the show's time and the character it is. - Folie-lex)
3. Paul: "But are we really a family who’d give up on our dreams for a raise?" Alicia: "Of course not. Maybe Denise and Harrison. I worry about Santi, but..." (Folie-lex)
2. Malcolm: "The only reason your mom is so overprotective is because of how much she cares about you." Marty: "Yeah. If you see a kid having too much fun that means his mom doesn’t love him." Grover: "So that kid in the front of the roller coaster with his hands up in the air..." Malcolm: "You mean the one eating that corn dog with no shirt on?" Marty: "Yeah. His mama don’t even know he’s here." Grover: "Whoa. That’s sad." Malcolm: "Exactly. So every time your mom tells you 'stop running', 'tie your shoes' or 'be careful', what she’s really saying is she loves you." (Folie-lex)
2. Lewis: "Who goes to the trouble of murdering someone so fucking boring? He was a goddamn choir boy." Tiago: "Then maybe we ought to check out the choir." (Folie-lex)
The Rookie -
1. Lopez: "But while I'm distracted those viejas are hijacking my wedding." Jackson: "Come on. I'm pretty sure it's not that bad." Lopez: "They decided the color scheme should be pink and peach." Jackson: "Oh no." Lopez: "Do I look like a woman who's ever worn peach?" Jackson: "No. You're definitely an autumn."
1. Lopez: "But while I'm distracted those viejas are hijacking my wedding." Jackson: "Come on. I'm pretty sure it's not that bad." Lopez: "They decided the color scheme should be pink and peach." Jackson: "Oh no." Lopez: "Do I look like a woman who's ever worn peach?" Jackson: "No. You're definitely an autumn."
2. Harper: "You do not, under any circumstance ever use the Q-word while on duty. That is like saying Macbeth in theatre, or talking about a no-hitter in the dugout." Nolan: "Okay. I had no idea you were superstitious." Harper: "That is not superstition. That's fact."
3. Tim: "You may be 30 days from crossing the finish line, but the only thing that happens when you cross it is that I won't be there to keep you from washing out. Or worse. So you better believe this next month is gonna be tough... 'cause I know you can handle it." Lucy: "That's oddly sweet." (Folie-lex)
3. Tim: "You may be 30 days from crossing the finish line, but the only thing that happens when you cross it is that I won't be there to keep you from washing out. Or worse. So you better believe this next month is gonna be tough... 'cause I know you can handle it." Lucy: "That's oddly sweet." (Folie-lex)
1. Liz: “Ah, I am coming with, and don’t you dare say I have to stay 'cause it’s 'police business', you bar wench.”
2. Michael: “Well, it was here a few months back! Did I miss an experiment where it grew legs and a fondness for the outdoors?”
3. Jenna: “How long was I gone?” Max: “Uh, well… Taylor Swift is president.” Jenna: “Oh, that’s good. Someone less emotional in the Oval Office.” (Jamie Coudeville)
1. Marge: "Lisa Marie Simpson, are you reading the Bible?" Lisa: "Yes, it's good, but I have a few notes..." [proceeds to show a page with labels "racist", "sexist", and "incest"]
2. Bode: "Dear God, please let 'The Simpsons' never end. Amen." (Abir Mohammad)
Single Parents -
1. Derek: "I heard all the parts. Especially the one where you said you wanted to be in a relationship with me?" Angie: "I said 'maybe'. And I was in a fight with my best friend. That’s legally the same as being drunk."
2. Miggy [to Will]: "I got mad respect for Poppy and Douglas. They had the guts to take a shot. The only thing worse than a breakup is letting those feelings eat you up. I could never do that, Could you?" (Look... I'm not a fan of the Angie/Will thing. But this quote deserves major props for its insightfulness. - Folie-lex)
3. Poppy: "You were Parent Trapping us." Amy/Emma: "WHOA!" Amy: "Poppy!" Douglas: "Look, I'm on your side, but it's 2020. You don't say that to twins." (Folie-lex)
1. Derek: "I heard all the parts. Especially the one where you said you wanted to be in a relationship with me?" Angie: "I said 'maybe'. And I was in a fight with my best friend. That’s legally the same as being drunk."
2. Miggy [to Will]: "I got mad respect for Poppy and Douglas. They had the guts to take a shot. The only thing worse than a breakup is letting those feelings eat you up. I could never do that, Could you?" (Look... I'm not a fan of the Angie/Will thing. But this quote deserves major props for its insightfulness. - Folie-lex)
3. Poppy: "You were Parent Trapping us." Amy/Emma: "WHOA!" Amy: "Poppy!" Douglas: "Look, I'm on your side, but it's 2020. You don't say that to twins." (Folie-lex)
1. J’onn [as M’gann arrived to help ]: "Han Solo never looked so good." (Zandarl)
2. Coop: "I've seen eight chiefs come and go. When I see one on the way out, I got into the habit, I guess, of standing aside. Survival instinct. But, uh... I shouldn't have done that with you. I shouldn't have said something. I'm sorry."
3. Lovell: "Movie studios, the beaches, the palm trees, that's for tourists. What LA is, really, is a place of business. And business needs calm, predictability. You are a disruptor. Milt Leakey is paleolithic, but he understood when to stay his hand. You, on the other hand, push and push for some abstract idea of what you think of as justice. It's destabilizing." Tommy: "You know, I really should thank you." Lovell: "Why?" Tommy: "Because now I know what I gotta do. I'm gonna get my job back, so I can put you in jail." (Folie-lex)
2. Emma: "If you’re saying this man was living just a few miles away from us, and never looked for us, why would I want to know this person?" Lyn: "Because he’s the only family we have." Emma: "We are the only family we have." (Folie-lex)
2. Colin: "I wish people would understand that I don’t live to drain. I drain to live. It is draining for them though."
3. Nadja [re: Colin Robinson]: "He’s not a wild card. He’s the card you get on the top of the deck that has the instructions on it, so you throw it away." (Folie-lex)
