A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the SpoilerTV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
1. Lockhart: “We are quickly running out of time.” Kai: “Thank you Assistant Director of the Obvious.” (Dahne)
2. Alex, when reinforcements with assault weapons arrive: “We’re gonna need a bigger plan.” ~~I love the Jaws reference here. It made me laugh. (Dahne)
3. Alex: “You’re alright, Lockhart. Just don’t get addicted to the action cause it doesn’t suit you.” Lockhart: “No, the Department needs guys like me in the home office and guys like you out in the field.” Alex: “Nope, I’m trying to stay away from stuff like this.” Lockhart: “There is no trying. Only do.” Alex: “Yoda? Really? That’s what you’re going with?” ~~~In honor of Star Wars Day. (Dahne)
1. Daniel: “103? This is the fourth floor. They didn’t have anything closer?” Lewis: “They didn’t have anything further away.” Daniel to Noa: “I think he’s starting to like me.” (Folie-lex and Dahne HM)
2. Vanessa: “This guy is the next Drake. He’s Degrassi era now but he’s about to blow up. So do you want to break the next Drake, or do you want the same DJ your cousin had whose greatest achievement was getting your bubbie to twerk to the Village People?” (Folie-lex)
3. Natalie: “I told her to leave. I really like her, and I think she likes me, and she’s so nice, and I freaked out. Can you believe that?” Mateo: “Yeah, I can. Call her.” Natalie: “I can’t.” Mateo: “Yes, you can. You better call her or mom’s gonna call her. You know that.” Natalie: “Well, what do I even say?” Mateo: “Hell if I know. They always hang up on me.” ~~This was such a cute brother/sister moment from start to finish. But this little tail end where he tries to give her advice but knows all he can offer is support was the sweetest. (Folie-lex)
4. Mari: “This is your grandfather’s rosary. I want you to say 3 Hail Marys before the plane takes off.” Natalie: “Ma…” Mari: “What?” Natalie: “Do you hear yourself?” Mari: “Let me ask you, Miss Sabelotodo. If I’m wrong, it costs him nothing but if I’m right…” Natalie: “Hmm, 20 centuries of guilt summed up in 11 words.” (Dahne)
5. Daniel: “Hey, fear is a terrible reason not to try.” (Dahne)
6. Daniel: “I learned today how celebrities like you have to smile when you’re in public even if you're making an a** out of yourself. Stop me when I’m wrong. Noa broke it off. Then, you begged her to get back together. She said, ‘No.” Then, she asked you not to come to this event and yet you still came. Now you’re using her dream to try to get her back in your life. Is that the story? Don’t lose that smile, superstar. Hold on to it, because your dignity...that’s long gone.” (Dahne)
1. Diane: “Write down the date, Jack. Today, I’m actually impressed with Junior.” Junior: “You gotta get up pretty early to pull one over on a man who reads Stroller Illustrated.” Diane: “Scratch that date Jack.” Jack: “I never wrote it down.” (Folie-lex)
2. Rhonda: “Dre, lesbians just don’t have babies by accident. You know how many hoops I had to jump through in order to get this far in the adoption process? Everyone has signed off, but you!” (Folie-lex)
3. Bow: “You don’t have to stop being her older brother. Maybe it’s time for you to just stop treating her like your baby sister.” (Folie-lex)
1. Mike: “Beau told me he’s like an incredible salesman, and I bought it. So I’m thinking maybe he is.” (Folie-lex)
2. Beau: “But just know no one hates Beau Bowman as much as Beau Bowman hates Beau Bowman.” Mike: “Well you are kidding yourself, because Mike Levine-Young, hates Beau Bowman way worse than Beau Bowman hates Beau Bowman.” Beau: “Oh yeah?! Well what Mike Levine-Young needs to know is that Beau Bowman...can we go back to using pronouns?” (Folie-lex)
3. Rio: “Tornado, like ‘warning’, or like a tornado’s happening right now?” Kay: “Like, get to the shelter, Dorothy, because in real life you don’t go Oz, okay? Your face gets planted in a tree.” (Folie-lex)
1. 1. Lizzie: “Jackie, I picked up a ton of things that will really make you sparkle for your date.” Jackie: “I don’t want anything that’s gonna make me look like a desperate hooker.” Lizzie: “I picked out one thing that will really make you sparkle for your date.” (Folie-lex)
2. Lizzie: “Sorry about earlier. You probably learned a few new curse words today.” Sammy: “No, I’ve driven with my mom.” (Folie-lex and Dahne)
3. Javier: “What a night! There was laughter, there was tears, there was screaming, there was goo! I think we had a whole parenting experience in one night.” Lizzie: “I’m not saying we’re quite ready to have kids of our own, but…” Javier: “It’s nice to know that if we do, we won’t be completely terrible at it.” Lizzie: “Yeah, we’ll just be as terrible as every other mom and dad.” (Folie-lex)
4. Jackie: “It’s like right when you get divorced, everyone’s like, ‘Get back out there. Have fun. Go meet some people.’ “ Luis: “But meeting new people is not fun.” Jackie: “It’s work. I tried dating a couple guys.” Luis: “But it takes so much time.” Jackie: “So much effort. I was shaving my legs, like, twice a month.” Luis: “That is crazy.” Jackie: “You know it’s only when I hear something funny or really sad that I miss it.” Luis: “Miss what?” Jackie: “Just having someone that gets why it’s funny or sad. Never mind.” Luis: “When you catch a firefly and you hold it a moment to capture the light, then just before you let it go, you turn because you want someone else to see it. That’s when I miss it. Having someone.”
5. Jackie after watching Sammy try to hug Lizzie: “That was hard to watch.” Luis: “Like a puppy trying to embrace a cactus.”
6. Lizzie: “Oh Javi, it’s not just the ring. Everything’s changed so fast. Last year we were in Rome making love. Now we’re in Reseda making slime.”
The Conners -
1. Ben: “I’m tired of being in this weird, amorphous, undefined, mid-life relationship.” Darlene: “I think you just defined it really beautifully.” (Kath M)
1. Hana: “There’s no ‘we’ here. I’m moving forward, right past you. You told my buddy the other day that you think I secretly dig your attention, which made me realize that you have been operating in the dark. That you have no concept of what your intention has done to me, the impact that it’s had on my life.” Jack: “Hana, I know…” Hana: “No, you don’t know, so now you need to hear me. After our one date, after a month of your constant attention - your texts and emails and buzzing my apartment day and night - I started having migraines. I’d get nauseous, sick to my stomach just to see an email in my inbox from you. Only 3 months later, I had an outbreak of eczema. I haven’t had eczema since I was eight. Then my period stopped. The doctor said it was all stress related. Here, I brought the doctor’s bills in case you don’t believe me. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I had to go on medication. I saw 3 different therapists. I was afraid. I carry a gun and I was afraid all the time because you made me afraid.” Jack: “I didn’t want to make you feel that…” (Dahne and Folie-lex)
2. Hana: “Maybe you thought that attention was sexy. It wasn’t. Maybe you thought it showed that you cared. It didn’t. Whatever you intended, it did the opposite and now you know.” Jack: “You’ve got to let me defend myself.” Hana: “No, I don’t. You’re not entitled to anything from me. My life is my life. You’re not a part of it. You were never a part of it. You’ll never be a part of it. You’re done with me, Jack, and I’m done with you.” (Dahne and Folie-lex)
2. Kenny: “How much do you have to p** off an 8-year-old to make him stalk you?” (Dahne)
3. Hana: “You always do that, always empathize with them. Try to make them feel better about themselves. Why?” Jess: “So they know they have a choice.” (Folie-lex and Dahne)
Episode 2.21 -
1. Alphonse: “If you ever figure out who’s behind it, please pass along my profound gratitude.” Miles: “Honestly, I’ve stopped looking. It’s kind of like CJ and his angel. As long as I’m doing good, does it really matter who’s whispering in my ear?” Alphonse: “No, it doesn’t.” ~~I agree completely with this sentiment and I am glad that it ended without a definitive answer.
2. Miles: “In today’s world, we see technology as a modern day miracle, but only when we use it to help others can it become one, when it reconnects us with people we needed to find to become the person we needed to be. But no matter how hard it is, when we choose to help or listen or forgive one another, those simple acts of kindness can change someone’s life in a way that can only be described as a miracle.”
3. Miles: “Corey, I know how difficult the idea of letting Alphonse back into your life may be, but we’re talking about your son. And if you can’t do this for CJ, the fracture that is already happening between you two...it’s only gonna grow, and I know you don’t want that to happen.” Corey: “Of course not, but you’re acting like forgiveness is some kind of choice.” Miles: “Isn’t it?” (Dahne)
Episode 2.22 -
1. Miles: “Dad, we can’t lose her.” Arthur: “I know, son.” Miles: “Dad, you know, I...I...I should’ve been here. I should have stopped it, but I wasn’t.” Arthur: “This is not your fault. There is no way anyone could have prevented this, but we are not going to lose her.” Miles: “No, you don’t know that.” Arthur: “Maybe I don’t, but I have faith.” Miles: “Faith. Hmm? Faith? That is not going to help her get through this.” Arthur: “It’s time like these I wish I could give you your faith back so that you could see that there is hope, that there is something you can do to help yourself get through this and to help Ali get through it.” Miles: “What can I possibly do to help her?” Arthur: “The same thing I’m gonna do. Pray.” Miles: “Dad…” Arthur: “I know how you feel, but prayer is action and prayer is what your sister needs right now.”
2. Ali: “Do you remember when I was ten and had to have my appendix out? I remember the doctor coming in and talking to you about having to get me into surgery right away. When I asked you what was gonna happen, do you remember what you said?” Arthur: “I told you that the doctors were going to put you to sleep but when you woke up, everything was gonna be fine.” Ali: “You promised me. You said you’d be the first person I saw when I woke up. Dad, I need you to make that promise again. I need to hear it.” Arthur: “Everything IS going to be okay. I’m gonna be right here when you wake up - the very first person that you see. I promise.”
3. Cara’s Mom: “Take it from me, nothing threatens a family more than keeping secrets.” (Dahne)
1. Magnum: “Before he died, my dad told me two of the most important things a man leaves behind are his friends and his family.” (Folie-lex)
2. Kumu: “You know, I feel guilty about not planning a bachelorette party for you.” Higgins: “Kumu, do I really strike you as someone who is willing to place singles inside a G-string whilst wearing a pornographic crown?” Kumu: “I guess that's more me, huh?” (Folie-lex)
3. TC: “It could be good for you, Murph.” Rick: “Hey listen, I’m giving you a shot. You got to take a chance on yourself.” Murph: “I just don’t believe anymore.” TC: “You are Master Gunnery Sergeant Sean Murphy. You made us into Marines, into men. You believed in us when we didn’t believe in ourselves. Now we’re gonna believe in you until you get there.” ~~~I have been thinking of dropping Magnum PI for a while now, but I’m glad I didn’t if only for the whole scene this quote came in. (Dahne)
4. Jin: “Hang on. What? Someone did all the legwork, risked their freedom, got away with, and then just gave all the stuff away?” Magnum: “Yeah, kind of like a modern day Robin Hood.” Jin: “More like a modern day idiot. As a former thief, I’m deeply offended.” (Folie-lex and Dahne)
5. Rick: “You know, I spent most of my adult life with a rifle in my hand and I didn’t know who I was gonna be without that. You know, I didn’t know if I would ever figure out who that guy was. It took some time but I did. You know, I had to fake it a lot. I tried to stay busy, you know, but I had my buddies and turned out pretty good.” Murph: “I’m happy for you but I’m not like you. I’m not. I appreciate you guys trying to help me, I really do, but if I was to get that job and screw it up. I mean you vouched for me.” Rick: “Hey, I’d do it all over again. So would this guy.” TC: “Hell yeah.” (Dahne)
1. Harrison: “Ever think maybe she was crushed by your lack of honesty, rather than the actual problem?” ~~He’s wiser about the parenting stuff than people give him credit for in my opinion. (Folie-lex)
2. Paul: “I don’t want (Bow) to feel that pain.” Harrison: “If you had never felt that pain, you never would have wanted to fight in the first place. When you stop shielding her from all the things she’s gonna have to fix, you’re gonna see that she’s a fighter just like you were.” Paul: “Thanks, dad.” Harrison: “For pointing out what a lousy father you’re being? Anytime.” ~~I maintain he is a lot wiser on the parenting stuff... just not the most tactful. (Folie-lex)
3. Alicia: “Sis, go live your life. And if you want a family, you have all the family you’ll ever need right here.” (Folie-lex)
1. Roundtree: “I need to think about it. You know, this...this team, it moves as a family. It has a very ‘all in’ vibe. I don’t take joining a family too lightly.” Callen: “Neither do we, for a lot of reasons.” Roundtree: “Thank you.” Callen: “And just so you know, if you decide to join, you won’t be immediate family.” Sam: “More like a second cousin.” Callen: “Yeah, once removed.”
2. Roundtree, after being threatened to be tortured by the Taliban: “Paperwork sounds really dope right about now.”
3. Callen to Sam: “This is your call, but if you ever wanted this to go away, now is the time.” Roundtree: “I know this isn’t my place, but if the truth is what matters…” Sam: “The truth is all that matters. I’m not dropping this that fast.” (Dahne)
1. Penelope: “Oh, what's wrong? Not having a care in the world getting you down?” (Jamie)
2. Avery: "If I wasn't already pregnant, I'd say let's go make a baby." (Jamie)
3. Alex: “I guess my mom knows how to get chicks.” (Jamie)
4. Elena: “So am I looking at a man now?” Alex: “Mom! Elena is being mean to me!” Elena: “Asked and answered.” (Folie-lex)
5. Max, about the romantic decorations: “Do I look like the kind of guy that’s gotta work this hard?” ~~No sir you do not! (Folie-lex)
6. Lydia: “Berto wanted his final resting place to be at home and I realised that wherever we are is home.” (Folie-lex)
1. Jessica: “Stop talking to the police, Malcolm. They are not your friends. My attorneys are. Good thing I hire them by the dozen. Let’s go. You’re grounded.” ~~Malcolm is charged with murder and is put on house arrest at his mother Jessica’s. She has feelings about it. (Kath M)
2. Jessica to Gil: “Well, I’d like to say that it’s a pleasure. Malcolm is in his room, sulking. It’s like the 90’s all over again.” (Kath M and Dahne HM)
3. Jessica: “You’re using my cashmere throw like it’s a paper towel.” (Kath M)
4. Martin: “Leaving all that DNA on the body? Very sloppy, son. You’ve got to clean up after yourself. It’s the first rule of killing...and kindergarten.” (Dahne)
5. Malcolm: “I’m...I’m sorry for everything my father did to you. For a long time, you were all I could think about - if you were real, if you were alive, if you were okay. And how I’m sorry that I couldn’t save you.” Sophie: “You were only a kid.” Malcolm: “I understand why you killed Eddie, but if I don’t find the real person who killed him I could go to prison for the rest of my life, which is why it’s such a shame I couldn’t find you. Came all this way, all the clues got me here, but I guess they were wrong. Not every case gets solved.” (Dahne)
6. Martin: “I love you both and being your father has been the best part of my life. You have been the best part…” Ainsley: “Stop. I don’t want to hear any last words. You are the Surgeon. You are the smartest one in here. Start acting like it.” ~~Ainsley is fierce in this episode and it was spell-binding. (Dahne)
1. Fletcher: “Auto theft. That turn you on, baby?” Harper: “Nothing like getting hit on by a 12-year-old delinquent to get your day started.” Fletcher: “Hey, yo! I’m 15.” Nolan: “Not better.” (Folie-lex)
2. Jackson: “I just want to put it out there that you’re completely disobeying a direct order from the Watch Commander.” Lopez: “Grey just wants me to play nice, but how I act isn’t going to matter to a geek who only looks at numbers. I need to convince him that there’s data that he’s not factoring into his algorithm.” Jackson: “And if he gets caught in the crossfire?” Lopez: “Problem solved.” (Folie-lex)
3. Thomas: “Nah, lady cop’s right. I’m no one to be proud of.” Hector: “How can you say that? You run things in here. People respect you.” Thomas: “No, they’re afraid of me. That ain’t the same thing.” (Folie-lex)
1. Rosa: “Oh, this is stupid. Ground my intention? I don’t speak bored rich lady at yoga.” Jamie)
2. Isobel: “Seriously, Max. If it doesn’t work out with you and Liz, you should save a horse, ride a cowboy.” (Jamie)
3. Rosa: “Let me guess, Liz called you.” Isobel: “Rosa, it’s not 2008. Only psychopaths call people now.” (Jamie)
1. Blake, after Ken has offered up his guest room: “That’s really sweet of you Ken. I appreciate it. Uh, quick question: when was the last time that you cleaned your bathroom?” Ken: “My... well... oh…” Blake: “See if you have to think about it, it’s too long.” (Folie-lex)
2. Tommy: “Ken what is this?” Ken: “Hillary Clinton at the Benghazi hearings in 2015. Dark jacket, crisp lapels, gold jewellery, her hair is nice and helmet-y…” Tommy: “It’s called a blow-out.” Ken: “Oh.” Tommy: “You are my speech writer; you’re not my stylist.” Ken: “Well they’re kinda one and the same. What you look like affects how people hear you.” Tommy: “Did any of these women win?” Ken: “Hillary Clinton won the popular vote.” Tommy: “Hmm. How did that work out?” (Folie-lex)
1. Lyn: “I’m supposed to be bilingual too, but it’s all lies. I can barely hold a conversation in English. And in Spanish I don’t go past ‘Dora The Explorer’ level.” (Folie-lex)
2. Lyn: “It’s a confusing thing to walk around looking like this, where everyone non-Mexican only sees you as Mexican, but then like the Mexico-Mexicans are like: ‘No...mmm... Not Mexican enough.’ “ (Folie-lex)
1. Nandor: “This is a letter from the leader of an army that we defeated with particular brutality. Tens of thousands were slaughtered. I guess I never had a chance to open it. (reading letter) ‘I resign myself to surrender. I plead for a road to peace.’ Oops.” (Folie-lex)
1. Mary: “So George is mad at me and Sheldon is mad at me and, honestly, I’m mad at me too.” Brenda: “Will you please give yourself a break? All that you do for that family, I am surprised you didn’t crack years ago.” Mary: “How do you handle it all?” Brenda: “I’m sitting in a chicken coop drinking a wine cooler at 11 am. Clearly I don’t.” (Dahne)
2. Sheldon: “Now you don’t want me to go to college either?” George: “Didn’t say that. I’m just saying given how young you are we need to be realistic.” Sheldon: “I’ll have you know I recently took care of my own boo boo.” George: “And as grown up as that makes you sound, I don’t think it’s gonna convince your mother.” (Folie-lex and Dahne HM)
3. Brenda: “You smoke?” Mary: “What? No.” Brenda: “Then your face is on fire.” (Folie-lex)
4. George: “How do we get your mom on board with going where Sturgis teaches?” Sheldon: “Well how did you get her to marry you?” George: “Oh that won’t work. She don’t drink anymore.” (Folie-lex and Dahne HM)
2. George: “Okay, the X is you. College is the goal. What stands between you and the goal line?” Sheldon: “Mom.” George: “Exactly, and she’s a tough opponent so we got to be smart about how to get around her.” Sheldon: “Which won’t be easy because she’s got Jesus on her team.” George: “Boy howdy.” (Dahne)
3. George: “You think you get to make these decisions all by yourself.” Mary: “In this case, yeah.” George: “Well you don’t. He’s not just your son. He’s my son too.” Mary: “He didn’t feel like your son when he had chicken pox or every morning when I have to make his lunch.” George: “He felt like my son when I took him to CalTech, where he clearly impressed a lot of people.” Mary: “So you just want to ship our baby boy off to California to live by himself?” George: “I want to be included in decisions about his future. If that means California, maybe I’ll go with him.” Mary: “He is not going anywhere. You can go as far away as you want.” (Dahne)
1. Joan: “I wanted to tell you about...um, my mom. Um, my mom looked like Audrey Hepburn, but talked like a college football coach. She was very, very tough, a stay at home mom, but...um, I think had it been a different time and not Bismark, North Dakota, she could have ruled the world. And when she got sick, I was working my way up through the ranks at Google, trying as hard as I could to get to the next level and on the night she died….um, I was preparing my presentation for the Google smart pencil. Do you remember that?” Zoey: “Um, barely?” Joan: “Exactly. Work may seem like it’s the most important thing, but you will never get this time back so please stop apologizing.” (Dahne and Folie-lex)
2. Leif: “The only thing that’s weird is that you’re actually an impressive manager...I meant that as a compliment.” Max: “No, I took it as such. That might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” (Folie-lex)
3. Tobin: “I just want to know how Leif’s day is going, what he’s doing, if he’s making any new friends. He isn’t by the way. I’m happy about it.” (Folie-lex)
4. Emily: “Oh, I’m not going in the ground. You know I’m claustrophobic. I’m for sure getting cremated.” David: “Baby, I thought we agreed to be together forever.” Emily: “The contract states, ‘Til death do we part.’ After that, I’m free to do my own thing again.” (Dahne)
5. Mo: “Would you like a straw? Would that help you drink my wine even faster?” Zoey: “I know you’re joking, but that would be great. When was the last time you went funeral shopping?” Mo: “Paper, plastic, or metal? You know what? I’ll get all three.” (Dahne)
