A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the SpoilerTV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
1. Alex: “This drug war has gone on longer than World War I, II, Vietnam, both Iraq and Afghanistan combined. Are there fewer drugs out there, huh? Are there fewer people addicted?” Kai: “You need to calm down.” Alex: “And what about us, huh? What about the guys on the front line? They don’t throw parades for veterans of the drug war, lady. There’s no celebration. We’re just casualties of this war.”
2. Alex: “Jimmy, you gotta learn to reset your default settings from ‘kill everybody immediately’ to ‘take a deep breath.’ Think it through, man. Either I am on your side, in which case I’m the only shot you’ve got of getting out of here, or I am a DEA agent and by shooting me, it destroys any chance you’ve got of cutting a deal with these guys that you know you’re gonna be offered. But either way, get that freaking gun out of my face.”
3. Alex, after refusing to take his heart pills because of side effects: “I know, ticking time bomb.” Doctor: “No, there’s no ticking. Just boom. Heart failure, and trust me, that’s worse than penis failure.”
1. Katie: “Oliver is taller than me. I like to look down at him when I'm yelling. ‘Because I said so!’ doesn't have the same impact when I'm staring up in his nostrils.” (Folie-lex)
2. Oliver: “I've outgrown you woman. Deal with it.” Katie: “Go pick up Luther's poop in the front yard.” Oliver: “Are you punishing me for being taller than you?” Katie: “Yes, I am. And now I'm punishing you for pointing out how ridiculous that is.” (Folie-lex)
3. Taylor: “That is SO unfair.” Katie: “Well you should have thought about that before you let your brother get taller than me.” Taylor: “You're insane!” Katie: “I'm a mother of three! Of course I'm insane!” (Folie-lex)
4. Oliver: “We actually look worse than the house, which I didn't think was possible.” (Folie-lex)
5. Taylor: “Think of something!” Oliver: “YOU think of something...!! Oh wait. I'll think of something.” (Folie-lex)
1. Jackie: “But I mean you grew up here. You know it's not exactly the Four Seasons. If you see something on your pillow it's not a mint. Kill it!” (Folie-lex)
2. Jackie: “You guys are unbelievable!” Javier: “I think you're unbelievable too!” Jackie: “What?!” Javier: “Truly! To hold down two jobs while raising a great kid like Sammy by yourself? Incredible!” Jackie: “Stop being charming when I'm angry!” (Folie-lex)
1. Holt: “Last month they performed Sousa at a fallen officer's funeral, and the people were so appalled, they cried.” Charles: “Or they were crying for the deceased?” Holt: “No, she was very unpopular. The band made them cry.” (Folie-lex)
2. Walter: “Are you still watching those cartoons about the karate lizards?” Jake: “The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I am. There was recently a reboot. They did some interesting things with Splinter and Krang's backstories. Anyways, I'm an adult now. How are you?” (Folie-lex)
3. Roger: “What the hell is my father doing here?” Jake: “You said you wanted to reconcile.” Roger: “I meant after he was dead. I planned on standing over his grave and yelling ‘I forgive you.’ “ (Folie-lex)
4. Terry: “I can handle criticism. My daughters criticise me all the time. They are so mean now.” (Folie-lex)
5. Jake: “All we have to do is clean every inch of this room and then bake a gourmet cake.” Roger: “No one can do all that in two hours.” Jake: “Wrong, Dad. There is one who can.” Charles: “Hello fellas. Let's get to work.” (Folie-lex)
FBI -
1. Jubal: “Young love.” Castille: “More like dumb love.” Hailey: “What’s the difference?”
1. Jess: “There’s nothing more precious than watching your child grow up.”
2. Zhu: “I love him more than anything, but I chose this country for me, for our son. I couldn’t turn my back on it.”
3. Sheryll: “By the way, you never told us what your exit plan was.” Jess: “Yeah, I had a plan once. Then I lost Angelyne. I made a new plan, safe and predictable, and then a drug dealer put a slug in my chest. I don’t know. I don’t know about any plans. Tali made a video about her experience in the detention center. She posted it. Some of the reactions made my hair stand on end. I thought, ‘Take it down. Don’t put yourself out there,’ but I don’t know. Maybe Tali’s right. Maybe it’s about putting yourself out there, you know. Doing the best you can, just taking it one day at a time.”
1. Tammy: “Grace loved you in her own way, but there was nothing more important to her than her career.” Kylie: “So she abandoned me?” Tammy: “She asked me to take you and I did. I adopted you the moment we got home from the hospital, and it was the best decision of my life. And even if you don’t want me as your mother, you will never stop being my daughter. We can work this out.”
2. Kylie: “Look, I know you’re scared of me following in Grace’s footsteps, but I’m not.” Tammy: “How can you be so sure?” Kylie: “Because I don’t take after Grace. I take after my mom.”
3. Miles: “Look. Just because Tammy didn’t give birth to you, doesn’t mean she’s not your mom. She has been there for you every day of your life.” Kylie: “She also lied to me every day of my life. Just because she had a good reason doesn’t make it okay.” Miles: “No, it makes her human.”
1. Danny: “Imma just say this one more time: This is Hawaii. There's beautiful beaches all over the place. Plenty of sand. You can clear your head here, it's a beautiful place. You know what I mean?” Steve: “Who are you man? Ten years ago you came out here, you hated this place.” Danny: “I don't know man. I blame you. I blame you for a lot of things.” (Folie-lex)
2. Steve: “Hey! I love you man.” Danny: “Love you too. Don't make me come looking for ya.” ~~~I'm not caught up with the show, but I watched this scene because reasons and honestly, that's all I needed from their last few moments together. (Folie-lex) ~~~I, too, am not caught up with the show, but this was perfect. It seems odd that in the end it is Danny who stays and Steve who goes. The only thing I would have changed would be to have the rest of the ohana say goodbye first and have Steve and Danny's scene after. (Dahne)
3. Catherine: “Is this seat taken?” Steve: “Catherine.” Catherine: “Hey, sailor.” Steve: “That was you? You cracked the cipher?” Catherine: “Mmm hmm. Lincoln got a hold of me. Said you guys needed some help, so yeah.” Steve: “He’s a good man.” Catherine: “Well, he must be. I mean you gave him the keys to Danno’s car.” Steve: “Well, I mean, we can’t have Danny Williams driving his own car.” Catherine: “Like he ever did.” ~~I literally squealed when Catherine came back on my TV screen. She was my favorite character and I am glad she got a cameo. I love that just like in the beginning, Catherine was there with the info that Steve needed. Whether romantic or not, they were a partnership that stood as equals, both helping however they were needed. I’m glad the show honored that. (Dahne)
4. Danny: “So now what? Are you gonna walk the earth like the dude in Kung Fu, searching for answers? What are you gonna do?” Steve: “Something like that. It’s gonna be okay, man. You know that, right?” Danny: “You know, it doesn’t feel like it’s gonna be okay. It feels like my main dude is leaving me. That’s what’s happening.” Steve: “It’s not goodbye forever.” Danny: “It better not be a forever goodbye. Why would you say that?” Steve: “You got a phone, right?” (Epic, season finale hug!!!) ~~While I liked the “I love you man” part, I liked the build up even more. They always had each others’ backs and this just felt so right. It will never be goodbye. Not for this epic partnership. (Dahne)
5. Grover: “Remember that time you saved my life?” Steve: “Yeah.” Grover: “No, you don’t. You know why? You saved my life when you met me.” ~~~Aww. Just aww. (Dahne)
(Little aside, when I was taking notes for this, I mistakenly wrote: Steve: “Be food.” Tani: “No.” After I face palmed, I cracked up. So much for a sassy, sweet moment, but score points for survival.)
Home Before Dark -
1. “Because crime doesn’t care if it’s third period.” (Alison)
1. Mason, about Gwen’s crazy rantings: “This is the TED talk from hell.”
2. Mac: “No, I don’t believe you. I don’t believe that my mother would want this many people to die.” Gwen: “Nobody wants people to die. I don’t want people to die.” Mac: “Then stop trying to kill them.”
3. Mac: “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about the cancer.” Dad: “I just did.” Mac: “That was the absolute worst timing.” Dad: “Is there a good time for cancer?”
1. Lowell: “Is she okay?” Adam: “Yeah, she's just feeling a little tired and headachy.” Don: “Sounds like she's got a case of the wifes.” (Folie-lex)
2. Andy: “I mean THAT pill lets us have fun without consequences. We can't afford to put another consequence through college!” (Folie-lex)
3. Adam: “But I don't want to schedule it. Being able to do it whenever I want is the whole reason I got married...! Besides all the love... but that got me in the door.” (Folie-lex)
4. Adam: “We don't want to admit the possibility that we could be less of a man. You don't think I'm curious about the mango margarita? It looks delicious, but I will never order one!” Andy: “Whoa... That is some deep, ancient boy stuff.” Adam: “We think things. We don't tell you ALL the things, but we think them.” (Folie-lex)
1. Nell: “I don’t usually drink this early.’ Hetty: “No, neither did I when I first started in this business.”
2. Kensi to Fatima: “So if you ever feel like this job is getting a little rough and you need to talk to someone, just know that I’m here.” Fatima: “Thanks. The same goes for me. Hetty’s Angels got to stick together, right?”
3. Roundtree: “My SAC, she said I was supposed to report to a Henrietta Lange. Does she work with you?” Namazi: “I’d say it’s more like we work for Hetty.” Roundtree: “Hetty?” Namazi: “Imagine Anna Wintour meets Mata Hari with a touch of Yoda and Chuck Norris.”
1. Gregorio: “I’m just saying you get a little enthusiastic when it comes to competition.” Hannah: “Enthusiasm’s good.” Gregorio: “Um uh, did I say enthusiastic? I actually meant frightening.”
2. Ryan: “Divorce papers.” Hannah: “I signed them.” Ryan: “Why now?” Hannah: “Just been stuck. I felt like it was time to do something and take control in my life where I can. Plus Veronica...she’s great and I can see that now.” Ryan: “Yes, we’re very happy.” Hannah: “So is Naomi. I guess I just needed to see that you were gonna be okay.” Ryan: “You’re gonna be okay too. So...uh, so this is it. You know...you know I’ll always love you.” Hannah: “Me too.”
3. Gregorio to the new guy, Carter: “You know, people make really good money dumpster diving, just in case this whole NCIS thing doesn’t work out.”
1. Lydia: “Has [Alex] said he loves you? No?! Aw... he has said it to me.” Penny: “Ok. Elena is gay, Alex is a catch, and you are making everyone uncomfortable!” (Folie-lex)
2. Elena: “I have a few questions about the almond crusted salmon salad. How is the salmon raised?” Penny: “It's raised in price after 6 o'clock!” (Folie-lex)
3. Penny: “Okay you know what? I want to speak to the manager.” Bryce: “I am the manager.” Penny: “Oh really?” Bryce: “Hmmhm.” Penny: “The server is the manager?” Bryce: “Yup.” Penny: “Oh really?! Do you think it's my first time complaining in a restaurant?” Bryce: “I definitely do not.” (Folie-lex)
4. Alex: “I can't believe you embarrassed me in front of Nora like that. For 13 dollars and a brownie that the waiter definitely spit on.” Penny: “So what? You want to impress her by making her think you're some big shot that doesn't care about money.” Alex: “No, I want to impress her by making her think I don't have a crazy mother.” Elena: “Oh. And now you're just not being realistic.” Lydia: “If Nora breaks up with us over this, I will never forgive you!” (Folie-lex)
5. Penny: “Oh, so I should act like you? ‘Hi I'm Schneider. I wipe my butt with a 100 dollar bill.’ “ Schneider: “That is a hurtful rich person stereotype. I have a custom marble bidet!” Penny: “Well can you use it on your mouth 'cause there's a lot of crap coming out of there!” (Folie-lex)
6. Elena: “God, it’s so easy being straight.” (Jamie)
7. Penelope: “It’s only money.” Everyone else in the room: “What?!” Schneider: “Yes! I did this!” (Jamie)
1. Jamie: “There shall come a day when you and I will part again, but it willna be today.” (Naomi)
2. Murtagh: “Dinna be afraid, (speaks a Gaelic name) it doesn't hurt a bit to die.” (Naomi)
1. Edrisa: “Oooh, that sounds like a spy novel.” Malcolm: "Welcome to 2020. Can’t rule anything out.”
2. Gil: “Hey, Fiona. Be good.” Fiona: “It’s hard to be good when you’re so much better than everyone else.”
3. Martin, to Eve: “Well, don’t be shy. I know meeting the parents can be a bit intimidating, but trust me, I’m a pussycat compared to his mother.”
1. Liz: “Hey, uh, forgive my bluntness. Just, you know, considering the circumstances. How are you here?” Cameron: “Oh, you didn’t order a blonde?” (Jamie)
2. Rosa: “I reserve the right to be the mentally ill one in this friendship. It’s kind of my thing.” Maria: “What the hell is going on?” Rosa: “Don’t really know how to lie about that so… Do you believe in aliens?” (Jamie)
3. Isobel: “You know, the irony is, I’m not alone. For the first time, I am just like all the other girls. Did you know that our city council just passed a resolution banning clinics? They call Roswell the last sanctuary city for the unborn. Just the unborn. We don’t have a women’s shelter.” (Jamie)
4. Liz: “I fell for him after I knew the truth. It’s like you said, we’re different kinds of smart. Maybe we’re different kinds of dumb, too.” (Jamie)
1. David: “I don't see any breakfast.” Johnny: “Mimosas. We're celebrating. Ruth sent over a bottle of champagne.” David: “So there's no food then.” (Folie-lex)
2. Twyla: “Alexis, between us: I don't do this job for the money.” Alexis: “Well if you don't do this for money I'm scared to know what you do do for money.” (Folie-lex)
3. Alexis: “But as someone who's had a lot of money, and then not had it and now is like still pretty poor but somewhat okay, every now and again spending like a little bit of money on something really special, it might not buy you happiness, but it can definitely help make you smile.” (Folie-lex)
4. Moira, as the Jazzagals go in for a group hug: “ Oh no! No, lets not turn this into a Hallmark movie of the week. I've done enough of those in my lifetime... Oh, maybe just a quick one!” (Folie-lex)
5. David: “I was just thinking about how Patrick must have driven out here, and knocked on that door and asked those people to call him if they ever planned on selling, just because I said it was nice. Who does that?” Stevie: “Good people. Good people do things like that. Hence the reason why we don't understand it.” (Folie-lex)
1. Mellor: “I’m not kidnapping you. Kidnapping is taking a kid away from a parent. I’m returning a kid to a parent so I’m un-napping you or possibly de-napping you.”
2. Lainey: “She’s not supposed to be their mom, Rick. She’s supposed to be my mom.” Rick: “I understand. Sometimes…” Mom: “Hey, what’s going on?” Lainey: “What’s going on? What's going on is that you’ve been sober for 5 years and didn’t even think to reach out to me. Do you know where I was 5 years ago? I was broke and in Hollywood. I had no clue what to do with my life and I really could have used a mom. Why didn’t you reach out to me after you got clean? I mean...5 years.” Mom: “I came close, so many times. Right before I got my last 5 year chip, which I didn’t get because I fell off again hard. And when I got sober, I didn’t know how long it would last. I still don’t know.” Lainey: “So we’re just not supposed to have a relationship because of something that might happen.” Mom: “I thought if there was any chance that I could hurt you again, I just couldn’t do it.” Lainey: “What if it’s what I want? Don’t I get a say in something like this.”
3. Wilma: “Caroline, just because you’re the smartest kid in the room doesn’t mean you know everything. Life is a group project and you’ll find that other people have good ideas too. That’s a lesson I’m still learning myself.” Caroline: “I hear you.” Wilma: “I missed out on a whole bunch of chips and boat rides.” Caroline: “I get that less.”
1. Dina: “Is there a health inspection or something? Your makeup looks nice.” Amy: “Oh! No... just a lunch.” Dina: “Oh good. Your blouse is decent too and I didn't know what the hell was going on.” Amy: “Well Jonah's parents and brother are in town so we're having lunch with them. Thank you for the almost compliment. My nerves feel soothed.” (Folie-lex)
2. Glenn: “Which brother is Josh again? I can't keep track of them all.” Jonah: “I only have two.” Glenn: “Really? Feels like you grew up talking over a large group.” (Folie-lex)
3. Richard: “We didn't actually get a chance to read it yet. Our printer is out of cartridges.” Jonah: “Ah!” Amy: “But you have a screen?” Jonah: “Nah, it's a whole thing... don't... bother…” (Folie-lex)
4. Dina: “I know romance Glenn, okay? I've seen You've Got Mail... Forty minutes of it, I was getting my tires rotated.” (Folie-lex)
5. Garrett: “Guys! Seriously, no games. Amy's gone, so it's up to us to be responsible employees, I'm kidding. Obviously we're gonna make this a game.” (Folie-lex)
1. Tam: “Sheldon's gonna be late.” Mr.Gibbons: “Well, alright!” Tam: “It's a police ma…” Mr.Gibbons: “Don't care.” (Folie-lex and Dahne)
2. Sheldon: “Georgie, you make as much money as Dad. Why don't you buy it?” George: “He does not make as much money as me.” Georgie: “No. But I don't have to spend mine on stupid stuff like food and kids.” (Folie-lex)
3. Sheldon: “You don't have to worry about your boss. There's a district rule that says that Principal Peterson can not live next door to me.” Missy: “That sounds made up.” Sheldon: “A principal who tells lies... What are we gonna do with this one?” (Folie-lex)
4. Missy, right after Marcus held her hand: “HE HELD MY HAND!” Meemaw: “High five!” Missy: “DON'T TOUCH IT!” (Folie-lex)
5. Mary: “It might be nice. It might be a family with kids your age.” Sheldon: “I already live with a kid my age. Not a fan.” (Dahne)
6. Mary: “Lord, I am trying my best. Please help me with this situation. Amen. (Sees pillow that says, “Love your neighbor.”) I meant fix him, not me.” (Dahne)
1. Zoey: “I feel horrible telling you this but I didn’t want to come here tonight. After the doctor, things just got...real. And I don’t know why, but my instinct was to run away from you. Which I guess makes me the worst daughter in the world because what kind of kid is scared to be with her dying dad?” (Then she starts singing, How Do I Live? By LeAnn Rimes.) ~~This whole scene gut punched me. I can’t imagine having to start saying goodbye to my dad. The emotions were so raw and her heartbroken confession followed by the perfect song for the occasion added to the perfection of the quote. The show has more than surpassed my expectations. (Dahne)
2. Zoey: “Seemed real sketchy. Leif is definitely up to something.” Max: “Are we talking like witchcraft or just shameless career advancement?” Zoey: “Either way, hooking up with Leif is like kissing a Slytherin.” (Dahne)
3. Joan to Zoey: “Can you schedule your nervous breakdown for another day?” (Dahne)
4. Joan: “Why are you smiling, huh? This is not a happy day! This is not a happy day where people smile, like your birthday or your wedding day. Not MY wedding day, but most people’s!” (Folie-lex)
5. Max: “You sang two heart songs today, Zoey. That’s what they’re called, right? And while one song told you that you want Simon to want you, the other one told you that I’m yours. One song is about attraction. The other one is about love. Personally, I would choose love but I guess you’re gonna make up your own mind.” (Folie-lex)
6. Zoey: “Crisis averted.” Tobin: “Yeah, but it was my fault. I was the one who wrote that code, so maybe Leif is right and maybe I’m just a screwup who doesn’t take my job seriously.” Zoey: “Or we all make mistakes and you owned up to yours and spent all day working super hard trying to fix it and that doesn’t sound like a screw-up to me.” Tobin: “Alright, let’s go with your version.” (Folie-lex ~~and Dahne’s HM)
