A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
American Housewife -
1. Cooper: "But this is a cool-kid party, and Franklin’s a stone-cold weirdo." Ana-Kat: "No he’s not. He’s unique. Off-beat. Eccentric." Oliver: "All words parents use when their kid is a weirdo."2. Katie: "Taylor, if you take responsibility for your actions, you are so grounded."
3. Trip: "Awww!" Taylor: "Do you even know what you’re awing about?" Trip: "No. But your dad told a long story and your mom didn’t say anything mean, so..." (Folie-lex)
1. Daniel: “I never thought that a few hours of hanging out was gonna turn into this thing everyone would know about.” Vanessa: “Daniel, she’s Noa Hamilton. You realize…” Daniel: “Exactly. Nobody cares about me.” Vanessa: “I do. I do. So what now? We’re done? After 4 years,it’s just over?” Daniel: “I’m just confused. It’s like in the movies, it makes it so clear but in real life, I…” Vanessa: “That’s because in real life, Daniel, people aren’t perfect. So you choose. You can either accept them for who they are or focus on what they lack.” (Dahne)
Broke -
5. Lizzie: "I thought you liked the sound of the fireplace whistling." Jackie: "I do. But it turns out I hate the sound of you complaining, even more."
6. Painter: "And I send all my money to Columbia for my daughter." Javier: "Bogota!" Painter: "No. Columbia University. She’s a philosophy major, so I’ll be working ‘til the day I die." (Folie-lex)
2. Amy: "You made me a birthing suite?" Scully: "We’ve been napping at work for 20 years. We know how to create a relaxing space in a police station."
3. Terry: "Captain Holt and I did a hip-hop dance routine." Jake: "Oh... I see... You know what? I don’t even care that I missed it, because right now, I am holding my son, and there is nothing more important in the world than that." Rosa: "I have a video if you wanna see it." Jake: "Amy, hold this baby! Rosa give me that phone!" (Folie-lex)
Roswell, New Mexico -
1. Max: “Uh, gracias. Estoy embarazado.” Liz: “Embarazado means you’re pregnant.” Max: “Maybe I am. You’re not my gynecologist.” Liz: “My hands have been inside of your chest cavity, Max. Your gynecologist can suck it.”
2. Liz: “Psychogenic amnesia limits retrieval of stored memories but if we light up your limbic system and gustatory cortex with some familiar signals…” Max: “Your milkshake might bring all my memories to the yard?”
3. Alex: “You want to split up? No, no. This is why I don’t like horror films. The gay guy always dies first. Or second. Okay, that’s fair. That look is fair.” (Jamie Coudeville)
Schooled -
1. Glascott: “Look, all I ask is that we all do our part to save Mother Earth.” Lainey: “I’ve done my part. In high school, I recycled the same essay six times.”
2. Mellor: “Some advice - when you first start dating a woman, maybe hide yourself a bit and don’t overload her with all your eccentricities. It will freak her out.” CB: “Lying about who I am seems wrong.” Mellor: “I’m not asking you to lie, but maybe don’t flaunt it right out of the gate.” CB: “Yeah, because what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working.” Mellor: “No.” CB: “So I could try something like that. What do I talk about?” Mellor: “Whatever she’s into and then go all in on that.” CB: “Oh, I see. But what if she’s into Yoda?” Mellor: “100% she’s not.” CB: “But you’ve never even met her.” Mellor: “100%.”
3. Wilma: “I’m trying to protect a child from the cruel, cruel world of yearbook superlatives.” (Dahne)
Single Parents -
1. Colin, about Will: “He is a very strange man.” Angie: “You keep saying that like I’m arguing with you.” (Dahne and Folie-lex)
1. Marcos: “I send all my money to Columbia for my daughter.” Javier: “Bogota.” Marcos: “No, Columbia University. She’s a philosophy major so I’ll be working until the day I die, but I would do anything for my daughter.” Javier: “That’s how my father was for me.” Gabriel: “I’m sure you appreciated it.” Javier: “Well, maybe not as much as I should have...”
2. Luis: “I don’t remember a time when I didn’t look out for Javier. Ever since we were children, we’ve been close.” Jackie: “What? Were you his little boy butler, helping him with juice boxes?” Luis: “No, I was not his boy butler but I did help him with his juice boxes. Javier and I have different parents but we are brothers, and brothers help one another no matter what.”
3. Jackie: “Lizzie, stop enjoying those. This isn’t 50 Shades of Reseda. What would poor dad think if he read these?” Lizzie: “Poor Dad is a con artist who’s always in and out of prison.” Jackie: “Oh, you don’t have to whisper. Most of these people have been in prison.” Lizzie: “I’m just saying Mom was lonely when dad was away.” Jackie: “So what? You don’t cheat. If you want to cheat, get a divorce.” (Dahne)
4. Javier: "Luis, to the finest art supply store in Beverly Hills! How much money do we have to spend?" [Luis shows him the budget] Javier: "To the cheapest paint shop in Reseda!"2. Luis: “I don’t remember a time when I didn’t look out for Javier. Ever since we were children, we’ve been close.” Jackie: “What? Were you his little boy butler, helping him with juice boxes?” Luis: “No, I was not his boy butler but I did help him with his juice boxes. Javier and I have different parents but we are brothers, and brothers help one another no matter what.”
3. Jackie: “Lizzie, stop enjoying those. This isn’t 50 Shades of Reseda. What would poor dad think if he read these?” Lizzie: “Poor Dad is a con artist who’s always in and out of prison.” Jackie: “Oh, you don’t have to whisper. Most of these people have been in prison.” Lizzie: “I’m just saying Mom was lonely when dad was away.” Jackie: “So what? You don’t cheat. If you want to cheat, get a divorce.” (Dahne)
5. Lizzie: "I thought you liked the sound of the fireplace whistling." Jackie: "I do. But it turns out I hate the sound of you complaining, even more."
6. Painter: "And I send all my money to Columbia for my daughter." Javier: "Bogota!" Painter: "No. Columbia University. She’s a philosophy major, so I’ll be working ‘til the day I die." (Folie-lex)
Brooklyn Nine Nine -
1. Rosa: "I can’t believe you’re making say this, but she thinks she lost her mucus plug yesterday but mistook it for normal discharge." Jake: "How thick was it? Was it clear or milky?" Charles: "Was it bloody? Was it the bloody show?" Rosa: "Jake, I think it’s very cool that you’ve learned this, very progressive. Charles, I think you know you crossed a line."2. Amy: "You made me a birthing suite?" Scully: "We’ve been napping at work for 20 years. We know how to create a relaxing space in a police station."
3. Terry: "Captain Holt and I did a hip-hop dance routine." Jake: "Oh... I see... You know what? I don’t even care that I missed it, because right now, I am holding my son, and there is nothing more important in the world than that." Rosa: "I have a video if you wanna see it." Jake: "Amy, hold this baby! Rosa give me that phone!" (Folie-lex)
God Friended Me -
1. Trevor: “Sorry for...uh, ruining your night, ruining everything.” Rose: “Trevor, you didn’t ruin anything.” Trevor: “Of course I did. I can’t take back what I said.” Rose: “I’m not asking you to. All I’m asking is that we find a way to move forward.” Trevor: “How? You expect me to walk into work Monday morning, face your father, face you, pretend like none of this never happened?” Rose: “So what? That’s your answer? You’re just gonna walk away, never see any of us again?” Trevor: “Yes.” Rose: “Well you don’t get to do that. You don’t get to walk away from the people that love you, and I'm sorry it’s not the kind of love that you want but we need to get past this.” Trevor: “What if we can’t?” Rose: “We have to. I already lost Joseph and I won’t lose you too.”
2. Rakesh: “Who’s Trevor091?” Miles: “Yeah, he’s just some troll that’s been attacking me in the comments.” Rakesh: “Dude, trolls are like the first sign of success so congratulations. You made it.” (Dahne)
2. Magnum: "You think asking for help is some kind of sign of weakness. But it’s not. It’s the complete opposite of that. Look you’ve had my back since before we were even partners. Let me help you."
3. Magnum: "Whatever you say Mrs.Magnum." Higgins: "And don’t call me that. Like, ever ever." (Folie-lex)
2. Andi [imitating Adam’s voice]: “Women have different body parts. You can make your own food.” Marcy: "How dare he!" Andi: "Right?!" Marcy: "...I mean yes it’s true." Andi: 'Yeah, but it’s not very nice to say."
3. Andi [re Teddy]: "This is definitely on you. I mean... he’s thinking with a body part I don’t even have." Adam: "You enjoyed that didn’t ya?" Andi: "I didn’t hate it." (Folie-lex)
One Day at a Time -
1. Penelope: "There are no castanets in hip-hop, Mami!" (KathM)
2. Elena: “Purple is just general gay stuff. General gay stuff is also my ranking in the lesbian army.”3. Alex: “I was just wondering how the planning was coming for my quince.” Penelope: “What the hell are you talking about?” Alex: “Oh, I thought since Elena had a quince, obviously I would also be giving a party to celebrate my coming of age. This being a house of gender equality and all.” Penelope: “What the hell is he talking about?” Alex: “On the other hand, if it’s too much trouble, you can just give me the cash instead.” Penelope: “Oh okay, now I understand. You want money. I thought you were woke, turns out you’re just broke.”
4. Penelope: “It’s okay to be bad at some things. Dare to suck. It’s the first step to getting good.” (Jamie Coudeville)
2. Rakesh: “Who’s Trevor091?” Miles: “Yeah, he’s just some troll that’s been attacking me in the comments.” Rakesh: “Dude, trolls are like the first sign of success so congratulations. You made it.” (Dahne)
Killing Eve -
1. Villanelle: "If I killed everybody who betrayed me, there’d be no one left." (KathM)
1. Villanelle: "If I killed everybody who betrayed me, there’d be no one left." (KathM)
Little Fires Everywhere -
1. Mia: "Sometimes you have to scorch everything to start over." (KathM)
1. Mia: "Sometimes you have to scorch everything to start over." (KathM)
Magnum PI -
1. Magnum: "We’re kinda like a married couple ten years in. We sleep under the same roof. We get on each other’s nerves. We don’t sleep together. That’s kind of some people’s definition of a marriage."2. Magnum: "You think asking for help is some kind of sign of weakness. But it’s not. It’s the complete opposite of that. Look you’ve had my back since before we were even partners. Let me help you."
3. Magnum: "Whatever you say Mrs.Magnum." Higgins: "And don’t call me that. Like, ever ever." (Folie-lex)
Man With a Plan -
1. Adam: "No, no! I was just being nice. Let me say things I don’t mean. That’s how a good marriage works."2. Andi [imitating Adam’s voice]: “Women have different body parts. You can make your own food.” Marcy: "How dare he!" Andi: "Right?!" Marcy: "...I mean yes it’s true." Andi: 'Yeah, but it’s not very nice to say."
3. Andi [re Teddy]: "This is definitely on you. I mean... he’s thinking with a body part I don’t even have." Adam: "You enjoyed that didn’t ya?" Andi: "I didn’t hate it." (Folie-lex)
NCIS: Los Angeles -
1. Deeks: “You must be Moretti.” Moretti: “And you must be late for the Hanson reunion tour so let’s get talking.”
2. Callen: “When LAPD gets here, they’ll take you to the boatshed.” Moretti: “What’s that? Like a Crab Shack? Weird time to eat but okay.”
3. Kensi: “Okay, I’ve got 2 words for you. Kick. Ball.” Fatima: “I’m pretty sure that’s one word.” Kensi: “Yeah, but I had to separate it for emphasis.” (Dahne)
1. Deeks: “You must be Moretti.” Moretti: “And you must be late for the Hanson reunion tour so let’s get talking.”
2. Callen: “When LAPD gets here, they’ll take you to the boatshed.” Moretti: “What’s that? Like a Crab Shack? Weird time to eat but okay.”
3. Kensi: “Okay, I’ve got 2 words for you. Kick. Ball.” Fatima: “I’m pretty sure that’s one word.” Kensi: “Yeah, but I had to separate it for emphasis.” (Dahne)
NCIS: New Orleans -
1. Hannah: “I know you think you’re a very important man and I understand that, but right now, you’re a trespasser on my property and you have two options. You can leave or I will call the cops and have them remove you. Please, choose the second option.”
2. Hannah: “It’s all true and I can prove it.” Van Cleef: “You think you’re gonna come out of this clean? Your record will be scrutinized, picked apart. They’ll crucify you.” Hannah: “Maybe, but maybe I’ll be the one to open the floodgates and they can’t crucify all of us. I’m willing to bet on myself. How about you?”
3. Loretta: “Sometimes when a wound hasn’t properly healed, it doesn’t take much to aggravate the injury.” Pride: “She said I abandoned her for the people I was trying to save on the job. Worst part is...she’s not wrong. That’s me in a nutshell.” Loretta: “It takes a big man to admit something like that.” Pride: “Oh, I didn’t admit it to her. Everything’s that happened in my life goes back to my mother, Red, and Cassius - even the failure of my marriage.” Loretta: “Those are powerful insights.” Pride: “Insights don’t change the past.” (Dahne)
1. Hannah: “I know you think you’re a very important man and I understand that, but right now, you’re a trespasser on my property and you have two options. You can leave or I will call the cops and have them remove you. Please, choose the second option.”
2. Hannah: “It’s all true and I can prove it.” Van Cleef: “You think you’re gonna come out of this clean? Your record will be scrutinized, picked apart. They’ll crucify you.” Hannah: “Maybe, but maybe I’ll be the one to open the floodgates and they can’t crucify all of us. I’m willing to bet on myself. How about you?”
3. Loretta: “Sometimes when a wound hasn’t properly healed, it doesn’t take much to aggravate the injury.” Pride: “She said I abandoned her for the people I was trying to save on the job. Worst part is...she’s not wrong. That’s me in a nutshell.” Loretta: “It takes a big man to admit something like that.” Pride: “Oh, I didn’t admit it to her. Everything’s that happened in my life goes back to my mother, Red, and Cassius - even the failure of my marriage.” Loretta: “Those are powerful insights.” Pride: “Insights don’t change the past.” (Dahne)
1. Penelope: "There are no castanets in hip-hop, Mami!" (KathM)
2. Elena: “Purple is just general gay stuff. General gay stuff is also my ranking in the lesbian army.”3. Alex: “I was just wondering how the planning was coming for my quince.” Penelope: “What the hell are you talking about?” Alex: “Oh, I thought since Elena had a quince, obviously I would also be giving a party to celebrate my coming of age. This being a house of gender equality and all.” Penelope: “What the hell is he talking about?” Alex: “On the other hand, if it’s too much trouble, you can just give me the cash instead.” Penelope: “Oh okay, now I understand. You want money. I thought you were woke, turns out you’re just broke.”
4. Penelope: “It’s okay to be bad at some things. Dare to suck. It’s the first step to getting good.” (Jamie Coudeville)
5. Alex: "Everybody else made a pair of shorts. I spend the whole class trying to thread the stupid sewing machine. I mean, I stabbed my finger with the needle so many times that I needed stitches, but I didn’t know how to do them."
6. Alex: "But you already said I could quit."Penny: "Yeah, that’s when I thought you hated it. But now that I know you love it, I expect you to work until you’re miserable."
7. Avery: "Can you tell whether it’s a boy or a girl?" Dr. B: "Yes of course. I’m a doctor." [he leaves] Schneider: "I sorta did want to know..." (Folie-lex)
6. Alex: "But you already said I could quit."Penny: "Yeah, that’s when I thought you hated it. But now that I know you love it, I expect you to work until you’re miserable."
7. Avery: "Can you tell whether it’s a boy or a girl?" Dr. B: "Yes of course. I’m a doctor." [he leaves] Schneider: "I sorta did want to know..." (Folie-lex)
1. Max: “Uh, gracias. Estoy embarazado.” Liz: “Embarazado means you’re pregnant.” Max: “Maybe I am. You’re not my gynecologist.” Liz: “My hands have been inside of your chest cavity, Max. Your gynecologist can suck it.”
2. Liz: “Psychogenic amnesia limits retrieval of stored memories but if we light up your limbic system and gustatory cortex with some familiar signals…” Max: “Your milkshake might bring all my memories to the yard?”
3. Alex: “You want to split up? No, no. This is why I don’t like horror films. The gay guy always dies first. Or second. Okay, that’s fair. That look is fair.” (Jamie Coudeville)
1. Glascott: “Look, all I ask is that we all do our part to save Mother Earth.” Lainey: “I’ve done my part. In high school, I recycled the same essay six times.”
2. Mellor: “Some advice - when you first start dating a woman, maybe hide yourself a bit and don’t overload her with all your eccentricities. It will freak her out.” CB: “Lying about who I am seems wrong.” Mellor: “I’m not asking you to lie, but maybe don’t flaunt it right out of the gate.” CB: “Yeah, because what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working.” Mellor: “No.” CB: “So I could try something like that. What do I talk about?” Mellor: “Whatever she’s into and then go all in on that.” CB: “Oh, I see. But what if she’s into Yoda?” Mellor: “100% she’s not.” CB: “But you’ve never even met her.” Mellor: “100%.”
3. Wilma: “I’m trying to protect a child from the cruel, cruel world of yearbook superlatives.” (Dahne)
1. Colin, about Will: “He is a very strange man.” Angie: “You keep saying that like I’m arguing with you.” (Dahne and Folie-lex)
2. Graham: "Me? You’re putting me in charge? But I’m a born beta!" Miggy: "No you’re not. Do what I say." Graham: "You got it chief."
3. Douglas: "Besides I don't want to be putting kids through school when I'm 70. Imagine the toll that will take on Tony." (Folie-lex)
3. Douglas: "Besides I don't want to be putting kids through school when I'm 70. Imagine the toll that will take on Tony." (Folie-lex)
1. Amy: "And who wants to go to California anyway? It's just like pretentious Florida."
2. Jonah: "So you're okay with Amy leaving?" Dina: "Me? Oh, no. I hate it. I'm gonna go home and stress eat an entire jar of olives. But this is pretty huge for her."
3. Amy: "What is this? What are you doing?" Jonah: "I'm... I'm getting on board. You've got a great opportunity here and I'm excited for you." Amy: "So you don't think I'm selling out?" Jonah: "I think you're right. You gotta do this." (Folie-lex)
1. Mo: “Shut up and dance, Zoey.” (Which really should have been followed by “Shut Up and Dance” by Walk the Moon, possibly the best feel better dance song in recent years. - Dahne)
2. Zoey: “I’m sorry. I don’t know where it’s coming from, I’m just…” Simon: “Madder than you’ve ever been before and it scares you how right below the surface all this rage is? And you feel like you have no control over any of it.” Zoey: “Yeah.” Simon: “Maybe you’re not the only one that can read people, Zoey, or you’re super angry right now, and it’s one of the textbook stages of grief. You’re furious about what’s going on with your dad and you’re lashing out at whoever’s in striking distance.” Zoey: “I screamed at a poor maitre d and our family’s sweet caregiver.” Simon: “Day after my dad died, I made a Girl Scout cry because she ran out of Samoas.” Zoey: “Oh, that’s bad too.” Simon: “I know. Anyway, the anger will dissipate or you’ll just channel it something else.” Zoey: “Like from your dad to your mom?” Simon: “You’re right. I’m not angry at my mom. I’m jealous of her. She moved past the pain and the grief. She found the joy. I want that, too.”
3. Joan: “No, no, Leif. We agreed this was light and fun.” Leif: “Alright, things change. People change. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a cardigan I wore two years ago.” Joan: “But you kept that one?” (Dahne)
4. Mo [to Zoey, re: Simon]: "It is emotionally exhausting watching you bend over backwards and forwards, again and again, for a manchild who is clearly unavailable for anything."
5. Zoey: "I’m taking the day off to spend some quality time with my family... and to grovel for talking to you the way I did." Howie: "It’s okay. One of the hazards of the job. And at least you were nice enough not to throw anything. I’ll spare showing you the scars." (Folie-lex)
