A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
2. Katie: "She didn't even try climbing up he trellis. She just waltzed right into the front door. What kind of sneaking is that? That reflects so poorly on me as a mother."
3. Katie: "Ana-Kat is a terrible liar. Once again, this reflect poorly on me as a mother."
4. Doris: "I know you said "no kid talk" last night. But, I want to tell you something, and this isn't easy for me to say: Oliver, is really becoming... less hateable."
5. Greg: "The cornerstone of Mill's philosophy is the greatest happiness for the greatest number of people should be the guiding principle of any conduct. With that in mind I give you..." Student: (Professor) Badonkadonk (seeing Greg having to deal with Lonnie all episode and just being fed up with the pranks and the teasing, taking ownership of the nickname in on his terms, because it helped him too was awesome. - Folie-lex)
2. Constance: "It's Pastor Paul. I think I'm gonna call it off. He's so intense." Rudy: "That's something you have in common with the Pastor. You're a hurricane Connie. A tsunami of the senses. Took me some time to get my sea legs. Maybe that's what the Pastor needs. Don't count him out just yet." Constance: "You're a good friend Rudy."
3. Rio: "I think that you do move on from things quickly. And I don't actually think that's necessarily bad. I really believe that... like there's some people who know a lot about one thing. And you know, you know... a little bit about a lot of different things, you know what I'm saying? Which just makes you a renaissance man, frankly. Mike when it matters I know that you won't quit. Because I know you'll never give up on me." (Folie-lex)
2. Jacqueline: “And now you’re just letting her go?” Oliver: “I’m not letting her go, but I can’t stop her.” Jacqueline: “But you’re not giving her the opportunity to choose.” Oliver: “Shit.”
3. Oliver: “It’s cute. Is that a bed?” Jane: “Don’t judge me.”
4. Andrew: “And can I just say you look infinitely better than yesterday? Really, it’s like night and day.” Jane: “Andrew, are you paying me a compliment?” Andrew: “It’s a special day, Jane. Soak it in.”
5. Oliver: “He’s back.” Sutton: “Who’s back?” Oliver: “Beatrice Arthur. Who do you think? Richard.”
6. Sutton: “Nothing is bigger than us. You know that.” (Jamie Coudeville)
2. Vijay: “Okay, now that we’re in, how do we get inside Ben’s apartment?” Carter: “Vijay, you mistake me for a man with a plan. That’s Matt LeBlanc.”
3. Harley: “Nobody parties like a marching band parties.” Sam: “True.”
4. Boyle: “Full disclosure - and this doesn’t leave this room - three years of figure skating. Mom had dreams. So if you need a grown a** black guy to do a triple Lutz, I’m your guy.” Harley: “Chief Yamaguchi.” (Dahne)
2. Sheryll: "Don't know about you, but I can let the n-word roll off. But there's something about 'mud people' that just sticks in my craw." (Folie-lex)
3. Jess: “I’m not worried about me. I’m worried about what they might do to Tali because of what I said.” Castille: “There are 34,000 professionals working in the FBI to keep her and everybody else safe from those cowards. That’s a family you can count on.”
4. Guard: She’s in Dorm C, this way.” Clinton: “Dorms? The last dorm I was in had beds.”
5. OA: “So Tyler likes model trains and Anna liked quilting. That’s what kills me about terrorists. Domestic, Islamic, whatever - all of their hobbies are super boring.” Sheryll: “Well, they get enough thrills from their side job.”
6. Jubal, about the white supremacist terrorist: “We ought to smack her with Woody Guthrie’s guitar.”
7. Hana: “She comes up in the food back newsletter and her friend’s Instagram.” Jess: “I told her to be more careful about what she puts out there.” Hana: “Her bad for being 11 and having friends.” (Dahne)
2. Pig: “You should try kissing her, maybe.” Hope: “I know this is a fairy tale and all, but a non-consensual kiss is never the answer.”
3. Dark!Josie: “You’ve been fooled, Ted.”
4. Kaleb: “She didn’t have to be rude, is really the thing.” Jed: “Right? We’re people too. I mean, I have feelings.” (Jamie Coudeville)
2. Penny: "Did you decide what we're watching for movie night?" Alex: "No. It's like there's nothing good on Netflix anymore." (I love me some meta shade! - Folie-lex)
3. Syd: "My pronouns are 'they' and 'them'." Bryan: "Oh, yes, they taught us this. It's nice to meet... you?" (Folie-lex)
3. Syd: "My pronouns are 'they' and 'them'." Bryan: "Oh, yes, they taught us this. It's nice to meet... you?" (Folie-lex)
4. Brian: “And what is your age?” Lydia: “I am ageless.”
5. Lydia: “What are you watching?” Penelope: “A Lifetime movie. I just love watching rich people in trouble.”6. Penelope: “I don’t need a man. The problem is that I still like men.” Ramona: “We all have flaws.” Penelope: “What I want is to not want a man. Discuss.” Ramona: “Step one: start liking women. Step two: turn to your right.”
7. Penelope: “But it’s okay for me to admit that I can still be a feminist badass and want a boyfriend.” (Jamie Coudeville)
2. Nicole: "You've lied about Leila's birthday for 8 years?" Kay: "No! We lied about it once and no one's questioned it for 8 years."
3. Leila: "Whoa... yesterday I was eight. This morning I turned nine, and now I'm almost ten. Life's a wild ride."
4. Mike: "Why are we throwing another party? She was cool with everything." Kay: "That's the problem. She's so used to not feeling special, she doesn't know she should be mad about this."
5. Mike: "Okay, I guess you guys are old enough to know: Tons of things. We lie to you guys all the time. We say whatever we have to get by. 'Good morning' is a lie."
6. Leila: "I don't know what I like. I could like anything. I even like Brian, and he's a lot." (Folie-lex)
2. Nanny: “I just keep my head down and collect my checks. All these women are crazy, like ‘too crazy for Bravo’, crazy.”
3. Malcolm: “If Sophie’s the girl in the box, I can confirm it.” Eve: “That’s what I’m afraid of. That my worst fear is true and that she’s really gone. That’s why I waited so long to show Jessica.” Malcolm: “Don’t you want the answer?” Eve: “Not if it destroys you. I’ve seen what your repressed memories, what your nightmares can do.” Malcolm: “Eve, we can’t hide from this; we have to face it head on.” Eve: “We can’t. I have real feelings for you Malcolm and no relationship can withstand this...search for the truth. We should just stop looking. It’s the only way for us to move on.” Malcolm: “Life doesn’t work like that. We can’t keep secrets in locked bags or girls in basements and not expect them to come back to haunt us. We’re living proof of that. I need to remember and you deserve the truth. It’s the only way.”
4. Malcolm: “Tally’s pregnant.” JT: “The thing’s the size of a peanut and you’re already profiling it. Don’t tell anybody, okay? It’s early and I don’t want to jinx it.” Malcolm: “I promise. I’m happy for you.” JT: “You don’t do happy and I don’t know the first thing about being a father. What if I screw the kid up? What if it ends up like you?” Malcolm: “First of all, don’t become a serial killer. But most importantly, listen to your own advice. Be honest. That’s always the best way.”
5. JT: “All I’m saying is there are two sides to motherhood. The warm, fuzzy one and the one where you maim your spouse for eating all the pizza rolls.”
6. Jessica, about Ainsley: “Eve, ignore her. My children can be socially bizarre, but it’s best to find it endearing and not deranged.” (Dahne)
2. Liz: “Is that Max’s laptop?” Rosa: “His password was “password”.”
3. Kyle: “Are you complaining about universal healthcare when there’s a person who could die right in front of us at any moment?” Steph: “It’s unrealistic.” Kyle: “I think the mythical, magical land of Canada seems to be doing okay.”
4. Liz: “I never believed you would drive drunk with someone in the car. I knew my sister.” Rosa: “Yeah, but everyone else thought it because I was in the driver’s seat.” Liz: “Because Max put you there, yes.” Rosa: “Yeah, your vanilla, mayonnaise white-bread boyfriend knew that I was high. He knew that I was the only brown girl. People committed hate crimes against our family and he didn’t come clean. That’s the hero that everybody is trying to save?”
5. Max: “I am in so much pain, Rosa.” Rosa: “Oh really? So is everybody, man up.” (Jamie Coudeville)
6. Rosa Ortecho: “Yeah, your vanilla, mayonnaise, white-bread boyfriend knew that I was high. He knew that I was the only brown girl. People committed hate crimes against our family and he didn’t come clean. That’s the hero that everybody is trying to save?” (Alison D)
Schitt's Creek -
1. Moira: “Alexis, neurosis is not becoming in a young woman.” (Katherine Meusey)
Schooled -
1. Glascot: “All this time, I felt I like I owed you for this job, but you know what, Earl? I earned this job.” Wanda: “Bring it, John.” Mellor: “Tell him, John.” Glascott: “And the only people a principal owes anything to are my staff and my students.” Earl: “They tell you that at the conference?” Glascott: “No, Earl. You told me that when you gave me this job.”
2. Greg: “Maybe you could write it for him.” CB: “No, that’s plagiarism. That’s the biggest crime an English teacher could possibly commit. Full disclosure, I took that sentence from my college English professor. Those are not my words.”
3. CB: “Yo, yo, yo. Guess who went to the X-Games last night.” Laney: “I hope it was you. Otherwise your outfit is ridiculous for no reason.”
4. Lainey: “Sometimes in life, you have to take a stand for what you believe in, even if it means standing up to one of your closest friends. ‘Cause even though it can be intimidating, when you persevere, there’s no greater feeling in the world because you know in your heart, it’s the right thing to do. So don’t be scared, because the truth is, new and exciting things will grow out of the situation or maybe even blossom bigger than ever. In the end, you’ll realize that it was all worth it.”
5. CB: “Oh my gosh. You wrote this about me?” Weasel: “What can I say? You’re a huge inspiration to me.” (Dahne)
The Simpsons -
1. Homer: "I can quit whenever I want, I just don't want to!" (Homer perfectly exemplifying our go-to excuse for absolutely every addiction in our lives. - Abir Mohammad)
2. Marge: "You're upsetting the influencers. They're very easily influenced" (We all love a good little dig at our not-so-favorite workers. - Abir Mohammad)
Star Trek: Picard -
1. Picard: “Fear is an incompetent teacher.”
2. Data: “Mortality gives meaning to human life, Captain. Peace, love, friendship: these are precious because we know they cannot endure”. (Katherine Meusey)
Stumptown -
1. Grey: “What do you want, Dex?” Dex: “Justice for Benny.” Grey: “Okay, and what does that look like?” Dex: “I don’t know.” Grey: “And that’s what scares me. Cause if we get pushed, we’re all capable of doing things and Ansel really needs you and I need you and come on. You need us, so if you’re going today, then I’m coming with you. [Dex starts snickering.] What the hell is so funny?” Dex: “Nothing. It was a great dad speech. You did well.”
2. Dex: “I thought I’d feel vindicated or at peace or something. For 12 years, this whole thing defined me and now I don’t know who I am.” SueLynn: “Well, when the hole’s big enough, there’s no filling it. It just becomes a part of you.” Dex: “So what now?” Sue Lynn: “We go on.”
3. Grey: “What? No one’s ever gone to jail for a crime they didn’t commit. I got to do something.” Dad: “But not something that makes you an accessory to a crime. Then she’s looking over her shoulder for the rest of her life and you go back to prison.” Grey: “Yeah but what about..you know, the thing you said about protecting your family.” Dad: “Yeah, and sometimes that means protecting them from themselves.”
4. Miles: “Aren’t violating client privilege by talking to me? You could lose your license.” Dad: “Son, you could lose your badge or worse. You have put me in a position where I’m protecting my client at the expense of my own son. This is for some girl you barely even know...Oh hell, you slept with her.” Miles: “It’s more than that.” Dad: “Funny how you left that out.” Miles: “I knew if I told you, you wouldn’t have taken the case.” Dad: “You’re right because I have a brain that prevents me from doing things that will come back to bite me in my ass.” (Dahne)
Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist -
1. Zoey: “You were so helpful with my dad the other night. It made me realize I need more Max in my life.” Max: “And it reminded me that you need better popcorn, because that skinny stuff tastes like buttered sadness.”
2. Mo: “Don’t blame it on your power. This one’s all on you.” Zoey: “What’s that supposed to mean?” Mo: “Old Zoey steamrolled through life living in a black and white world.” Zoey: “You’re not wrong.” Mo: “But new Zoey has been given a gift to know how people really feel and it’s helped you make connections and have hard conversations. Real friends owe that to each other.”
3. Zoey: “Are you crying?” Max: “What? I’m not allowed to get a little emotional at a superhero movie? Lives were lost, Zoey. Ethical questions were raised.”
4. Zoey: “I am a mutant. I am the X-Men meets The Voice.” (Dahne)
1. Moira: “Alexis, neurosis is not becoming in a young woman.” (Katherine Meusey)
2. Greg: “Maybe you could write it for him.” CB: “No, that’s plagiarism. That’s the biggest crime an English teacher could possibly commit. Full disclosure, I took that sentence from my college English professor. Those are not my words.”
3. CB: “Yo, yo, yo. Guess who went to the X-Games last night.” Laney: “I hope it was you. Otherwise your outfit is ridiculous for no reason.”
4. Lainey: “Sometimes in life, you have to take a stand for what you believe in, even if it means standing up to one of your closest friends. ‘Cause even though it can be intimidating, when you persevere, there’s no greater feeling in the world because you know in your heart, it’s the right thing to do. So don’t be scared, because the truth is, new and exciting things will grow out of the situation or maybe even blossom bigger than ever. In the end, you’ll realize that it was all worth it.”
5. CB: “Oh my gosh. You wrote this about me?” Weasel: “What can I say? You’re a huge inspiration to me.” (Dahne)
1. Homer: "I can quit whenever I want, I just don't want to!" (Homer perfectly exemplifying our go-to excuse for absolutely every addiction in our lives. - Abir Mohammad)
2. Marge: "You're upsetting the influencers. They're very easily influenced" (We all love a good little dig at our not-so-favorite workers. - Abir Mohammad)
1. Picard: “Fear is an incompetent teacher.”
2. Data: “Mortality gives meaning to human life, Captain. Peace, love, friendship: these are precious because we know they cannot endure”. (Katherine Meusey)
3. Picard: “It says a great deal about the mind of Commander Data that, looking at the human race with all its violence and corruption and willful ignorance, he could still see kindness, immense curiosity, and greatness of spirit.” (Alison D)
2. Dex: “I thought I’d feel vindicated or at peace or something. For 12 years, this whole thing defined me and now I don’t know who I am.” SueLynn: “Well, when the hole’s big enough, there’s no filling it. It just becomes a part of you.” Dex: “So what now?” Sue Lynn: “We go on.”
3. Grey: “What? No one’s ever gone to jail for a crime they didn’t commit. I got to do something.” Dad: “But not something that makes you an accessory to a crime. Then she’s looking over her shoulder for the rest of her life and you go back to prison.” Grey: “Yeah but what about..you know, the thing you said about protecting your family.” Dad: “Yeah, and sometimes that means protecting them from themselves.”
4. Miles: “Aren’t violating client privilege by talking to me? You could lose your license.” Dad: “Son, you could lose your badge or worse. You have put me in a position where I’m protecting my client at the expense of my own son. This is for some girl you barely even know...Oh hell, you slept with her.” Miles: “It’s more than that.” Dad: “Funny how you left that out.” Miles: “I knew if I told you, you wouldn’t have taken the case.” Dad: “You’re right because I have a brain that prevents me from doing things that will come back to bite me in my ass.” (Dahne)
2. Mo: “Don’t blame it on your power. This one’s all on you.” Zoey: “What’s that supposed to mean?” Mo: “Old Zoey steamrolled through life living in a black and white world.” Zoey: “You’re not wrong.” Mo: “But new Zoey has been given a gift to know how people really feel and it’s helped you make connections and have hard conversations. Real friends owe that to each other.”
3. Zoey: “Are you crying?” Max: “What? I’m not allowed to get a little emotional at a superhero movie? Lives were lost, Zoey. Ethical questions were raised.”
4. Zoey: “I am a mutant. I am the X-Men meets The Voice.” (Dahne)
