A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
1. Jennifer: "I read somewhere Some people are not loyal to you. They're loyal to their need of you. Once their needs change, so does their loyalty." (Prpleight)
Bob Hearts Abishola -
1. Dottie: “Yeah, you have no idea how lucky you are.” Olu: “Lucky?” Dottie: “Olu, I was married to my husband for 26 years and mad at him for 27.” Olu: “27?” Dottie: “He p** me off when he died, but I’d give anything to yell at that dumb SoB one more time.” Olu: “I don’t understand.” Dottie: “Well, think of it like this. You and Tunde are like cell mates serving a life sentence. Inevitably, there’s gonna be times when you want to stick a shiv in his ribs, but you don’t and that’s love.”2. Bob: “I was just doing what I thought was best for Abishola.” Tunde: “I already told you what was best for her - you!” Bob: “Are we sure about that? I mean come on. I’m a 50-year-old white guy shaped like a Honey Baked ham.” Tunde: “Is that how you sell socks? With the self-pity and the whining?” Bob: “Hey, my socks sell themselves. They’re the best in the world.” Tunde: “You are the best in the world.”
3. Bob: “I’m here because I want to be with you.” Abishola: “Bob, please, you’re embarrassing me.” Chukwuemeka: “Me, too. You should leave.” Bob: “You’re right. I should. Abishola, you’re way out of my league. You’re funny, smart, gorgeous, and you know how to cut through all my BS with just a look. Yeah, like that one. I know you and I don’t make any sense. We’re like ice cream for breakfast. Doesn’t seem like a good idea but if it makes you happy, why not?” Abishola: “Ice cream for breakfast?” Bob: “It’s a metaphor.” Chukwuemeka: “Technically, it’s a simile.” Bob: “Alright. Anyway, that’s my sales pitch. Enjoy your dinner.” (Dahne)
1. Nurse Dennis: "I'm a cat person. I like an animal that bends you to its will." (Prpleight)
Emergence -
1. Ed: “You know, Piper, if I could impart one piece of wisdom to you, it is this: Never buy cheap stuff online.”2. Piper: “He used to not like you.” Benny: “That’s correct,” Piper: “Now he does.” Benny: “Well, he loves you guys very much and I can tell that you love all of them.” Piper: “I think I do, but maybe that’s not real.” Benny: “Yes, it is. It’s as real as anyone else. In that way, you aren’t any different.”
3. Mia: “I can see you all whispering in here. Piper and I talked. Nothing’s different, so you guys have to get your head’s straight, starting now. Got it?” Jo: “Yeah, hon. Got it.”
4. Jo: “You know, for what it’s worth, I don’t believe it either. Everyone tells me that she’s code, that she’s a machine. It’s just not what I see. It’s not what any of us see. So I can’t explain it, but we’re not wrong.”
5. Jo: “Moving forward, no cutting things out of your body, okay, or anyone else’s body. In fact, you know what? How about just a general no-knives policy is what we’re going for?” (Dahne)
The Flash -
1. Iris: "Our love story never ends Barry, not even with Crisis." Barry: "Iris, it's inevitable." Iris: "Maybe, but whether you vanish or worse I am gonna be there with you. I am gonna be right with you to the very end, okay. Because the only thing more inevitable than Crisis is us." (Wow! This let's us know all we need to know about the timeless love of Barry and Iris! - Naomi Anna)2. Lucifer: "You remind me of my brother by the way. Tall, dark, annoyed by me." (Prpleight)
Fresh Off the Boat -
1. Jessica: “Christmas is my holiday. It has to be perfect. Not quickly pushed through, not scaled back. Perfect.” Louis: “Well you know what a perfect Christmas is to me? Spending time with you.”2. Trent: “I’ll be honest, boss. No way this gingerbread house can be built by tomorrow and I say this as a ginger myself - one who eats bread.”
3. Eddie: “How did it go with Operation Stolen Nutcracker Return?” Emery: “Success. I told the vendor I was cleaning it in Santa’s workshop. Everyone trusts a kid wearing bells.”
4. Louis: “Christmas isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being together. We just want to spend it with you…” (Dahne)
Magnum PI -
1. Katsumoto: “Frankly, I don’t give a damn how it plays with the brass.” TC: “You normally do.” Katsumoto: “You’re right but we have a friend who might die if we don’t do something.” Rick: “Friend?” Katsumoto: “Don’t tell him I said that.”2. Higgins: “Well, I suppose we could stand here all evening arguing about whether it’s worth risking our lives our save Magnum. We all know the answer. So, everyone, free to board.”
3. Magnum: “As a service member, you can’t help but feel awed by the USS Arizona Memorial, a symbol of American heroes who’ve paid the ultimate sacrifice in service of their country. Few of us will ever match their legacy. We can only hope you live up to it. So when you’re activated for reserve duty, you are honored for a chance to do that.”
4. Katsumoto: “Yeah, you speak English.” Kid: “Been watching American TV my whole life. Murder, She Wrote. Dukes of Hazzard. ‘You dipstick!’ Love that one.” Katsumoto: “God bless 80’s television, huh?” (Dahne)
Nancy Drew -
1. Carson: “I’ll come with you...or I could call the cops. Add another breaking and entering charge to your docket. Either way, I’m not letting you go in there alone.” Nancy: “I don’t need a bodyguard.” Carson: “How about a father?”2. Carson: “You realize this look says cat burglar.” Nancy: “Do I criticize your weekend sweater vests?” Carson: “Commentary rescinded.”
3. Carson: “Your mom and I tried so many times to get you to talk to us about what happened that night, but you’d always claim that it was no big deal. I get why you put those walls up. It was a survival mechanism, but maybe it’s not serving you anymore.” (Dahne)
NCIS: Los Angeles -
1. Hetty: “How do you instill morality when you’re not even sure if you still have your own? He was right about one thing. I failed him. This was not the life for him. I’m worried that this isn’t the life for you either, or maybe any of us.” Callen: “Sam asked me today why I did this. I didn’t give him an answer. Sometimes when we finish a big case, two or three days later, I go back to where it all happened and I just sit there and I watch. You know it’s a guy walking his dog or a couple holding hands, kids playing around, but I think about all the violence and chaos that was there just a few days before, and now it’s just life and I know that we gave them that life. In that moment, this world seems like it’s worth fighting for and my role in that fight, and all this, it makes sense to me. You have never failed me, Hetty, or anyone on this team, and you never will.” Hetty: “I worry I already have Mr. Callen and we’re just waiting for the pennies to drop.” Callen: “We will cross that bridge, if and when we get there, together as a family.”2. Sam: “Real talk. Can I ask you a question?” Callen: “No.” Sam: “G…” Callen: “Look, every time you start a conversation with ‘real talk,’ I know you want me to have some sort of existential crisis and sometimes I would rather just sit here and not question my life choices.” Sam: “Do you love what we do? Is this what you wanted to do with your life?” Callen: “What? Sit in a cemetery and wait for some psychopaths to murder my co-worker? No.”
3. Akhos: “Then why’d you do it? Why’d you enslave me in this life, huh?” Hetty: “Because this life gives us purpose and ideals to live by, and in return, that’s what we give the world.” Akhos: “Let others sleep peacefully in their beds at night because creatures such as you and I stand ready to commit violence on their behalf. Those are just lies you tell to pacify the demons you’ve created.” Hetty: “If they are, then they’re also the lies I tell myself.”
4. Callen: “Look, Hetty’s never been a 9-to-5 kind of person, okay?” Kensi: “I know, but it does seem to me like she’s slowing down.” Deeks: “Yeah well, NCIS without Hetty Lange is not something I want to think about.” ~~~You and me both, Deeks. Hetty is NCIS:LA to me and without her, I’m not sure I’ll stay with it.
5. Sam: “Look, after Michelle passed, I was in a dark place and I felt like I needed to hold on to that darkness inside of me, to honor her, to respect her. But it didn’t feel right. It’s not what she would want. So I think that time, that darkness, I think I’ve moved past it.” Callen: “That’s good to hear. I didn’t know what to do for you, how to help.” Sam: “You were there. That’s what counts. You were there every day.”
6. Callen: “Hey...uh, are you serious about that job and leaving NCIS?” Sam: “I thought about it. I considered it, but if I really wanted to do it, I would’ve done it by now.” Callen: “Okay, and if you did, are you one of those guys that would just leave in the middle of the night, not say a word?” Sam: “If I was serious about leaving, you’d be the first person I talked to.” Callen: “That’s what I’m talking about.” (Dahne)
Perfect Harmony -
1. Jax: “My parents want to see a concert and you are not going to disappoint them so you will show up and you will like it!!!” Arthur: “Wow, you really went Full Metal Cardigan there, didn’t you?”2. Adams: “This is the internet connection as well as the cable. You’re cutting off our chances to broadcast the concert on YouTube.” Arthur: “Torn between a return to relevance and helping a weirdo in a cardigan, who I didn’t even know four months ago.” Adams: “He looks pretty cute in that cardigan though.” Arthur: “Damn it. He does.”
3. Arthur: “I have worked with bigger choirs, I have worked with better choirs, but I’ve never worked with a choir that has made me so happy, and that is because of one man, our Reverend Jax. Give him a hand. So this year, we’re celebrating Christmas his way.” ~~I love how they gave traditional Christmas songs a Bollywood twist. Even more so, I enjoy how this relationship between a preacher and an atheist has developed. (Dahne)
Prodigal Son -
1. Jessica: “Your father destroyed us, your brother and me. You put him on television and let him talk about it. You have gone and soaked yourself in blood. The press devoured us 20 years ago and now they are at it again.” Ainsley: “You’re playing the victim.” Jessica: “I am not a victim, but there are victims, real ones. How do you think those 23 families feel when they see you on television, and why is the story never about them?”2. Dani: “Hey, you good?” Malcolm: “I screwed things up with the girl I’m seeing. She won’t answer my calls. I think I scared her off.” Dani: “Eve, right? JT told me about her, said she’s great. Whatever the problem is, I’m sure you can fix it.” Malcolm: “The problem is me and I can’t be fixed.” Dani: “I don’t think that’s true.”
3. Jessica: “I thought he loved you. That at least he took care of you and your sister. I’m sorry.” Malcolm: “Thank you, but you don’t have to say that.” Jessica: “I really do.” (Dahne)
Schooled -
1. Lainey: “Teaching has been amazing, but I’m broke.” John: “You can’t compare our job to the rest of the world. You work in a school so if all that stuff really matters, you have to get a part-time job.” Lainey: “Ew, no. I already have a job and it’s super hard and exhausting. I honestly deserve to be paid more.” John: “Correct. You and every other single teacher in America.”2. Lainey: “I got so caught up in comparing my life to others, I forgot what really matters so I understand that you gotta do what you gotta do.” John: “And you know what that is...to tell you all you should be ashamed of yourselves.” Parent: “Excuse me.” John: “Has it occurred to you why one of my best teachers is working at that store anyways? It’s so she can afford to keep on teaching your kids, which she loves, while still making ends meet. Now I’m sure Lainey knows that she was wrong and has to quit that job.” Lainey: “I was already fired.” John: “She was already fired, so instead of getting on her case about a couple of nudie bakery movies, you should be thanking this wonderful teacher for her tireless work and dedication.”
3. Mellor: “Yeah well, the kid’s taking a permanent Poke-break.” CB: “Got a tad carried away, huh?” Mellor: “A tad? You know I swore I’d be different if I ever got the chance to be a dad to someone, but in the end, I became the exact thing I said I’d never be.” CB: “But the difference between you and StepBrad is you’re willing to change. That’s what really matters.”
5. Glascott: “It’s fine. You don’t have to do Kwanzaa for me.” Felicia: “I’m not. Look, I didn’t want to stand out, but if that leads to me losing a part of myself I’m not gonna let that happen.”
6. Wilma: “That’s right, suckers. You’re looking at a first edition, mint condition Patti the Platy. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of to get this Beanie Baby,” CB: “You do know you’re drooling over a bag of beans and you’re also adults.” (From one person who never understood the Beanie Baby craze to another. -Dahne)
Single Parents -
1. Will: “I’m gonna go wash down this petty theft with some hot cocoa. Just because we’re criminals doesn’t mean we can’t be comfortable.”2. Poppy: “Hey, I hope the kids didn’t put you in your head. You know, how and when we choose to define this relationship is completely up to us. We can stay in the bubble…” Douglas: “I love you. I love you, Poppy, and I think the kids are right, because when you feel this way about someone, you want the whole world to be your bubble.” Poppy: “I love you too.” Douglas: “Yeah?” Poppy: “Yeah.”
3. Will: “Hey, nice work. Welcome to the terrifying world of not being the only adult in your child’s life.” (Dahne)
Stumptown -
1. Sue Lynn: “Dex, we got our issues but from an outside perspective, it’s time.” Dex: “It’s time for what?” Sue Lynn: “Clean up. Make you bed.” Dex: “What, like literally?” Sue Lynn: “Literally. Anyone can make their bed. It begins a path to order. Once you’ve got order, you can start to forgive yourself. Besides, stumbling drunk with another man’s girl, it’s not a good look. It’s time.” Dex: “Thanks.”2. Grey: “I mean this is just chaos. Dex, you’re a time bomb. You haven’t processed your past at all - from your parents to Benny to the war - and so you just seek chaos in your life.” Dex: “Yeah, I don’t...I don’t think that’s true.” Grey: “It is true.” Dex: “I have settled down a lot.” Grey: “Right.” Dex: “I even have a moderately successful business so...” Grey: “Which I think we both know you’ll screw up soon enough.” Dex: “Yeah, I think I’ll come back another time.” Grey: “Well, that’s what I’m saying. There is no other time. This is it, Dex. You saw that I was finding happiness and you were finding calm. For someone like you, calm is...it’s the enemy, cause that’s when things get quiet, and, you know, feelings come in. If it’s fear or questions, and so a person like you, who hasn’t processed their past at all, when they hear that quiet coming, they light a really big fire so they don’t have to deal with it.” Dex: “I don’t want chaos.” Grey: “And yet in one move, that you conveniently don’t remember, you destroyed my relationship with Liz and yours with Hoffman. A two-fer, Dex. Bravo. Really nice job on this one. Do me a favor, Dex? Find another bar. I don’t want you around.”
3. Dex: “Can we fast forward a little bit? I just want to see how much more I had to drink.” Sue Lynn: “What’s the point, Dex?” Dex: “I’m just trying to see how I behaved.” Sue Lynn: “Fact that it takes an eye in the sky to determine that is something I consider a problem.” (Dahne)
The Unicorn -
1. Forrest: “When you’re first dating somebody, you have to present the best version of yourself.” Ben: “Bingo! There’s no ‘you’ like early date you.”2. Wade: “So this is really alligator?” Anna: “It is.” Wade: “I don’t know.” Anna: “Oh come on. He’d eat you.”
3. Michelle: “Wade, what’s going on? You have so many kids in your house, I thought we were at my house.” (Dahne)
1. Billy's Mom: "I'm gonna go have a little chat with your mother." Sheldon: "Seems unlikely, my mother is on Vulcan." Billy: "My mom is on valium." (Prpleight and Dahne)
2. Mary about Sheldon’s Mr. Spock costume: “You can’t wear that. No one else is gonna be dressed up.” Sheldon: “That’s fine. I plan on pretending I’m a neutral observer of an alien culture.” Mary: “Or you can go and play with the other kids and wear pants from this planet.”
3. George to Mary: “For a good Christian lady, you sure do lie a lot.”
2. Mary about Sheldon’s Mr. Spock costume: “You can’t wear that. No one else is gonna be dressed up.” Sheldon: “That’s fine. I plan on pretending I’m a neutral observer of an alien culture.” Mary: “Or you can go and play with the other kids and wear pants from this planet.”
3. George to Mary: “For a good Christian lady, you sure do lie a lot.”
4. George, trying to untangle the Christmas lights: “Come on, Jesus. This is for you birthday. Help me out.”
5. Batman: “Young man, yes, you. Pretending to be sick; you should be ashamed of yourself.” Sheldon: “But I was afraid to go in the pool.” Batman: “You are in a pool, a pool of your own deceit. If my mother were alive, I’d never lie to her...and I’d always eat her soup.”6. Mary: “Boy, Sheldon is really worked up about this whole swimming thing.” George: “Don’t you think he should learn for his own safety.” Mary: “You really think he’s ever gonna go near a body of water.” George: “Well, it’s only a matter of time before someone throws him in one.” (Dahne)
