A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
1. Kai: "There's something different about you. Did you get a new haircut or something?" Ally: "After months of you terrorizing me, forcing me to face my phobias, you did the one thing that my wife, your brother, and all the meds in the world couldn't do. You cured me. I'm not afraid of anything anymore."
2. Kai: "As he enters you, I will enter him. That way, I will be the father, but you will remain pure and unsoiled. You cool with that?"
3. Kai's soldier: "You know, your bangability would go way up if you'd just smile." (DarkUFO)
1. Howard: “There’s a time and place for your randy dog stories, and it’s never and nowhere.”
2. Howard: “Based on that ring on your finger, I’d say you’re pretty good at controlling robots.” Amy: “Careful, that’s my fiance you’re talking about and I can program him to hurt you.”
3. Raj: “I know, he’s been at the lab every night this week with his work wife.” Bernadette: “That’s funny. I thought his work wife was standing in my kitchen.” (Dahne)
1. Liz: “We’ve lost so many friends. I don’t know if I can lose anymore without just crawling into a fetal position or becoming a stark raving vigilante.” Tom: “Listen, Reddington’s a vigilante, and I’m pretty sure there’s a one per family rule.”
2. Tom: “It’s not a lie. It’s just delayed honesty.”
3. Hawkins: “You’re not my type, okay? But if you were even remotely in the ballpark, I would have your child.” (Dahne)
1. Dalton: “We’re good but we can’t walk through walls.”
2. Dalton: “Uh, Mr. Ambassador, we got to get going.” Webb: “It’s my wife checking on me. If I don’t answer it, you’re going to have to protect me from her.” (Dahne)
3. Nigerian child: “You’re tough...but you’re a girl.” Jazz: “Maybe I’m tough because I’m a girl.” (Dahne and prpleight)
1. Bull: “Oh, I see. Is it Nostalgia Night at the Last Dive Bar before the Interstate Pub and Grub?”
2. Bull: “God, I’m shallow. You see her, look on her face? You ever seen her so happy? What’s wrong with you, Jason? Get on board here.”
3. Chunk: “Everybody hates him.” Bull: “Well that doesn’t make him guilty of murder.” (Dahne)
1. Derek: “Did you know I prayed that night? Me. First time in a long time. I wanted to take your place. I still wish it was me who took that bullet.” Garcia: “No, no, I’m...I mean yeah it was scary but I’m glad it was me. I know it really weirdly made me stronger.” Derek: “It did.”
2. Derek: “So that’s all it took. Me showing up? No words of wisdom needed?” Garcia: “Uh huh, basking in our connectivity, I feel healed.” Derek: “We always could do that, couldn’t we? No words.” Garcia: “Well yeah, although I do enjoy our...delicious banter. Speaking of which, I know you didn’t come all this way just to look at me.” Derek: “Sure I did.” Garcia: “Good.”
3. Garcia: “I am going to recommit to living life to the fullest, right now. To that end, I’d like to invite everybody over to my house for a celebration of life, liberty, and the pursuit of responsible intoxication. Yes?” (Dahne)
1. Fallon [to Steven]: "I know Dad’s a Cristal addict." (popcultureguy)
1. Deidre: “Why is Brian Boitano stealing our bartender?”
2. Emery: “What is this place?” Jessica: “An old church but before that a strip club. Everything in Orlando used to be a strip club.”
3. Emery: “I have a theory about the weird voice we heard in grandma’s room.” Jessica: “Me too. Your grandma is weird.” (Dahne)
1. Bonnie: “You helped me because of your guilt.” Annalise: “No, Bonnie. I helped you because I saw you, that we were the same.” Bonnie: “We’re not the same. That’s what you’ve never understood. You made me into you or you tried. So you brought home the sad, trashy, abused girl and dressed her up like you. Until you realized that she would never be who you wanted, so you just threw her out into the streets like she was just another intern. Like everything she’d ever done for you meant nothing because she’s nothing.” Annalise: “You don’t need me. You don’t, and maybe you never did. You’re wrong. I never saw you as nothing. You were never trash in my eyes, and now look at what you’ve done. Look at what you’ve done.”
2. Annalise: “Why didn’t you tell anyone about the Councilman’s alleged abuse when it was happening?” Bonnie: “I was only 14.” Annalise: “Old enough to speak your mind.” Bonnie: “Not old enough to stand up to my father, a man who said he would kill me and my sister and get rid our bodies in the furnace of City Hall if I said anything. Would you have told anyone?”
3. Oliver: “Can you give me pointers on how to be a soulless monster who lies to their boyfriend?” Michaela: “It’s for their own protection.” Oliver: “You mean protection from how stupid this idea is?” (Dahne)
1. Kevin: “The thing I learned about home is that it’s not really a place. It’s a feeling and it doesn’t really matter where you are. It’s about who you are and who your friends are...and it’s about food.”
2. Kevin: “Tyler, you’re a nice guy.” Tyler: “Thanks, man.” Kevin: “No, no, no...that is not good. This world is not meant for nice guys. This world eats up nice guys.” Tyler: “I can only be me, Kev.”
3. Kevin: “I...I know I can’t understand what you gave up to come here but maybe you can find things that make you miss it a little less.” Yvette: “You ever see the sky first thing in the morning after a big thunderstorm? That color?” Kevin: “Yeah.” Yvette: “That’s what home is like.” Kevin: “Wow.” Yvette: “And..and you’re right, it’s not the place. It’s the feeling, peace. Boundless, enduring peace. That’s what I miss but this is nice too.” (Dahne)
1. Ambramson: “It just goes to show you. Being a Harvard professor does not make you a human being.”
2. Abramson to journalist: “White is color of truth, Dominic. Try it on some time.”
3. Abramson: “This is more important to me than I ever was to her. If she can’t wait for me...well then, what else is new?” (Dahne)
1. Cloe: "It’s not Maize I’m worried about. It’s Canada."
2. Lucifer: "Is it me or did the most skilled torturer Hell’s ever known just fluff that man’s pillow?" Linda: "It’s not you." Lucifer: "Right. Then it’s true. He broke my Maze." (prpleight)
1. Jack: “Riley, if you don’t believe 70+ years of missing planes, ships, and people as proof enough, you’ve been watching way too much Kardashians and not nearly enough Discovery Channel.”
2. Jack: “This exact same thing happened in The Conjuring. Spoiler Alert - it did not end well.”
3. Jack: “Oh Great and Powerful spirits of the triangle, thank you for protecting me. I don’t know why in your infinite wisdom, you decided I was worthy….” (Dahne)
1. Alex: “You know, my whole life people thought I was weird because I didn’t want to find my dad. Even I thought it was weird sometimes, but the truth is I was never all that curious because ever since I was 14, I had an amazing dad, one who welcomed me into his family with open arms.” (Dahne and prpleight)
2. Alex: “This is not a breakfast with your father. It’s a breakfast of shame.”
3. ALex: “You know if I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s how important family is. If I’m a little rough on the guys you date, it’s only because I think there should be a very high bar set to join ours.” (Dahne)
1. Whiterose: “If you pull the right strings, a puppet will dance any way you desire.” (Justin Valdes)
1. Sam: “It’s like a page out of Hetty’s book.’ Callen: “Not even the same library.”
2. Deeks: “That looks up to code. Just a little duct tape and hope.”
3. Sam: “Hetty’s taken a lot of extended trips in the past. Something about this feels…” Callen: “Enviable. Maybe we’re having a hard time accepting it because we can’t imagine ourselves quitting.” Sam: “Speak for yourself. I already quit once this year.” Callen: “And yet you’re back.” Sam: “Touche.” (Dahne)
1. Sheriff Keller: "With everything that's going on right now, I need to know you're safe. You hear me? You hear me? I know that, uh there are certain things that we don't talk about. Maybe it's time that we start trying. Okay? Okay, son. [Kevin cries] It's okay." (Samantha Benjamin)
1. Cabe: “Sylvester, you did the best you could. You tried to do the impossible for me. No matter what happens with my case, I’m a hell of a lucky guy to have a friend like you. Alright?”
2. Walter: “You’d be moody too if you were just thrown out of a world-class think tank like the Vor Collective.” Paige: “Yep, that mood would be elation.”
3. Examiner: “For what it’s worth, world’s got lots of lawyers. Not many heroes though.” Sly: “Thanks. Problem is, my friend needs a lawyer.” (Dahne)
1. Mareth: “So the Weapons Master is afraid of some stuck-up elves?”
2. Riga: “We don’t need you to save the world. We need you to leave it.”
3. Wil: “She thinks Allanon is her father but she’s got a past she can’t explain, magical abilities she can’t control, and potentially the world’s worst dad. So, I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt.” (Dahne)
1. Maggie: "That little girl, so desperate to win her father's love. You left her on the side of the road. And all these years, I've been that little girl. Yearning for my Papa to come back for me. Praying that one day he would see me and love me for who I am. Thank you for coming to the shower. You gave me an amazing gift. You showed me that I am not that scared, little girl in that picture anymore. I'm an adult woman, and I am happy in my own skin. And I am so fortunate that I am surrounded by people who value and cherish me. I finally understand I don't need you to see me or to get me or to even like me. I don't need anything from you."
2. Kara: "Hi! Hi! I'm, uh I'm sorry to bother you during whatever it is you are doing. But, I think I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and Can any of you give me directions back to Earth? [growling] You know, I thought I took that tunnel but my GPS is all screwed up down here and it keeps trying to get me to make this suicidal left turn. [growling] You might wanna check your rear view." (Samantha Benjamin)
1. Byrd: “Really? A dealer’s as good as a priest to some people.” PJ: “I look like I take confession?”
2. Jane: “Where is she? Where’s Lake?” Sheldon: “Honestly, I wish I knew. Then again, parents like you two, maybe she’s better off.”
3. Bilson: “Oh yeah. You know the law. Then you know that this little stash is intent to sell. Even if you beat the charges, your profs are going to find out.” PJ: “Couple of them might approve. A writer needs life experience.” Bilson: “Sweet. Four years in Folsom, you’ll be the next Hemingway.” (Dahne)
1. Negan: "I hope you got your shittin' pants on. Cause you, are about to shit your pants.
2. Rick: "If we start tomorrow right now, everything we've beaten, everything we've endured, everything we've risen above, everything we've become ...if we start tomorrow right now, no matter what comes next, we've won ...we've already won!"
3. Gregory: "The Hilltop stands with..." Jesus: "The Hilltop stands with Maggie!" (DarkUFO)
1. Beverly Leslie: "Well, well, well. I must have died during surgery, 'cause the devil herself is before me." Karen: "Why, Beverley Leslie. I thought they'd torn down all the corroded old Confederate statues." Beverly Leslie: "You remember my business associate, Benji." Karen: "What happened to the other Benji?" Beverly Leslie: "Ooh, something terrible happened to him. He got old." (Samantha Benjamin)
2. Will: "Will and Grace." Grace: "Uh, it sounds weird. Grace and Will. Now that sounds like a thing."
3. Jack: "Oh, my gosh! That story had conflict. It had drama. It's what Shonda calls 'conflama.'" (Samantha Benjamin)
4. Jack: “You know what hurts more than the money...although make no mistake the money hurt a great deal. I thought you were a good person.” Theodore: “Well that’s entirely on you because I’ve given you absolutely no reason to think well of me.”
5. Grace, when a newspaper slaps her in the face: “I get it universe. I’m garbage.”
6. Will: “Remember what we said about miniskirts after 40?” Grace: “No more knees.” (Dahne)
1. Tariq: “It’s like TMZ but with even less scruples.”
2. Tanner: “You don’t think I’ve wrestled with this. The internet was supposed to bring people together but it also created a platform for them to tear each other apart. The worst part about democracy is that you have to deal with people whose ideas you hate, but it’s better than the alternative. We can’t dictate what people do with what we make but we can steer them in the right direction.”
3. Josh: “I need a shower after reading this stuff.” Tariq: “And a lobotomy to erase it from my mind.” (Dahne)
