A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
1. Audrey: "I'm not American, I'm not used to this carnage." (Marko Pekic)
1. Katie: "There are Raisinets in here. Why put health food in a perfectly good bag of candy?"
2. Doris: "This isn't a pity party! You are Katie "Bada**" Otto! You are strong. You are powerful. You raised three kids with no nannies, no housekeepers. Your whole life is this hideous, depressing obstacle, and yet...you thrive."
3. Katie: "Tonight, in the tradition of pre-race meals, we carbo-load." Anna Kat: "How is this different from our regular Saturday night noodles?" Katie: "We're gonna eat more of it, and no side salad that nobody eats and I throw away feeling like a bad mommy." (Dahne)
1. Stuart: "No, I-I consider you and Sheldon like my family, and I'm not even sure you think of me as a friend. You have any idea how that feels?"
2. Raj about Howard: "I've been babysitting him way longer than you have." Bernadette: "Fine. I'll buy the stupid van."
3. Leonard: "You'll have nerds fawning all over you. If you don't love that, this marriage is in trouble." (Dahne)
1. Marissa: "I'd walk off a bridge for you, Bull." Bull: "Yes. That's because I'd be under it, waiting to catch you." Cable: "And you'd both die from the fall."
2. Bull: "If you just murdered someone, would you go sleep on a park bench?" Marissa: "It's hard to say; I've never murdered anyone…but don't push me." (Dahne)
1. Hookstraten to Seth: "You're way too smart to play dumb, Mr. Press Secretary."
2. Marino: "Don't, sir. Feel guilty? A little part of me does, as well but I also feel honor, respect, because that's what this man deserves. That's how he needs to be remembered. Don't ever question your decision, Mr. President, because none of us ever did, especially Max. I'll leave you to it, sir."
3. Hannah: "Well the man is a hero and a patriot. I would love to see MacLeisch get a medal." Atwood: "Oh yeah, that's exactly why I never gave you an undercover assignment because you are a horrible liar. Horrible." (Dahne)
1. Sherlock: "I think you should propose marriage." Gregson: "Excuse me?" Sherlock: "The sooner you pop the question, the sooner her treatments will be covered by the city's health plan. I think the time might have come for a new Mrs. Gregson." Gregson: "I-I think I just got whiplash. When I split with the last Mrs. Gregson, you told me to consider myself lucky. You compared marriage to…uh, poison, I think it was?"
2. Watson: "Please tell me there is not a body in that bag." Sherlock: "Deduction is your stock and trade, Watson. Have some pride." Watson: "Okay, two bodies?"
3. Sherlock: "Marcus has requested our presence at a clothing optional retreat." Watson: "It's for a case, right?" (Dahne)
1. Taka: "I'm not a patient on your couch." Sabine: "Well you're certainly behaving like one, an emotionally stunted boy who can't stand his own feelings of helplessness because it reminds him of the psychic trauma inflicted on him by his now catatonic mother. Or at least that is what I would write up in my notes."
2. Voiceover: "Why do we create monsters - zombies and vampires and things that go bump in the night? Perhaps because the real monsters are too close, too familiar, too real."
3. Charlotte: "You are not your sister so don't expect her to behave like you would. She's strong, she is healing, and I'm proud of her." (Dahne)
1. Caitlin: "Okay, so you're just sending out an intergalactic IQ test to all of your doppelgangers in the multiverse." Wells: "Not just a test. Think of it as an invitation. Think of it as an elaborate Help Wanted ad." Cisco: "Will the test test their attitudes, too? 'Cause I'm not sure I can stomach another Wells with your bedside manner." Wells: "I care for you too, you jackwagon."
2. Wells: "Pass." Caitlin: "Wait, what? Wait a minute. That guy cracked the code and he wants to do it." Cisco: "And he's nice and he's not evil, and that's a combination of Wells we haven't had thus far." Wells: "All my life, everyone I've ever hired to work for me, I have trusted my gut. My gut tells me that's not the guy. Keep looking."
3. Barry: "I mean, it's gonna take more than speed to take down some of these metas. You've got to think, anticipate. When you enter a new environment, you've got to case every inch of it. You never run in blind. Oh my God, I've become Oliver."
4. Cisco to Harry: "Hey, listen. Don't worry about it, okay? There's only one Harry." (Dahne)
1. Louis: "Where should I put this cobweb?" Jessica: "Back up the fake spider it came from."
2. Louis: "You know I get that you don't care for all the costumes and candy, but how can you not like the scary stuff. You love Stephen King and he's all about horror." Jessica: "Stephen invokes real fear. He unlocks this monster within. This isn't scary. This is amateur hour."
3. Jessica: "Did you get her parents' permission? If not, that's a felony - child abduction." Louis: "Okay Reba, let's go." (Dahne)
1. Clark: "Can you guess the #1 zombie killing tool?" Jack: "Uh…remembering zombie don't exist."
2. Roland: "My boy, you know how much you mean to this magazine." Jack: "This walk is suddenly feeling very Green Mile to me."
3. Jack: "Oh, I'll have what you're having." Roland: "Uh, then you'll be having your 3rd scotch of the morning." (Dahne)
1. Connor: "Are you ready to fail like your Dad's condom?" (Marko Pekic)
2. Asher: "Fine, you're not my woman. You're my family." Michaela: "What?" Asher: "Not in the gross sister way. I lost my family, all of them." Michaela: "I never had a family. It's not that big a deal." Asher: "What does that mean?" Michaela: "I'm not talking about this with you." Asher: "Hey, hey, I want to be there for you, Michaela." Michaela: "No, you want me to be there for you like every other guy who screwed me over." Asher: "I like you so much." Michaela: "Okay." Asher: "Okay, like…you like me too." Michaela: "Whatever." Asher: "No. I want you to say it." Michaela: "I like you too."
3. Annalise: "Quiet. Since when have I not protected you? Even when I hated you."
4. Wes: "I'm so sorry." Annalise: "It's not your fault." Wes: "It is. All this is happening because you keep trying to protect me." Annalise: "It was my choice. I took you off the wait list. I should have left you alone." Wes: "Why didn't you?" Annalise: "I wanted to be a better person." (Dahne)
1. Amaya: "How is it that you people haven't managed to kill yourself?" Mick: "The day is still young." (Marko Pekic, Jennise Hall)
1. Emme: "Daddy, I'm worried about kindergarten." Adam: Oh honey, you should be worried. Kids are mean."
2. Lowell: "Sorry, I'm a little revved up. I just can't believe they're not introducing any foreign language in kindergarten. How can our children compete in a global economy without fluency in a second language?" Adam: "You know this school is free, right?"
3. Adam: "A punch in the nose can be a real problem solver." (Dahne)
1. Evie: "You know what? I'm not sorry to interrupt. I will squawk when I need to squawk! I wrote the quality control manual and today, I am rewriting it! Mikhail, tear down this wall!"
2. Deirdre: "This tactic requires more patience than is currently at my disposal."
3. Evie: "I…I feel like I'm cheating on Xavier." Kareema: "No, no way! He said if you found somebody attractive, you should explore it." Evie: "True." Kareema: "Yeah, so pack your gear, girl. We're going exploring." (Dahne)
1. Amelia: "Just a little tip from a professional. Don't apologize for calling me a groupie by treating me like one." Lawson: "I was making sure that you had something to drive while your car was in the shop." Amelia: "Unlike most of the women that you sleep with, I'm solvent and old enough to rent my own car." Lawson: "You could just say thank you."
2. Lawson: "Night guard, huh? That's a long way to go for an excuse not to stay."
3. Lawson: "You can't trust a guy who bikes to work." (Dahne)
1. Wallace: "You see a lot of billionaire philanthropists, but you never see them follow it up with an eighty hour work week. So if I can even think of uprooting my life to come here, I need to know why you're here, why we're all here. Are we here to save the world, or are we all here to save James bell?" (Luana Arturi)
1. Daniel Holden: "When you are alone with yourself all the time, with no one but yourself. You begin to go deeper and deeper into yourself until you lose yourself. It’s a perverse contradiction. It’s like your ego begins to disintegrate until you have no ego. Not in the sense that you become humble or gain some kind of perspective, but that you literally lose your sense of self. And I’m not sure if anyone unless they have gone through it can truly understand how profound that loss is. It’s like the psychic glue that binds your whole notion of existence is gone and you become unglued. I think therefore I am, I think too much therefore I am not. I am not, therefore, I am nothing, therefore, I am dead and if I am dead then why I am still so goddamn lonely?" (Nirat Anop)
1. Paige: "Take a deep breath, listen. I am raising Ralph alone and there are two of you so that makes it easier right there. Happy has her quirks. So do you. So what? Parents don't have to be perfect. They just have to be there and loving. So, you both gonna love that baby?" Toby: "With all our hearts. I already do." Paige: "So you'll be golden. Okay, buddy?"
2. Walter: "Hey, Toby and Paige will come through. Your baby's gonna be fine. I know Toby believes that I only think about myself, but I will do what is necessary to protect your family even if that means that I have to go back home to Ireland." Happy: "You are home. We're not losing you and we're not breaking up Scorpion. We'll do whatever it takes. You talk nonsense like that again, I'll punch you in the neck." Walter: "Toby's a fortunate guy. You know, I know ours isn't a real marriage but since the day I met you, you've been a faithful friend, you've come through for me when I needed it, you've helped me build Scorpion from nothing. That's loyalty, selflessness, collaboration. If those are the traits that one looks for in a spouse, then you've been a...you've been a great wife. Thank you."
3. Paige: "Well if I can raise a genius child, you can raise a normal. Trust me, raising a genius child isn't easy. I have five of them." (Dahne)
1. Sam: "I mean she's trying to bury herself in hunting to avoid dealing." Dean: "And how do you know that?" Sam: "Years of personal experience."
2. Dean: "All right, so what have you found on Her Majesty's Secret Suckbags?"
3. Dean: "There's a lot of things that have gone to seed since you were here, but the variety in snack food flavors is not one of them." (Dahne)
1. Randall: "Look, we want to make it clear that we're not normally in the habit of leaving the girls overnight." Beth: "Let alone with 2 men who probably haven't been around kids that much." Randall: "One of them's best known for leaving a kid at a fire station." Beth: "Oh God, please take care of my babies." Randall: "And please don't call us."
2. Jack: "If it's between you and having kids, you win. Every time. No question."
3. Kevin: "There's no you or me or them. It's just us." (Dahne)
1. Wyatt: "You want to know how to keep doing this? Find out what you're fighting for and you'll be okay."
2. Rufus: "Dude, James Bond just hit on Lucy." (Dahne)
1. Stefan: "Caroline Elizabeth Forbes, will you do me the honor of wearing this engagement ring as a token of my love..." Caroline: "Too many words. Get to the point!" Stefan: "I want you... to marry me?" (Marko Pekic)
1. Logan: “C’mon. Go black hat with me. C'mon. You got to, you know, save the girl, now give me a little somethin’.” William: “What is your problem? The second you leave the real world you turn into an evil prick.”
2. Man: “Excuse me, sir? I didn't want to intrude, but I just had to say that I am such an admirer of yours. Your foundation literally saved my sister's life.” Man in Black: “One more word and I'll cut your throat, understand? This is my fucking vacation.”
3. Hector: “What does it mean?” Maeve: “That I'm not crazy after all and that none of this matters.” (Nirat Anop)
4. Bernard: “I can make that feeling go away if you like." Dolores: “Why would I want that? The pain, their loss, it’s all I have left of them. You think the grief will make smaller inside, like your heart will collapse in on itself, but it doesn’t. I feel spaces opening up inside like a building with rooms I’ve never explored.” (Jennise Hall)
1. Vernon: "When you think about it, aren't we all special needs? I mean, we all have this set of ways we want to be treated, right? But the question is, is it real or is it just a reaction to life constantly disappointing us? Of course, we blame those who are closest to us for our misery, instead of taking responsibility for being unsatisfiable dick nuggets, we say 'Hey there, person I love, I'm unhappy, so clearly, you're failing me.'"
2. Vernon: "I know I mess around a lot, and I like to have fun, and Becca thinks I'm a baby, but I'm really a good person with a good heart. And I believe there is someone out there who will love me. Hopefully a Mexican with big naturals."
3. Vernon: "Picture it... Casa Vernon y Paul. Just the two of us eating shellfish and drinking Margaritas and Wizards. I could take bullets out of cartel members on the DL. You can be their accountant or whatever. We only get one shot at this life, man. She is killing my spirit. This is our only chance. If we wait it's going to be too late." (Luana Arturi)
About the Author - Lindsey
