A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
1. Sophie [after her water broke]: "Are you seeing this too?" Earl: "I'm never going to forget it." (Marko Pekic)
1. Katie: "My fulltime job is to make sure that 2 of my kids fit in less and one fits in more."
2. Oliver: "Mom, I've thought about it and I refuse to participate in the school food drive on principle." Katie: "And what principle is that?" Oliver: "Westport homeless people have better stuff than we do. Nude Norman rides a bike that's worth more than our car."
3. Katie: "I'm straight up mentally healthy in the germ department."
1. Felicity [as she watches Oliver training his new recruits]: “At least he’s not shooting them.” (Jennise Hall)
1. Ash: “I’m gonna be like a ninja losing his virginity, quick and discreet.”
2. Pablo: “Trust and believe I’ll carve her up like a Halloween Pumpkin if she even looks at me funny." Kelly: “Damn, Pablo. Badass.” Pablo: “Not so much of a vagina now am I?” Kelly: “Well actually, vaginas are powerful and life affirming so technically you’re more of a vagina now than you’ve ever been.” Ash: “She’s right buddy. And I couldn’t be prouder." (Jennise Hall)
1. Sheldon: "I accept this 5-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend." Amy: "Oh, this is so exciting." Sheldon: "Well now, don't be surprised if like Star Trek, it's canceled in three."
2. Sheldon: "Ah then again, what are the odds of someone attacking me?" Amy: "Rising rapidly."
3. Sheldon: "Well, you've lived with your significant other for some time. I would like this experiment to go well. Are there any insights you can share?" Penny: "Mmm, well, the biggie is if she has an insane roommate, kick him out as soon as possible." Sheldon: "You know, Leonard and I were very happy before you came along."
1. Halbeck: "I’ve got a partner in this one. Biggest mistake I ever made." Red: "Sounds like Martin and Lewis." Halbeck: "Who?" Red: "Three Ring Circus, The Stooge, Sailor Beware– Martin and Lewis." Halbeck: "What they hell are you talking about?" Red: "Partnerships. They’re very rough." [Takes a drink] Red: "Mmm. Ah [chuckles] You know BJ Simpson and I started a lawn mowing business in the summer of ’72. Bagging, hedging, the whole ball of wax. One day I’m out rototilling Pat Hunt’s garden, I go in for a bottle of pop – must have been 110 – and there’s BJ in the sunken living room, shoes off, feet up on the couch, eating a fried bologna sandwich, watching Mike Douglas [laughs] Mike Douglas! Can you imagine?! I quit that day." Halbeck: "Who are Martin and Lewis?" Red: "Truth is, I haven’t had a partner since."
2. Red: "Picasso said it took 4 years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child. They live in a delightful space somewhere between dreams and reality. They taste colour, hear shapes, see sound. We should all have such special needs." (Kollin Lore)
1. Reese: "You're right. I couldn't stand Mike, but I was the last person who wanted him dead. I wanted him alive because I wanted him to pay for what he did. I wanted him to go to prison. I wanted him to feel what I felt and I wanted to ask him, "How powerful do you feel now?" And I'll never get that chance. He is the one at peace, not me. Yes, I get these panic attacks because I was raped and bullied, which is exactly how you're making me feel. I couldn't stand up for myself then, but I am stronger now. So, ask your questions, Ms. Prosecutor. I have nowhere else to be. I did not kill Mike Tasker."
2. Benny: "I quit when I realized I worked for a place that cared more about getting convictions than having them."
3. Chunk: "Reese, you're going to appear in front of the jury today. What you wear in court is as important as what you say. You're wearing…I don't know what you're wearing but it's at least 3 sizes too big." Reese: "They're comfortable." Chunk: "That's not comfort, Mama. That's camouflage." (Dahne)
1. Noa: "I got stuck like this once. I was scuba diving in some caves." Barry: "How'd you get out?" Noa: "Just kept kicking toward the light." Barry: "You seriously telling me to go towards the light?" Noa: "I'm telling you to keep kicking."
2. Angus: "Mike was with me when I was in rehab. He was the only person who was there for me during my darkest time. I will not abandon him when he is at his."
3. Ethan [to Campbell]: "Do you want to treat anyone at this hospital?" (Dahne)
1. DA Wallace throws a press conference when he hears Hayes is coming after one of his convictions. Wallace [to Hayes]: "Checkmate."
2. Hayes: "Next time you want to check up on me, find a different spy because I'm never sleeping with someone already in bed with my mother." (Donna Chidley, Dahne)
3. Frankie: "So much for keeping Wallace in the dark." Sam: "We've been pulling files, asking questions. Word gets around." Hayes: "Says the guy who probably helped it get around, but what's done is done. Let's get back to getting these kids off." Sam: "Says the woman who claims to have no agenda but the truth." (Dahne)
1. Barry: "Why have these powers if I can't go back and fix what I broke?" Henry Flash: "We're not gods. We're men, who, for whatever reason, have been given extraordinary abilities. The question you need to ask yourself is, what kind of hero are you gonna be? Are you just gonna take a do-over every time you make a mistake or will you live with them and move forward?"
2. Felicity: "There's a whole new guy at work that you didn't even know about?" Barry: "Yeah, he's worked there for almost a year and he doesn't like me very much apparently." Felicity: "Well, that's impossible. Everybody likes Barry Allen. You're like pudding. Everybody likes pudding." Barry: "Not everyone."
3. Cisco: "Stay away from my friend." (Dahne)
1. Louis: "I'm sorry I couldn't give you a life like the one Gene and Margaret have here." Jessica: "What are you talking about?" Louis: "You've always said how much you miss Taiwan. Maybe we should move back. Things would be easier." Jessica: "No, they wouldn't - it's hot, crowded, there's mosquitoes, a sick obsession with the movie Ghost. Everybody here knows everybody else's business. Even shopping at the Night Market isn't as fun as I remembered." Louis: "You're just upset because of what happened with Eddie's sneakers." Jessica: "No, that's not it. I know I've been saying how different things are here. How they've changed, but it's not true. They're the same. I'm the one who has changed. I'm the one who's changed and I'm homesick for Orlando. You know what I miss, bagels. I want a bagel. I didn't even think I liked bagels but I want a bagel."
2. Evan: "Dad, are we poor?" Louis: "What? No, of course not. American middle class is like Taiwan rich so..." Emory: "I'd rather be Taiwan rich."
3. Louis: "Well, I still think we'd be able to afford a better life in Taiwan." Jessica: "Through shortcuts and connections, yes, but you have worked hard for everything you have. You've earned it. No one's given you anything. We did it, Louis. We moved to America and we made it. We are the success story." Louis: "I guess we are. I mean we did fly Economy Plus." Jessica: "Besides no one loves America more than you. As soon as we move back here, you would miss it over there." Louis: "And as soon as we go back there, you know you're going to miss it over here." Jessica: "Well maybe we won't feel completely at home in either place." (Dahne)
1. Adam: "Um, maybe I could sit with the preppies?" Glascott: "Come on, man. You want to walk around in boat shoes with no socks? You want to invite that kind of fungus in your life?"
2. Adam: "Stop. I know you fixed this for me but wouldn't you say framing a kid kind of crosses every boundary ever?"
3. Pops: "I meant your dad and Pop-Pop might be doing serious damage to their relationship." Erica: "Oh please, they're fine." Murray: "You are a trash heap of a human being and even a worse father." Erica: "He meant that with love and…ah cr**, this went bad fast." (Dahne)
1. Bonnie: "Blame me. None of this is on you." Asher: "No, I don't blame you. I'm proud of you. You made him see the person she really is."
2. Annalise: "You people want a fight, I'll fight." Hargrove: "Listen…" Annalise: "You forget that my ability at kicking a** is precisely why you hired me." Hargrove: "Shut up, Annalise! You come in here, yelling at me, your boss, and you think that's gonna get you what you want. It won't, so let me put this simply for you. There's a saying where I come from. 'Whoever can't hear must feel.' " Annalise: "So do it. Make me feel." Hargrove: "Somebody already did and now you've lost your license to practice. Hurts, doesn't it?" Annalise: "You can't fire me because of this." Hargrove: "Check your contract. Without your license, your tenure gets nullified. Next time you want to meet, make an appointment with my assistant."
3. Eve: "better to just make a statement in private. Promise to go to anger management classes." Annalise: "I'd probably hit people there too. I really need to retire." (Dahne)
1. Ray: "How did you find me?" Mick: "I didn't, pretty did." (Marko Pekic)
1. Timothy: "You sure he dresses like this?" Hank: "He's so fashion forward, it's like he's in the past and in the future at the same time."
2. Evie: "You're risking everything on a hunch!" Xavier: "Well some risks are worth taking, Evie. We all get to decide what's important to us, end of the world or not."
3. Timothy: "Hank says that he's super handsome and dangerous." Evie: "Well you're handsome too." Timothy: "But not dangerous?" Evie: "You always made me feel safe and that was one of my favorite things about you." (Dahne)
1. Happy: “Last time you did this?” Cabe: “Thirty years ago.” Happy: “Wow. I’m not even thirty.” Cabe: “Shut up.” (Jennise Hall)
2. Walter: "Okay, this is where a plan would be useful. Please tell me you have one." Sylvester: "Hold please."
3. Sylvester: "We really shouldn't be listening to this. He doesn't know what he's saying. He's sick." Happy: "What he's saying is making me sick." Cabe: "Making me sick too."
4. Toby: "We covered this in medical school. Falling thousands of feet without a parachute, it's bad for your health." Tim: "I'll catch him." Toby: "Um, I don’t think they make baseball gloves that big." (Dahne)
1. Cat Grant [shouts]: "Miss Tashmacher!"
2. Clark kent [on phone to Perry White]: "I will get that on you desk lickity split.... I realise no one says that anymore but you do say great caesar's ghost which is a bit of a throwback."
3. Lena Luthor [to Clark Kent]: "Some steel under that Kansas wheat." (Donna Chidley)
1. Toby [to Kate, who's nervous about singing at a retirement facility]: "My Aunt Dolly actually lives here. I booked you in their prime slot. 3pm. It's right after Jell-O, but before their nap. Perfect place to break your seal, right? Remember, most of them will probably be asleep. The rest won't remember this tomorrow. And most of them lived through World War II, so no matter how bad you are, they've seen worse." (Kristie Bihn, Dahne)
2. Randall: "Something tells me he might be a little more thorough than the doctor at whatever free homeless clinic you've been going to to get your free medical counsel at. To say nothing of the fact that I had to kiss up to the biggest D-bag at my firm just to get you this appointment. So, yes, William, you are getting in the car right now, and we are going to this doctor's appointment. And then and only then will I give you permission to hobble off like Hobo Joe without saying so much as a good-bye." (Luana Arturi)
3. Rebecca: "If you hurt him…" William" I won't." Rebecca: "Fine then. But know this, my son, who I raised, is gonna put everything he has into trying to save you because that's who he is. It's gonna come in front of his job, in front of his marriage, and in front of his time with his kids so you better damn well be worth that."
4. Randall: "Hey babe, have you seen my keys?" Beth: "I think you left them in the plan you never made." (Dahne)
1. Wyatt: "An actor?" Lucy: "Pretty well-known too, but his brother Edwin was literally the most famous actor in America. John never quite measured up." Rufus: "So, this would be like if Donnie Wahlberg assassinated the president?" [Lucy looks at Wyatt, then at Rufus] Lucy: "Pretty much, actually." (Kollin Lore, Dahne)
2. Wyatt: "Trick-or-treat." Rufus: "Trust me, no one is more aware than I am that I am not a real soldier." Wyatt: "Where did these getups even come from?" Rufus: "A Civil War re-enactors' club." Wyatt: "No wonder they smell like sweat and loneliness."
3. Lucy: "You need a real doctor." Wyatt: "To do what? Leech me?" (Dahne)
1. VA caseworker: "You mean the Independent Nation of California? Is that the army you fought for? The Army of California? How did they pay you? Avocados and screenplays?"
2. Jimmy: "You know, when we had that moment at the pub, I thought to myself, 'After 33 years, I'm finally having a real moment with my father.' I can't believe what fool I was. There wasn't a shred of truth in that moment. You were lying the whole time. You were dying and you didn't say a word." (Luana Arturi)
1. Ford: "What is the point of it? Get a couple of cheap thrills? Some surprises? But it's not enough. It's not about giving the guests what you think they want. No, that's simple. Titillation, horror, elation - they're parlour tricks. The guest don't return for the obvious things we do, the garish things. They come back because of the subtleties, the details. They come back because they discovered something that they imagined no one had ever noticed before. Something they've fallen in love with. They're not looking for a story that tells them who they, they already who they are. They're here because they want a glimpse of who they could be. The only thing your story tells me, Mr. Sizemore, is who you are." (Kollin Lore, Mark Ondo)
2. William: "Are you real?" Angela: "If you can't tell, does it matter?" (Mark Ondo)
1. Kim: "And let's not let ego get in the way. If you need me, you know where to find me." Diana: "Where's that? Narnia?"
2. Max: "Should I get us a drink before we start talking Color Wars?" Lauren: "Yeah, yes. I have a lot to say about that actually. That Blue Team was definitely doping."
3. Charles: "He's giving us a lot of money. I think he just wants to be heard." Diana: "Well I hear him. The question is should I be listening." (Dahne)
About the Author - Lindsey
