Teen Wolf - 5.04 - Condition Terminal - Recap / Review

Previously - Tracy spouted a tail as a kanima, paralyzed everyone, and stabbed Lydia, Kira went full kitsune and cut off her tail (awesome), Malia talked her down, but the steampunk scientists killed Tracy anyway.

For reasons unknown Parrish stares at a deck of cards in a house full of bomb making equipment. It's like the Unabomber's stash meets suburbia. In other words, it's disturbing. Very disturbing. He flashes back to Lydia playing that stupid kid game of seeing how long you can hold your hand over a flame, back when kids actually had easy access to lighters. It was as stupid then as it is here. They banter uncomfortably about magic tricks and by that I mean I'm the one uncomfortable. You can push it aside all you want Teen Wolf, but Lydia is a minor and a high school student. Parrish is in a post-college career. That's beyond squicky! Blech! Lydia explains the plan to an unimpressed Parrish. "This is sounding less like a magic trick and more like assault." An assault on my gag reflex. Lydia brings up Parrish fire walking last season and it's one more reason NOT to be a public servant in Beacon Hills. They made him pay for his burnt uniform. Since being shot in the line of fire is apparently NOT under their health plan, this shouldn't surprise me. Oh Beacon Hills! Lydia burns Parrish's palm and tells him he can last longer if he stares deeply in her eyes, erhm, stops focusing on the flame. He goes glassy-eyed until Lydia idiotically burns herself an idiot, but there's nothing but ash on Parrish's smoking palm because Parrish is….yeah, still no clue since Jeff Davis said he is not a phoenix. Parrish went trance-like because of a dream he's having where he takes dead, burnt bodies to the nematon while on fire and naked. Then he flames the whole place out. Lydia explains the nematon's draw while Parrish lies about the ending to his dream and burns some playing cards in the flashback within the flashback. Huh? I'm confused but it doesn't matter because Psycho gets a prison visit from the steampunk scientists. This is not the breakout anyone should wish for. They kidnap him, strap him down, and start pulling out his teeth in the least sanitary dental procedure ever. Luckily a brand new pair immediately come in, just not human ones. They look like wendigo teeth. Uh oh.

Meanwhile Scott, Stiles, Deaton, Liam, and Theo finally make it to the action…once it's already over. Scott helps Sheriff but Stiles follows the blood streak to Lydia. Kira still holds her gushing wound and I'm still not sure if anyone's called an ambulance. Lack of emergency training will kill everyone in Beacon Hills. While Stiles stares in complete shock, Theo uses his belt as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding. Yep, the one person in Beacon Hills who knows what to do in an emergency just moved back after 8 years. Figures. Someone start a start Red Cross training Kickstarter campaign for these poor people. Deaton, who actually went to medical school, chooses to examine Tracy's severed tail instead of providing emergency services to Lydia and I just throw up my hands. Lydia, you are so screwed. At least her mom makes her priority #1 by panicking so she's as useful as Stiles, who continues to watch slack jawed. By the way, this entire scene is in ever present slow-mo making everything even weirder. I think we're supposed to be experiencing this through Stiles' paralyzing fear but its placement as the third scene is wacky and throws off the pacing already. Luckily Scott snaps Stiles out of it to join him in the basement where Malia is but Stiles is hesitant to leave a friend bleeding out on the floor. Good call. Lydia tells Stiles she's fine and to go find Tracy as a siren wails in the background. I guess someone did call 911. Honestly, they should just have a triage unit set up in the police station at this point. Sheriff gets Stiles moving as they head to the basement together in another huge logic leap. Does anyone remember Stiles is human? Why would his dad want him in the basement where for all he knows a monster is still on the loose and they could find the remnants of Malia's mangled body? They don't know Malia won. It should be Kira heading down with Scott but logic exits stage left early tonight.

Deaton joins them as Malia quickly insists that she did not kill Tracy. She explains the steampunk scientists but nobody else can wrap their head around disappearing guys in costume. Hey, you were talking giant scorpions last episode so this isn't much of a stretch. Stiles soft voices Malia but Deaton is more concerned about getting Tracy's body to the clinic before someone notices her tail, claws, and lizard skin. Sheriff decides this is the last straw and tries to go by the book for the first time since learning of the supernatural. Why start now, buddy? Sheriff: "This is a crime scene. We call the coroner." Deaton: "I think the coroner might be very confused by this girl's severed reptilian tail." Bwaahh! Look at Deaton with the strong sass tonight. Two thumbs up. Sheriff: "I don't care." Deaton: "You should unless you're prepared to hold a press conference announcing the presence of supernatural creatures in Beacon Hills." I say go for it. It might actually save people, but Stiles is pro-Deaton and Scott figures they'll change her back and then call the coroner because there is no such thing as forensics in Beacon Hills. Sheriff: "There is a line that we have to draw." Stiles: "Dad, you've already crossed it more than once." True. Deaton claims he's dealt with this before, which calls into question why he's always so unhelpful then, and Sheriff reluctantly agrees to the plan. Personally I'd get the coroner on board with the crazy and avoid all this nonsense. It's not like it won't happen again. Across town, Lydia prepares for surgery by swearing her mom to secrecy. Zero problem there because her mom's from Sunnydale where everyone rationalizes the supernatural. "All I saw was some lunatic girl trying to kill everyone." Um, okay. Stiff drink for you. Liam joins the party with his hole theory because instead of anger, this season Liam has holes. Scott: "Who was buried in that one?" Liam: "I don't know but I think we're gonna want to find out." Just not today.

Mama McCall interrupts to congratulate Theo on saving Lydia's life to Stiles' chagrin. Perhaps take an emergency preparedness class then, Stiles. Just saying. Mama McCall: "Alright she's about to go into surgery so it's gonna be awhile. Any other supernatural details that I need to know about or do we just stitch her up and hope for the best?" Bwah, Beacon Hills makes cynics out of the best of us. Kira explains Tracy's tail and Mama McCall doesn't even blink. Dude, it's Beacon Hills. Malia brings up the steampunk scientists again while Stiles and Scott ignore her so it might be time for a #TrustMalia hashtag to join the ones for Stiles and Lydia. Mama McCall preps Lydia for surgery because she's the only freaking employee in the hospital. Luckily a standby is going to actually do the surgery before she needs to do that too. As the anesthesia kicks in, Lydia hallucinates the steampunk scientists so another person's in the know. Stiles adds them to his Wall of Weird and Malia, noticing the crazy amount of crazy on the board, takes her mother off and smiles at Stiles. I predict it's too late to put that genie back in the bottle but nice sentiment. At the McCall House, Scott and Kira decide it's a great time to make out because you know, nothing's going on, but Deaton interrupts to tell them all hell's broke loose and he has no answers. Yeah, what's new? "Tracy's claws, the unmistakable claws of a werewolf but a werewolf who also bears the venom and the scales of a kanima." Kira: "What do you even call that?" Deaton: "Personally I call that terrifying." Me too. He spouts about creatures being scientifically created instead of born or bitten. The holes might be part of the process, blah, blah. If this weren't Teen Wolf, I'd call them out for all the assumptions and logic leaps going on here but it is so moving on. Kira: "What are we supposed to do?" Deaton: "The same thing you've always done. Protect your friends. Protect each other." Meanwhile Deaton takes the smart road and gets the hell out of Dodge. He calls it information scouting. I call it self-preservation. Either way he tells us all to be terrified because the ever-shifting rules have changed and leaves. Thanks, Deaton. Big help as usual.

After the quickest surgery known to man, Lydia wakes to find her Parrish stalker watching kungfu movies. He exposits his close quarters combat training and finally Lydia sees the benefit to saving herself because her friends are inept. Lydia: "Can you teach me?" Parrish: "You want to learn jujitsu, hand to hand." Lydia: "I want to learn how to fight." Parrish agrees to teach her and I look forward to the kick butt Lydia of the premiere. Not so much this ever present AP Biology class. I'm starting to miss vocab and history lessons. In the new Beacon Hills High where everyone actually goes to class, today's lesson is chimeras as the new Big Bad while Scott struggling to keep his supernatural and personal lives balanced. He picks up a drop form and the teacher either looks disappointed or suspicious. It's hard to tell. Teachers are dead and/or evil in Teen Wolf so either way she won't stick around long enough to worry about. Speaking of future monster fodder, Deputy Red Shirt shows Sheriff the camera glitch before Psycho escaped. It's her day off but she's too awesome to care. "I stood there listening to that kid threaten your life. I'm not taking time off until he's caught." Awww, I'm sorry you'll die soon. Sheriff surmises Psycho's long gone but Theo begs to differ as he enters the steampunk scientists' lair to taunt Psycho. Can we all just agree now that Theo is evil and working with the bad guys? Please. He babbles about Psycho's multiphasic personality inventory. "Your results were pretty disappointing, Donovan. You scored high on the psychopathic deviance scale and that…that's bad. I'm not even going to get into your anger expression inventory." Yeah, pot meet kettle. I'm not sure a sociopath like Theo should be counseling Psycho, especially since his advice is to harm Stiles. Oh hell no, buddy. Theo: "You see real pain is emotional pain. That is the kind of pain that lasts and if you want to cause Stilinski devastating, soul-crushing emotional pain, you don't go after him. You go after someone he loves." Theo, your name is Dead! So Dead.

Blissfully unaware that Theo sicced Psycho on him, Stiles and Malia join Scott and Kira on the beautiful new library set. No one's seen Lydia because….the plot says so. It's not like they don't wander every inch of the hospital whenever they want, rules or no rules, so I don't buy the "family only" explanation. They did bring the bestiary and Scott explains chimeras again in case you took a potty break. It's all holes and previous seasons' creatures. End result, no one knows anything. We interrupt this very dull exposition to bring you lots of screaming along with Mama McCall and Hot Doc. Nice to have you back, sir. A random kid got bit by something nasty. So let's recap, shall we? Teens scream. Theo is evil. Psycho is now literally a monster. Lydia's been stabbed. Deaton's fled. Masked steampunk scientists are making kids into their own personal bestiary. Why yes, Jeff Davis, I do think this is a perfect time to insert a random rave scene. Why not have the plot come to a screeching halt? Why not spend a quarter of the episode with obnoxiously loud music, shirtless slutty douches, and subplots that mean squat? Obviously Mason desperately needs to get laid RIGHT NOW. Mason: "Can you put your phone away for 5 minutes? Scott can howl if he needs you." Liam: "I just feel like I should be doing something." When did Liam become the voice of truth? I couldn't agree more. Mason demands his hormones be met but Liam Hater is the only high school sophomore bouncer in the country and won't let them in until Mason pays her $50. She also serves drinks in this underage bar. Facepalm-eye roll-sigh-headdesk combo. I could start listing all the Child Labor Laws broken or the fact that the only point of this is to get your voyeur on at hot semi-naked people but the entire thing is pointless so fast forward. The bartender's a complete douche, Mason likes bad (Scorpion) boys, Tall Prep Blond drinks outrageously overpriced drinks even though he can't even get buzzed, and Liam Hater has money woes. Oh sister, you're in the wrong season. This whole scene's in the wrong season.

Stiles sleeps through the whole thing and I envy him. Seriously. Malia however gets inspiration via clicking her pen as an excuse for a Teen Wolf recapitation. The trend is catching. She remembers Tracy getting executed steampunk style and decides it's a great time to leave Stiles alone in the library. Say what? I give her some serious side eye. No one should leave anyone alone in that high school, especially at night. I side eye even more when a random maintenance crew is working there. Nope, that's not shady at all. At the same time Scott and Kira race to the hospital to help Screamer. The kid's heading for a medically induced coma so Scott siphons off so much of his pain that I start to worry about Scott's health. So do Mama McCall and Kira, who literally pry Scott's hands off him. Take it easy, Scott. Nothing gets better if you're dead. Mama shows Scott the bite on Screamer's arm and exposits that it's from a scorpion, a scorpion that should be 10-feet tall to leave that amount of venom in Screamer. Kira and me: "Please tell me that doesn't mean there's a giant scorpion running around Beacon Hills." The property values have already tanked enough. Not one to miss the fun exposition trend, Screamer picks up the talking stick and tells Scott and Kira that yet another random guy named Lucas bit him after going all doppelganger. He's also at the lame club Mason forced us all to go to. Of course he is. Why would we get respite in this episode? Liam's super special spidey senses go off but Tall Prep Blond does feel anything. It must be all that alcohol that doesn't affect werewolves. TPB: "No, I didn't catch anything." Liam: "No one else in here's like us?" Brett: "I don't know, dude. Maybe, it's…it's Beacon Hills. What's the difference?" Ha! So true.

Mason lust eyes Lucas the Scorpion, henceforth Scorpio, as Liam's eyes glow and he klutzily knocks over Liam Hater's overpriced drinks. They banter about his 12 bucks and change while Mason finds a dark, secluded place to banter about bad boys with Scorpio. I check my watch for the 11th time in 5 minutes. Is it over yet? In my best grandpa voice: "Turn down the blasted music!" Since only the privileged get to join this mess, Kira and Scott enter the club minus sophomore girl bouncer and proceed to set off the alarm. Cross cat burglar off the list of career choices. Don't worry though. Kira's got a belt for that. Soon her waist is going to give GPS coordinates in Siri voice and tell you when the movie starts. She throws a ninja star disc and off goes the sound. Off goes Scott's brain too when he randomly tosses out the first "I love you." Then he proceeds to walk off like nothing happened. Please let us end this snoozefest in a random freak out session with Stiles similar to when Scott granny kissed Kira by accident. At least then I'll know Stiles is still alive since he's been missing for 2/3 of this freaking episode. Nope, still no Stiles but finally we get some action as Tall Prep Blonde gets his werewolf on to save Mason while Kira kvetches at Scott for being clueless. No time now, Kira. Go slay something. Preferably the DJ. She mercifully shuts up when they realize an actual fight has broken out and go to join in. TPB and Scorpio jujitsu each other but sadly, TPB gets sliced by Scorpio so it looks like he's graduated to Plot Point. Before TPB can be skewered, Liam jumps in and gets pinned down but sadly doesn't get stabbed to death. In fact he has time to scold Scott for being late to the party. Guess Scott didn't have the $50 bucks to get in.

He does do some nifty wall walking aerobics though before getting knocked down like the true alpha he is. That leaves Kira to jump into the fray. The newly awesome Kira continues her kick butt warrior skills yet it's the super special, Derek-approved snowflake Liam who actually takes Scorpio down. Scorpio's eyes stop going black and he looks more human but Kira channels her inner Japanese-speaking kitsune and goes all warrior ninja on his butt. She also calls herself the Emissary of Death, so that's a little scary. Before she can neatly behead the guy, Scott stops her. Everyone stares in disbelief while Kira shakes her spirit warrior glow off and I shake my head that the action is over already. Really? That's all get for enduring the endless shirtless dancing. Ugh! No need to fret over Scorpio anymore though because the steampunk scientists stop by and decide his condition is also terminal. Scott asks pointless questions of the big scary murderers instead of, I don't know, attacking them for the sole purpose of having them say the episode title out loud. Then they disappear, leaving yet another unexplainable body behind so Scott and crew have to clean up their mess. Guess no one will think Malia's crazy anymore though. Because she's not cool enough (or she's too smart) for the clubbing, Malia sits in Tracey's crime scene bedroom to ponder the mysteries of life and Tracy's abstract pencil artwork. That of course leads her across the room to a book under a wallet because the dramatic music dictates she find THE VERY IMPORTANT CLUE! The book is called The Dread Doctors. Duhn, duhn, duhn. Yes, this season is brought to you by….fan fiction. Apparently someone's been taking their love of cheesy sci-fi a little too far in Beacon Hills. Who knew the nematon was into fandom fantasy? I guess that explains Lydia and Parrish.

Luckily Mama McCall is here to save the episode with her wisdom. As Scott and she stand over Scorpio's corpse in the morgue, she claims, "I'm sure they'll come up with a reasonable explanation for the stingers in his arms. I guess it's better than trying to explain a tail." Say what? Has everyone been sniffing the glue today? Exactly how are subdermal spikes down his arms and back easier to explain than a cut off tail? People at Beacon Hills just don't want to know. Mama McCall: "Maybe this is the best that we can do for now." Scott disagrees and proceeds to blame himself for a bazillion things that are totally not his fault so Mama McCall can tell a lame joke to ease the tension in the room somewhat. Then she goes full on "Be Your Own Anchor" awesome! "I know that I can't be the mom that says, 'I don't want you to do anything about this.' 'Cause you're always gonna be involved. 'Cause not only do you have the power to do something, you care enough to do it so all you really need is to ask yourself, 'What am I gonna do?' " Scott pauses dramatically. "I'm gonna find out who did this and I'm gonna stop them." I can't be the only one cheering here. Mama McCall, you rock my world. Not so much the corpse stealing Parrish. In some kind of zombie fugue state, he lifts out Scorpio's body and takes it to the nematon like in his dream. As he lays the corpse in the center, Parrish's body crackles and burns. Guess that's one way of taking care of the coroner problem. Instant cremation. Sadly, Psycho is on a mission too. Stiles is still at school trying to fix that poor, poor Jeep with more duct tape even though the engine is literally smoking. Oh buddy. Through the haze, Psycho walks up with his nifty new palm of razor teeth and bites Stiles on the shoulder. While Stiles shrieks in pain, the screen goes black and a billion Twitter fans curse the day Jeff Davis was born. I'm one of them.

My Pictoral Review of This Episode:

Parrish and Lydia

Hmmm, okaaayyyy.

The books are exposition.  I am Stiles.

Yep!  Go with that.

Still Stiles

Aaaargh!!!

Wait.  Huh?  Action?  Woo hoo!

Awwwww.

What the heck?

Jeff Davis

Welcome back to season 4 where the entire episode could have been told in 15 minutes without missing anything crucial. The best way to describe this episode is one long exposition broken up bits of endless shirtless fluff to excruciating music and about 30 seconds of action before finally wowing in the last 2.5 minutes. Deaton told us what we already knew. Lydia and Parrish flirt babbled obnoxiously. Sheriff decided to bring up a conversation that should have happened two seasons ago. Way past time for that. Chimeras were explained twice in the same episode. Lydia may have actually superhealed for all that her stabbing did not become a plot point. Nor did anyone seem to care. Theo confirmed what all sane people already knew. He's on the side of evil. (For future reference just because you think he's hot, that does not make him a good guy.) A lot of people stood around while even more random people popped up on my screen to either waste time or join the exposition bandwagon. It is the most fillery of filler episodes since last season made them an art form. Even Stiles slept through this one. At least I had time during the episode to keep working on my theories since nothing of importance, except the steampunk scientist sightings and Parrish's dream, happened in the first 32 minutes. Blah. Worst episode of the season so far.

Grade: C

Episode Awards:

Best Reason to Watch - the last 10 minutes
MVP - Mama McCall
Best Character Interaction - Scott and Mama McCall
Best Plan - Stiles sleeps through most of the episode
Worst Plan - besides clubbing in a crisis, Malia leaving Stiles alone at the library is a pretty sucky choice in Beacon Hills
Biggest Face Palm - Teens in Beacon Hills are being made monsters. People are dying. Lydia's in the hospital. Kira's got her kitsune out of control. Stiles is going insane again. I know. Let's go to a club and watch half naked guys dance. It's not like we have any other priorities. Oh Teen Wolf, why are you bound and determined to make the middle of each episode suck?
Biggest What the Heck? Moment - Exactly how is a sophomore in high school serving drinks at a club. What third world country with no child labor laws is Beacon Hills in? I swear this show does stuff just to see how hard my eye can roll. I'm sending you the bill, Jeff Davis.

Best Return - nematon, Hot Doc, and Kira being kick butt
Worst Return - clubbing, Druid chanting, any mention of the disappointing berserkers, and TPB
Best Vocabulary - look at Scott using incongruous in a sentence like the pre-vet major he wants to be
Most Squicky - Parrish and Lydia flirting
Most Grotesque - Parrish's corpse sculpture on the nematon
The "Finally Someone has Emergency Training in Beacon Hills" Award - and sadly it's Theo. Figures it's the evil kid who moved away in 4th grade.
Biggest Wardrobe Malfunction - Dear new deputy, I think you forgot. You're supposed to be wearing the red shirt.
Biggest Hypocrite - Um Theo, I'm not sure you are the right one to be talking to Psycho about it being bad to be psychotic. I have a feeling you'd fail the test yourself.
Biggest Liar - Deaton says he can help

Biggest Douche - not even Theo and Psycho together outdouched the slutty manmeat bartender in this one
Worst Liar - Parrish, who isn't fooling anyone
Best Argument…In Season 3 - Sheriff worrying about crime scene procedure
The "Die. Die Right Now" Award - Theo, who sends Psycho after Stiles
The "Since When?" Award - Since when does Stiles need an invitation to get anywhere in that hospital? He frequently wanders restricted areas like it's his own house.
Sub-Sub-Plot I Care Least about - Liam Hater's money woes
The "Déjà Vu" Award - Scott tells Kira he loves her on the fly just like their first kiss
The "Nothing Surprises Me Anymore" Award - 10 foot tall scorpions, Kira's nifty sword and now handy throwing star belt, disappearing cosplayers….it's all explained by "Dude, it's Beacon Hills"

Worst Dental plan - Psycho
The "Yeah, I Don't Think So" Award - Nice try, Mama McCall. I don't see how explaining stingers is any less hard than explaining away a severed tail.
The "Please Shut Up" Award - I already have to deal with clubbing in a crisis. I have no desire to listen to your relationship angst, Kira. Everyone stop talking, stop kissing, stop dancing, and kick some monster butt please.


Best Quotes -

1. Mama McCall: "I know that I can't be the mom that says, 'I don't want you to do anything about this.' 'Cause you're always gonna be involved. "Cause not only do you have the power to do something, you care enough to do it so all you really need is to ask yourself, 'What am I gonna do?' " Scott: "I'm gonna find out who did this and I'm gonna stop them."
2. Deaton: "Tracy's claws, the unmistakable claws of a werewolf but a werewolf who also bears the venom and the scales of a kanima." Kira: "What do you even call that?" Deaton: "Personally I call that terrifying."
3. Kira: "Please tell me that doesn't mean there's a giant scorpion running around Beacon Hills."
4. Brett: "No, I didn't catch anything." Liam: "No one else in here's like us?" Brett: "I don't know, dude. Maybe, it's…it's Beacon Hills. What's the difference?"
5. Parrish: This is sounding less like a magic trick and more like assault."
6. Sheriff: "This is a crime scene. We call the coroner." Deaton: "I think the coroner might be very confused by this girl's severed reptilian tail." Sheriff: "I don't care." Deaton: "You should unless you're prepared to hold a press conference announcing the presence of supernatural creatures in Beacon Hills."
7. Kira: "What are we supposed to do?" Deaton: "The same thing you've always done. Protect your friends. Protect each other."
8. Mama McCall: "Alright she's about to go into surgery so it's gonna be awhile. Any other supernatural details that I need to know about or do we just stitch her up and hope for the best?"



Screencaps by Screencapped.net, Flickr, Drunken Thieves, Team TSD, Ficlist, Forever Young Adult, and Make a Meme.

About the Author - Dahne

One part teacher librarian - one part avid TV fan, Dahne is a contributing writer for SpoilerTV, where she recaps, reviews, and/or creates polls for Teen Wolf, The 100, Grimm, How to Get Away with Murder, The Librarians, and others. She also runs the annual Character Cup. She's addicted to Twitter, live tweets a multitude of shows each week, and co-hosts The 100 "Red-Shirted", Sleepy Hollow "Headless" and Teen Wolf "Welcome to Beacon Hills" podcasts for Southgate Media Group. Currently she writes a Last Week in TV column for her blog and SpoilerTV. ~ "I speak TV."

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