A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
1. J.T.: "Hey. What are you doing here, McBeastie? Aren't you supposed to be like playing doctor or something?" (Tonya Papanikolas)
2. Tess: "You're spinning again." J.T.: "But what if I'm right? What if I'm not really supposed to be here? What am I supposed to do?" Tess: "You know what you're supposed to do? You're supposed to get off your damn pity pot and grow a pair. Look, a terrible thing happened to you, alright? You almost died. That sucks. But you didn't - you're alive. It's a blessing. And you just want to waste it by looking over your shoulder for the grim freakin' reaper." (Tonya Papanikolas)
3. Vincent: "When does it end? When do we just get to be normal? 'Cause every time I have to transform back into that thing, I risk crossing the line. I risk losing any inch of humanity I have left. You know this. And you know what? That means we risk losing us. I can't, I can't do it. I won't do it anymore. I can't believe that you would." (Tonya Papanikolas)
4. Tess: "Batman needs a Robin." (Lilith Hellfire)
5. Tess: "I'm not good with neurotic. I don't have the patience." (Lilith Hellfire)
1. Five / Das: "I just carved out their eyes and left them for my step mother to find. Bitch!” (Nirat Anop)
2. Five: “Blood can spray up to 2 metres when the carotid artery is severed. It’s a very efficient kill stroke.” (Nirat Anop)
3. The Android: “Should I continue my attempts of data recovery? Portia?” Two: “Don’t… Don’t call me that. No computer file is going to tell me who I am. Call me Two.” The Android: “Ok, Two.” (Nirat Anop)
1. Davos: “Your grace perhaps Queen Selyse and Princess Shireen could accompany me.” Stannis: “My family stays with me.” Davos: “At least let me take Shireen, the siege is no place for a little girl.” Stannis: “My family stays with me.” (Nirat Anop)
2. Shireen: “But why am I getting a present?” Davos: “Because you deserve it. My son was always on me, trying to teach me to read. Gods, I was stubborn about it. Made it this far without reading, seemed to me I could make it to the grave. Wish I’d listen to him. This is my own poor way of saying thank you for teaching me to be a grown up.” (Nirat Anop)
3. Shireen: “I’m the Princess Shireen of House Baratheon and I’m your daughter.” (Nirat Anop)
4. Elaria: "I know your daughter had no part in the terrible thing that happened to the man I love. Perhaps, even you are innocent of that." (Robert Fruin)
5. Davos: "Your grace, unless there's a fall we can't push forward to Winterfell and we don't have enough food to get us back to Castle Black." Stannis: "We're not returning to Castle Black." Davos: "Forgive me your grace. I never claim to be an expert in military matters, but if we can't march forward and we won't march back..." Stannis: "Have the dead horses butchered for meat." (Robert Fruin)
6. Jamie: “Excellent, last meal before the beheading.” Doran Martell: “Oh I can’t behead you. Many in Dorne want war but I’ve seen war, I’ve seen the bodies pilled on the battlefields, I’ve seen the orphans starving in the cities. I don’t want to lead my people into that hell.” (Nirat Anop and Robert Fruin)
7. Mace: "If a man charges no interest on a loan, then he has nothing to gain and everything to lose, so why chance it? Whereas the promise of reward makes a man willing to gamble." Tycho: "We are not gamblers here at the Iron Bank, Lord Tyrell." Mace: "You are the world's best gamblers. And all those bets you won built this." (Sandi)
8. Stannis: "If you had to choose between Rhaenyra and Aegon who would you have chosen?" Shireen: "I wouldn't have chosen either. It's all the choosing sides that made everything so horrible." (Sandi)
1. Will: "Hannibal's not God. Wouldn't have any fun being God. Defying God, that's his idea of a good time." (Tonya Papanikolas and Darth Locke)
2. Investigator Rinaldo Pazzi: "Is Will Graham here because of the body at the capella, or is the body here because of Will Graham?" (Tonya Papanikolas)
3. Investigator Rinaldo Pazzi: "You and I carry the dead with us, Senor Graham. We both need to unburden." Will: "Why don't you carry your dead back to the jail before you count yourself among them." Pazzi: "You are already dead, aren't you?" (Tonya Papanikolas and Darth Locke)
4. Will Graham: "Hannibal follows several trains of thought at once without distraction from any. One of the trains is always for his own amusement." (Darth Locke)
5. Abigail Hobbs: "If everything that can happen happens, then you can never really do the wrong thing. You're just doing what you're supposed to." (Darth Locke)
6. WILL: "He gave you back to me, then he took you away. It's Lucy and the football — he just keeps pulling you away." (Sharon Seymour)
1. Blaine: "Dude, you are about to go out with one large dose of irony. Seattle's preeminent zombie hunter not realizing the entire time that his own beloved…I mean the hair, the eyes, the complexion. You thought those were what? Just questionable style choices."
2. Major: "When you had a chance to play God and decide whether I died or became this, did you decide based on what you wanted or what you thought I wanted? If it's what you thought I wanted, then you don't know me as well as you think you do."
3. Liv: "Hey Creepy Stares A Lot, I'm not on a sex cam. I can see you."
1. Provenza: "Sykes, Sykes, are you okay?" Sykes: "Yeah, I think so. Have we met?" Provenza: "That's my girl."
2. Cooper: "Look I understand your concern Captain, but my people can't watch him forever." Sharon: "It's not forever Lieutenant. It's just until he's out of danger." Cooper: "And when do mothers decide their children are out of danger? If Rusty finds out what you're doing here, he's not going to be…" Sharon: "I know. I don't feel good about it, lieutenant, but I'd feel even worse attending his funeral."
3. DA: "What can we charge Mr. Norton with so far?" Provenza: "Um, felony floral arrangement."
1. Helena: "Your face is damaged." Donnie: "I was jogging. I bumped into a post. I'm just looking for a band-aid." Helena: "A post made of fists, I think." (Tonya Papanikolas and Sandi)
2. Helena: "This we make in convent - when the nuns beat the demons from us." Donnie: "Oh. Never heard that story before." (Tonya Papanikolas)
3. Drug guy: "What's up with your voice?" Helena: (coughing) "I have a cold." Donnie: "Yeah, yeah. It's one of those really bad ones that messes with your syntax." (Tonya Papanikolas, Sandi, and Kate Sidwell)
4. Donnie: "Helena, what did you do?" Helena: "I got a refund." (Kate Sidwell)
5. Helena: "Alison won't like this." Donnie: "I don't care. It's a dad decision for the family. And you're a part of it now." (Sandi)
6. Luisa: "Don't even think about getting back in the business. We know where you live. We know where Oscar and Gemma go to school." Helena: "Did you threaten babies?" Donnie: "Alison, honey, let's go. Let's just get out of here, ok?" Helena: "You should not threaten babies." (Sandi)
Salem - The Devil: “Before the dawn comes, we shall play cat’s cradle with your entrails.” (Sharon Seymour)
1. Jared: "Oh, come on, I mean, that Schrodinger stuff’s all just theoretical. It doesn’t apply here." Dinesh: "Doesn’t it? I mean, look at Richard. He didn’t know that he had tested on a Hooli computer until Monahan opened that box of emails, right? So Richard was both innocent and guilty, but as soon as Monahan opened that box, it made Richard guilty." Jared: "But, I mean, by that logic anyone who goes to an open-casket funeral is a murderer." Dinesh: "You are one dark motherfucker, Jared." (Kate Sidwell)
2. Hooli Attorney: "How long has it been since you were in a relationship with a woman, Mr. Hendricks? Two years? Three?" Richard: "Uh..yeah that sounds about right I guess." Hooli Attorney: "You’re under oath." Richard: "Uh…longer." Hooli Attorney: "So you’ve definitely had no girlfriend in the past three years?" Judge: "This seems needlessly cruel. We all get it." (Kate Sidwell)
1. Coroner: "I know it sounds like a big deal but it's not." Fisher: "You can't find a body. How's that not a big deal?" Coroner: "This is Los Angeles. We get a lot of bodies in and out of here. It happens. You ever lose your car keys?" Fischer: "You did not just make that comparison, did you?"
2. Kristen: "How am I supposed to be dressed?" Camille: "Not like a real estate agent."
3. Cameron: "Okay but we keep a low profile and by Grabthar's hammer, please try not to p** anyone off - like you usually do."
Strike Back -
1. Stonebridge: "Brilliant. There goes the one link into finding out who's behind all this." Scott: "You know what Mikey? I predict this is gonna end in some big gunfight. You and me stuck in the middle. As always." Stonebridge: "Well, what are we waiting for?" (Jimmy Ryan)
Veep - TOM: "Gary Walsh, you need to understand, is a 12-year-old boy trapped in the body of a 12-year-old girl." (Sharon Seymour)
1. Mrs F: "Those quarters you hold in your hand look very old because they are very old. They are the last known relics of human civilization. A civilization that died out almost 2000 years ago. This is not the year 2014, this is the year 4028.” (Nirat Anop and Kate Sidwell)
2. Mrs F: “Your parents have lived too long in the old world. The truth is too much.” (Nirat Anop)
3. Theresa: “I need you to take this house and I need you to do it with a smile on your face, okay?” (Nirat Anop)
4. Mrs F: “Over 2000 years ago, a great scientist foresaw the coming of the aberrations The perfect equation that held our planet together was unravelling, he knew Mother Nature would do as she always does, she would evolve. She would change the equation. She would change us. This scientist wanted to save a select sample of humans from change to preserve our kind as we once were, so he created an ark. He created Wayward Pines.” (Nirat Anop)
Honorable Mentions:
Beauty and the Beast -
1. Heather: "You can't make this decision on your own, Cat. It's a couples problem. An admittedly unique couples problem, but it's a couples problem. Which means you guys gotta get in sync about it, make sure you're on the same page. And the only way you're ever going to be able to do that is if you talk to each other. So go find Vincent. Finish your fight." (Tonya Papanikolas)
Game of Thrones -
1. Hizdahr : “It’s an unpleasant question but what great thing has ever been accomplished without killing or cruelty." Tyrion: “It’s easy to confuse what is with what ought to be. Especially when what is has worked out in your favor." Hizdahr : “I’m not talking about myself. I’m talking about the necessary conditions for greatness.” Daenerys: “That is greatness.” Hizdahr: “That is a vital part of the great city of Meereen which existed long before you or I and remain standing long after we’ve returned to the dirt.” Tyrion: “My father would have liked you.” (Nirat Anop)
2. Tyrion: “In my experience, eloquent men are right every bit as often as imbeciles.” (Nirat Anop)
Hannibal -
1. Will: "Even in an enlightened world, we come here to feel close to God." Abigail: "Do you feel closer to God?" Will: "God's not who I came here to find." (Tonya Papanikolas)
iZombie -
1. Doctor: "In rare cases users may develop a taste for brains. That strikes me as a sort of side effect that could put a serious dent in sales."
2. Blaine: "Look I don't know if you're hungry but you know what my mom always said?" Major: "Why'd I stop using birth control?"
Major Crimes -
1. Andy: "I want to focus on catching the bad guy, not be worried the cop next to me is about to explode."
2. Buzz: "Hard to pick up rose stems with your hands full of other people's stuff."
The Messengers -
1. Raul: "Since when do we trust the devil?"
2. Nadia: "The next horseman is a farmer?" Peter: "Would you prefer a zombie?"
3. Koa: "I guess the devil really is in the details."
4. Satan: "Let's be clear. We may be allies but we're definitely not friends. I thought losing a couple of messengers might make things easier."
Odd Mom Out -
1. Jill: "Well getting a sitter on 2 hour's notice is like the triple salchow of parenting. It can't be done, but I did it. I made it happen."
2. Vanessa: "Okay, you do realize you're rich too, right?" Jill: "Yeah maybe in the normal universe where normal people live, but between Lexington and 5th, I'm a charity case." Vanessa: "Jill?" Jill: "Seriously. People come to our walkup for play dates and they act like I live in a cardboard box. (sees homeless guy in cardboard box) Oh, sorry."
3. Vanessa: "For Brooke that was really nice." Jill: "A little too nice. Why do I feel like Adriana from The Sopranos right before she got whacked?"
4. Vanessa: "Have not had coffee yet. Sorry in advance."
5. Vanessa: "Honey, it's not a marathon. It's 40 minutes on a hamster wheel." Jill: "You're right. How hard could it be? Plus it's for a bad cause."
Orphan Black -
1. Gracie: "Helena, we don't do things like that anymore, remember?" Alison's daughter: "I don't think I'm allowed." Helena: "No, of course not. I am a mother now. I walk a different path." (Tonya Papanikolas)
Stitchers -
1. Camille: "And all I had to do was just keep track of you and report back if you did anything strange." Kristen: "And did you?" Camille: "I didn't know what to report. Everything you do is strange."
2. Kristen: "So this…this is what sorry looks like?" Camille: "Yeah." (Kristen leaves for her room.) Camille: "Seriously? Okay. And this is what p** off looks like."
Younger -
1. Liza: "You know I always thought of myself as the nicest person but as it turns out, I'm kind of a sociopath."
2. Liza: "Look, I'm not expecting for us to pick up right where we left off. All I'm asking for is a new beginning."
3. Liza: "You're a real friend, Kelsey. The best I've made in a long time." Kelsey: "I feel the same way about you."
4. Josh: "And you, the next time you think about drugging your friends, don't do it. Alright. So not cool."
5. Kelsey: "Look, I know we all want to be the perfect girl in a relationship, so maybe you just need to let Josh see the real you. Not just the good stuff. You know, even the parts of you that you're not so proud of." Liza: "That isn't always that easy for me." Kelsey: "Don't hold back. Get messy. Show him the full Liza. I don't think that it's too late."
