A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
Agents of SHIELD - Coulson: "It's time to call in the Avengers." (Melissa Cavallo)
1. Felicity Smoak: “If you’re going to keep going out into the field, we should really design you some sort of.” John Diggle: “Don’t say costume.” Felicity Smoak: “Okay…identity concealment.” (Sharon Seymour and Daniel van der Veer)
2. Diggle: "There's only one thing left of him now." Laurel: "And what's that?" Diggle: "Us." Thea: "Gone, but not forgotten." (Daniel van der Veer)
3. Felicity: "We thought that Oliver was just giving up his life to Ra's, but he gave up his soul." (Daniel van der Veer)
1. Niedermayer: "That's certainly intimidating." Almond: "Am I going to get cancer here?" Niedermayer: "Uh, if you don't drink the water, touch the soil, or breathe the air you should be fine."
2. Deb: "It is my official recommendation to the Chief of Police that you be relieved of active duty due to your imminent and inevitable oath." Backstrom: "And what are you planning to do with that?" Deb: "Because the Hippocratic Oath prevents me from shoving it up your a** I intend to deliver it to Chief Cervantes today."
3. Valentine: "Little man in big boot making everyone do what he wants. Big man in a little pond. Your son Everett Backstrom is twice the cop you are and you should be proud of him." Blue: "Who do you think you are?" Valentine: "Well, I'm Louise Finster's son." Backstrom: "Valentine." Valentine: "And I'm your son. So what you have here is two sons telling their old man to go to hell."
1. Norma: "You're gonna kill me, Norman." (Romain Ossust and Darth Locke)
2. Romero: "So what's up with the big pit?" Norma: "Bob Paris is building a pool just like he said he would. You were there." (Darth Locke)
3. Norman: "Where have all the workers gone?" Norma: "I don't know. You're the manager, just go get some fencing. And for the love of God, just don't fall in." (Darth Locke)
1. Mary: "When your mom gets back, I'm gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her." Penny: "Well come on now. She did kind of start it." Mary: "It doesn't matter. A good Christian would have turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would have shot her so I kind of split the difference."
2. Leonard: "Even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You're like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from 2 mothers." Sheldon: "Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning?" Leonard: "Yes, you're a super weaner." Sheldon: "Well now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when 2 mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup so I believe the term you're looking for is a double mother suckler." Leonard: "Yeah, you're right. That is the term I'm looking for. You are a dirty, double mother suckler." Sheldon: "Okay well now that we have the terminology straightened out, how dare you!"
3. Leonard: "As soon as she flies into California air space, I'll feel a disturbance in the Force."
The Blacklist - Red to Dembe - "You should've let me die, Dembe. No one told me about this aimless walking." (Geo N)
1. Amy: "Dinner party at your house? Ooh, Mama!" (Mark Ondo)
2. Boyle: "I was out getting him some healing broth. I was torn between chicken or beef, but then it hit me: Goat!" (Mark Ondo)
3. Captain Holt: "Ohh... ooh... oh, no." (Mark Ondo)
1. Wells: "I'm always one step ahead." (Ben L. and Melissa Cavallo)
2. Joe: "Hold on. Isn't that in your dream when everything went all…" Cisco: "All Kali Ma, Temple of Doom? Yeah, that definitely happened." (Dahne)
3. Barry: "He thinks of Cisco as a son." Joe: "Well then we need to do a better job protecting him than I did protecting you." Barry: "I'm not sure what that means." Joe: "Barry, this is all because of me." Barry: "No." Joe: "I never should have let Wells take you from that hospital. None of this would have ever happened." Barry: "If you hadn't, let him take me I would be dead for sure." Joe: "But even then I knew something wasn't right. Everything in my gut was telling me not to trust him but I did because I was so desperate to see you okay." Barry: "Joe, this isn't your fault. It's not your fault. Look, every bad thing that has happened to us, all of it, it was him and now he's gonna pay for it." (Dahne)
The Following - Joe Carroll: “Quoth the raven…nevermore.” (Sharon Seymour and Jimmy Ryan)
1. Coach: "I'm not just your wrestling coach, Goldberg. I'm your life coach. Now drop and give me feelings." (Dahne)
2. Erica: "I can't go on TV looking like this. I can't even go out in the world like this." Barry: "Trust me, you can." Erica: "How would you know?" Barry: "Honestly, this is what I feel like every day. When I saw you freaking out in the cafeteria, I saw me and I realized I never want to see you feel that way again." Erica: "Why are you being so nice to me?" Erica: "Because no matter how scary you look, you'll always be my big sister." (Dahne)
3. Adam: "You know you were right. Pops isn't a hero. He's a fraud." Murray: "That's not what I meant. Listen, Pops may not be magic but he's a terrific grandfather and he's always there for you." Adam: "But he still lied to me." Murray: "He exaggerated. That's what all grandfathers do. You know why? Because they want you to love them as much as they love you." (Dahne)
1. Joan: "We both know they'll never take me seriously over there." Pete: "They don't know who they're dealing with." (Maximilian Conte)
2. Roger to Don: "You are okay." (Maximilian Conte)
3. Peggy: “Maybe she was very young and followed her heart and got in trouble – and no one should have to make a mistake just like a man does and not be able to move on. She should be able to live the rest of her life just like a man does.” (Tonya Papanikolas)
4. Ken: “I feel like a spy.” Roger: “You look like one.” (Tonya Papanikolas)
5. Meredith: “Don’t sweetheart me. In a month you’re not going to have an office and you’re not going to have an apartment. Do you want to lose me, too?” (Tonya Papanikolas)
1. Elizabeth: "Who knew it would be so hard forging your legacy?" President Dalton: "This isn't just my legacy, Bess. It's ours." Elizabeth: "That's very nice of you to say, sir. Thank you." (Daniel van der Veer)
2. Henry: "You don't want Juliet to die." Elizabeth: "Does that make me a traitor?" Henry: "No. It makes you human." (Daniel van der Veer)
3. Elizabeth: "And now I can't stop thinking ... that this treaty I fought so hard for, that people close to me died for, is really all a big mistake?" (Daniel van der Veer)
1. Sam: “What is that, your first mug shot, Deeks?” Deeks: “You mean ‘cause he’s got styled-by-pillow hair and he smirking?” (Tonya Papanikolas)
2. Callen: “I think Deeks actually has a few things to teach this kid.” Deeks: “Thank you.” Sam: “Really? Such as?” Kensi: “Such as expanding his cultural horizons.” Sam: “Oh yeah. What kid wouldn’t want to play ‘Grand Theft Auto Five’ and pause re-runs of ‘Baywatch?’” (Tonya Papanikolas)
3. Eric: “We can only make out that is a Toyota Camry - mid-2000s, likely.” Callen: “What about that homeless guy?” Eric: “Mmmm, I’d say his cart is an Albertsons, possibly late-model Safeway.” Nell: “He’ll be here all week, folks.” (Tonya Papanikolas)
Once Upon a Time - Robin Hood: "She's pregnant." (Melissa Cavallo)
1. Donnie: “We should have been drug dealers years ago.” Alison: “Pharmaceutical entrepreneurs.” (Nirat Anop)
2. Alexis: “All I regret is breaking bread with abominations.” Sarah: “If Helena’s an abomination I’m much worse.” (Nirat Anop)
3. Marci: “Look Alison, you can buy a few votes with your soaps and you can quite possibly carve out some of my support but you can’t actually win.” Alison: “Go sell a house Marci.” Marci: “Do you seriously think that people are going to trust their children to an infamous alcoholic?” Alison: “Why not? They trusted a conniving, second rate realtor.” Marci: “May the best woman win Alison.” Alison: “Goodbye Marci… I need to cut something.” (Nirat Anop)
4. Felix: "Can't you just like, look away?" Art: "It's a dead body not a bag of weed." Felix: "Well, look away, and it too will go up in smoke." (Darth Locke)
5. Cosima: “Did his soul say I’m outta here. I’m outta this dimension.” Scott: “Please Cosima, this is weird enough.” Felix: “A good lab partner should be metaphysically empathetic.” (Nirat Anop and Darth Locke)
6. Mark: "I love her." Bonnie: "Not like her mother." (Darth Locke)
Outlander - Jenny Murray: “And if your life is a suitable exchange for my honor, tell me why my honor is not a suitable exchange for your life. Are you telling me I may not love you as much as you love me? Because if you are, Jamie Fraser, I’ll tell you right now, it’s not true.” (Sharon Seymour)
1. Fusco to Reese: "You have a temperature or something?" (Jimmy Ryan)
2. Root to Finch: "You admitted me to the funny farm once. Turns out it's fair play." (Jimmy Ryan)
3. The Machine to Finch, Root and Greer: "You are wrong, Harold. You are not interchangeable. I failed to save Sameen. I will not fail to save you now." (Jimmy Ryan, Justyna Kubica, Bradley Adams, and Mark Ondo)
1. Mary: “Whatever happens to him, it’s over. I will never see him again.” Francis: “You say that as if somehow I’ve won. But how can it be over when he is so ingrained in your heart? You will always see him just as I will always see you – naked in each other’s arms.” (Tonya Papanikolas)
2. Mary: “Francis, I know I have hurt you. We have hurt each other. But there is something I’ve learned and that is we must put this behind us. We are king and queen, chained together as surely as prisoners in a dungeon. And if we are not to suffer as prisoners do, we must make peace with each other. It’s our only chance of survival in this life – without going mad with grief. Do you think you could ever forgive me?” (Tonya Papanikolas)
1. Leigh: “What if I cry like those women do in the movies?” Dan: “Wouldn’t work. I once broke off an engagement at an Applebees and had dessert afterwards.” (Mark Ondo)
2. Gary: “Ma'am, the cheese’s on its way. Here’s an interim banana.” Selina: “It doesn’t even work.” (Mark Ondo)
3. Kent: “I cannot endorse that message but I do acknowledge it.” (Mark Ondo)
Honorable Mentions -
Backstrom -
1. Backstrom: "You're in on this?" Valentine: "If I have to make peace with my mother, why shouldn't you make peace with yours?"
2. Valentine: "I know how to work handcuffs." Backstrom: "These aren't the gay, fun-filled, furry lined kind, okay? He slips out of these, you're going to get a lot more than a spanking." Valentine: "Promises, promises."
3. Blue: "I don't appreciate being interrupted." Lawyer: "Where are we? Deadwood?"
Battle Creek -
1. Guz: "There have been so many times on this job when I have been tempted to pick up a bottle but I never have because I always had you to get home to. You saved me and I would really like to return the favor."
2. Jacocks: "I found a ticket. Illegal U-turn." Fontanelle: "Oooh, we better warn her. He might turn around suddenly."
3. Milt: "You're under arrest for the murders of Rosalee Brackish and Kyle Chilton." Devon: "You guys are slow."
4. Milt: "Pritchett happened to be your boss when you came in. That doesn't make his opinion any more valid than anyone else. It's certainly no more valid than mine and I say you're a better detective and a better person than he could ever be."
5. Guz: "Poppa used to love spending time with you. He also used to love beating Nana. My dad was a drunk, an abusive drunk. My mom was a pill head, only way she could cope. My dad took a lot of anger out on me. I was an easy target I guess. So what did I do? I drank. The cycle continued. By the time I was a senior in high school, I was drinking every day." Danny: "So you were an alcoholic?" Guz: "Still am. Sober 22 years." Danny: "How come you never told me this before?" Guz: "I wanted to be a moral example. Today I have decided that I should be me and you should be you."
The Big Bang Theory -
1. Amy: "His mom gets roses. When I want them, they're a bouquet of severed plant genitals." Sheldon: "You act like I didn't get you that mushroom log on Valentine's Day." Amy: "He's right. Roses die, but a moist, rotting log will pump out mushrooms for 2 or 3 magical years."
2. Howard: "I mean for awhile everything was vampires. Now it's all zombies. I wonder what the next monster fad will be." Raj: "Well we haven't had a good invisible man for awhile." Stuart: "Clearly you haven't seen me try to talk to a woman."
3. Sheldon: "Listen. Leonard's mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she is here." Mary: "Are you ashamed of me?" Sheldon: "Of course not. I love you. I'm just embarrassed by the things you believe, do, and say." Mary: "Well I love you too, my little bowl of lion chow."
4. Sheldon: "I was a handful." Leonard: "You still are."
Community -
1. Abed: "But I can't just burn up my cop drama. It's my only chance at the mainstream success I need before I'm allowed to make weird stuff for money. It's my American Graffiti, my Elephant Man, my Four Rooms - the Robert Rodriguez segment."
2. Abed: "So we keep the cameras rolling and we edit out the parts we don't like and we stop thinking about Chris Pratt so much because it is not healthy." Jeff: "Will you do me a favor?" Abed: "I'd never tell anybody about our private conversations. I wouldn't really know how." Jeff: "Let's cut my stupid scene out of this piece of cr**."
3. Annie: "Did you ever really know his name?" Elroy: "The Chinese fella right, whose name is some kind of noise. Um, Clang, Bang, Meringue."
4. Abed: "I had a real life former cop help me with the dialogue. Real life former cops aren't great with dialogue."
5. Abed: "Are you nuts? What is wrong with you?' Jeff: "Every single one of you is going to leave here except for me. Troy, Shirley, Annie's going to be president. Even Pierce got to die. Now Chang goes to Hollywood so we force you to make the cr** movie of all time and then we force you to make it even cr** and we watch it and it's still not even that bad. And the part I accidentally got the most excited about is the 7 minutes we can cut. Do you know what that means?" Abed: "It means I'm a genius but we already knew that."
CSI: Cyber -
1. Simon: "Yeah well, privacy is a myth. Personal info is the new commodity."
2. Krumitz: "So you just quit. You gave up." Mundo: "No. There's a big difference between quitting and just knowing when it's not your day."
3. Vickner: "You're not gonna try to hug me know, are you?' Simon: "No, in fact my job practically guarantees I'm gonna be a constant pain in your a**."
4. Avery: "Mr. Hart, in my line of work, just a kid doesn't mean anything."
5. Krumitz: "Tell us why. Why did you do it?" Willa: "Because I wanted to. I was bored. I did it because I could."
The Flash -
1. Wells: "You look so young. I could kill you right now so easy. What I wouldn't have given all those time before to have had you like this. So helpless. But fate, fate's tricky isn't it? I come here to destroy you and then to get home I have to be the one who creates you. But I will say it's been an education, watching you grow up all these years. Science fairs and soccer games. No hint, no sign, no trace of the man you will be one day, for whom I have nothing but hate and to be clear, nothing is forgiven. There will be a reckoning. I promise you, Barry Allen, that you will die."
2. Cisco: "I put a tracker on his wheelchair. Which if we're wrong about him and he is paralyzed, I'm going to hell for that one."
3. Cisco: "Yeah except I'm pretty sure I die in this dream. If I go back into it, am I going to die in real life? I mean what are we talking about here. Is this Inception or Dreamscape?"
4. Barry: "I guess I was afraid I couldn't save everyone." Wells: "Right, but if there is anything that I have learned in our time together, Barry, is that the only thing standing in the way of you achieving every goal that you set for yourself is you. There is no limit to how strong you will get or how fast you will go. Everything that you need, you already have."
5. Joe: "I'm not following." Barry: "Alright what if that day Cisco found out that Wells is Reverse Flash and then Wells killed him, but when I ran back a day I changed the timeline so that event never happened?" Joe: "If it never happened, how could Cisco remember it?"
The Goldbergs -
1. Adam: "Are you combining Nintendo and Atari into some horrible mom word?"
2. Murray: "She just had her morning coffee. You go. I'll stay and be a body in the room for her."
3. Laney: "I'm so sorry Barry. If you don't want to be seen with me, I totally get it." Barry: "I'm not gonna lie. I'm super into this." Laney: "I love dating a weirdo."
Grimm -
1. Hank: "Maybe the killer isn't Wesen." Wu: "Well that'd be a nice change of pace."
2. Monroe: "Nick thinks the killer who did the killing wasn't actually the killer who did the killing because the killing was done by a killer who'd been dead a long time."
3. Juliette: "When are you all going to learn that I like who I am?" Nick: "Well we don't." Juliette: "Well that's just too damn bad. You made me. Now get used to it."
4. Rosalee: "Now all we've got to do is get Juliette to take it." Monroe: "Oh that will be snap cause, you know, the last time she took something we gave…boy, that worked out like gangbusters."
5. Nick: "How do you feel?" Adalind: "Like I just drank my mother."
Happyish -
1. Thom: "My name is Thomas Payne and I…I work for Satan. I've worked for the Dark Lord for 20 years now and so I say this with a fair degree of authority. F** Mad Men. There's nothing cool about advertising. There's nothing interesting. We do the same thing that everyone else in the world does these days. We kiss the zit-covered a** of arrogant, know nothing teenagers. It's Lord of the Flies out there folks and everyone over the age of 18 is Piggy."
2. Jonathan: "In a couple of months, I expect to be replaced by a f** app."
3. Dani: "Thom Payne, low joy ceiling. It's not the pursuit of happiness that's our problem. It's our inability to accept when we have maxed out. You think you're not happy? Trust me, Thom. You couldn't possibly be happier."
4. Thom: "Abs don't tell the world you're healthy. They tell the world you're one Twinkie away from killing yourself."
5. Barry: "If you ask me Julius is just too happy." Thom: "Too happy?" Barry: "You make your kid happy in this world, you're setting them up. It's child abuse. Trust me Thom, the only shot at happiness in this world is a miserable childhood, the sh** the better."
6. Jonathan: "Things have changed, Thom. Thinking is not as important as tweeting."
iZombie -
1. Clive: "They didn't get this at Ikea." Liv: "No this is what Rumpelstiltskin carves for you after you promise him your firstborn."
2. Evan: "You're on her side? Is this a bit?" Liv: "When I was your age, we valued hard work." Evan: "Yeah, back in the hardscrabble year of aught 4. All those CD-ROMs that needed burning."
3. Clive: "The first time I was on a stakeout, I was so bored I ate 3 candy bars and an entire package of mini-donuts. FYI - if you're waiting to bust a coke den, it's better if you're not riding a sugar high and covered in white powder."
4. Lowell: "My plan is to score some ludicrously straight brain ASAP. I may dig up Wilt Chamberlain."
5. Lowell: "Sorry. I didn't realize the bump it-blow it up thing was over and we're back to tapping rats."
6. Ravi: "I'm missing a rat. Liv, you're rocking a rat." Liv: "I am 5 seconds away from naming it and then making it a grilled cheese. These maternal instincts are relentless."
The Messengers -
1. Alan: "Planetary geologist. Did he rock your world?"
2. Alan: "Why do I always go for the crazy ones?"
3. Rose: "What matters is that we're together now."
New Girl - Nick: "You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. It’s science.” (Mark Ondo)
Orphan Black -
1. Helena: “Where are these mangoes? I would like to see these mangoes.” (Sharon Seymour)
2. Cosima: "The Boy clones are our brothers." (Darth Locke)
Person of Interest -
1. Shelley to Control: "You have no idea what's coming for you, bitch." (Jimmy Ryan)
2. Lionel Fusco to Elias's bodyguard: "How about we come back with a SWAT team?" (Jimmy Ryan)
Salem - Mary: “Can I tell you something I never spoken out loud before? He was the only man I ever loved and the saddest part is he died not knowing it." (Mark Ondo)
Stalker -
1. Janice: "You want some good news?" Jack: "I'd kill for some."
2. Janice: "They're unlocked. She got free…and it looks like she kicked his a**."
3. Ray: "I've waited 12 years to be with you and I realize I may have to wait 12 more years for you to trust me again, for you to love me, but I can wait. I mean I think if we've established anything it's that I'm patient. Wouldn't you agree?"
4. Beth: "Why did you kill Perry?" Ray: "Perry became a liability." Beth: "How many others, Ray?" Ray: "The end justifies the means." Beth: "What is the end? Do you even know?" Ray: "You and me together? Like it's always been."
5. Ray: "I know you think I'm a horrible person and maybe I am, but I don't have to be. You have the power to change me."
Younger -
1. Anton: "I believe it was Fitzgerald who said that the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold 2 opposed ideas in mind at the same time." Kelsey: "I think it's highly possible that F. Scott Fitzgerald was drunk when he said that."
2. Liza: "You're a really good friend." Diana: "No, a good friend would stop bailing her out and let her hit rock bottom. This is professional. She is my author. Now let's get her out of here while she still has her underwear on." Annabelle: "I still have my underwear on? This was a terrible party."
3. Diana: "I tried to get her into rehab but there is only so much you can do for people who need help but won't get it." Liza: "Well sometimes people need a second chance." Diana: "I don't carry dead weight well…in my personal life or in my office."
4. Liza: "I'm sorry. I took a Cross Fit class this morning and I think I tore my…everything."
5. Diana: "Liza, I hope you realize the opportunity I'm giving you." Liza: "I do, Diana." Diana: "Good because my assistants don't stay assistants very long. They move up or they move out."
6. Josh: "You know. I figured out what her problem is." Liza: "What's that?" Josh: "That she won't act her age. I mean she's clearly in her 40's but she acts like she's in her 20's. Why would people do that, you know?"
