In what is meant to be a climactic scene in Fifty Shades of Grey, doe-eyed Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) tells her Dominant (a BDSM euphemism for master), Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), to do his worst and show her just how “unconventional” his tastes really are. As Christian strikes Anastasia across her bare backside with a riding crop, he forces her to count out loud the number of lashes he has doled out.
The pain inflicted upon Anastasia will be felt by anyone whose own masochism leads them to watch Fifty Shades of Grey. In the spirit of the film’s ridiculous and hollow finale, let’s count the types of punishment inflicted upon the audience.
1. The flat performances of the two leads, Johnson and Dornan, echo the shallow nature of the characters. Johnson limits herself to two facial expressions: lip-biting -- meant to be sexy -- or wide-eyed “Gee, mister, I’ve never heard of that before” surprise. Dornan, who is excellent and superbly creepy in the British series The Fall, speaks with a stilted rhythm as if he is more focused on pulling off an American accent (he doesn’t) than giving any semblance of emotion to his delivery.
2. More shaky than Dornan’s accent is the asinine dialogue the actors are forced to deliver. The screenplay adaptation was written by Kelly Marcel and if what we hear in the movie is indicative of author EL James’ skills as a writer, it is now even a greater mystery how the Fifty Shades series has sold millions of books. Subtext? A waste of time. Marcel and James seem to think Christian’s oft-repeated “I don’t do…” mantra makes him elusive and, thus, sexier. In reality, it’s just a lazy way to have a someone verbally define himself rather than build an authentic character who traits are revealed through actions and emotions.
3. Almost as averse to subtlety is director Sam Taylor-Johnson whose idea of symbolism is Anastasia being shocked as she stares up at a large, gray phallic-shaped building. If that isn’t transparent enough for you, a few scenes later Anastasia is sucking on a gray pencil with the word “Grey” on it as she daydreams about Christian GREY. Get it?!
4.Credit must be given to Taylor-Johnson, though, because she has done her homework. In the same way Quentin Tarantino pays homage to 70s blaxploitation and kung fu films, Taylor-Johnson tries to emulate the straight-to-video erotic thrillers of the early 1990s. Overbearing score? Check. Plenty of gratuitous female nudity? You bet. Sex scenes that go on for far too long and don’t propel the story forward? Oh yeah.
5. Also lacking from the story is any discernible motivation for the characters. Anastasia is attracted to Christian because he is handsome. But when she finds out about his fetish and his playroom (seriously, that’s what it’s called), why does she insist on continuing the relationship? Deep down is the really a closet Submissive? It doesn’t appear so. Does she think she can change Christian despite him explicitly telling her this is all he’s interested in? And why does Christian begin to open himself up to her? He says “I can’t control myself around you?” But why? She doesn’t fit his ideal fantasy and with his resources surely he can find another young girl to prey upon. It’s impossible to take a movie seriously with characters who behave so counterintuitively.
6. Possibly the most piercing pain comes from the fact that two sequels have already received a greenlight before Fifty Shades has even opened. That means 1) soon two more piles of garbage will exist and 2) more money will be funneled into the Fifty Shades franchise rather than invested in promising young filmmakers who have a unique and independent voice that should be heard.
Grade: F
Thank you for your sacrifice to society with this review and saving the rest of us from having to endure this movie. You are a braver person then I. Now we only have to endure weeks of Fifty Shades fans going on about how much they loved it, sooo romantic why can't my husband be Christian Grey etc. Or worse talking about how it lacked what the horribly written book had.
ReplyDeleteYet another reason to hate the Twilight franchise for bringing us this shit...and this makes Twilight seem like Citizen Kane
ReplyDeleteGod bless your eyes for having to watch this. I hope you got a reward of free popcorn or goobers or something because one of the best reviews, and I have read few (for the laughs alone), of this "film".
ReplyDeleteI feel really sad for you my friend that u had to endure this crap.I feel for you.
ReplyDeleteI have a mother and an aunt who love the books and don't understand at all. It's not meant to have much storyline, it's just about the sex - and BDSM is not something I'm interested in. My mother wanted me to read them and I just handed them back to her.
ReplyDeleteI'll admit I liked the Twilight books, so see even someone like me has their limits.
muhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh! eheheh! well...at least u survived the viewing... every job requires sacrifices sometimes and film reviewing landed u with this. perhaps watching something awesome will make it easier to recover...
ReplyDeleteNot my kind of movie/book anyway so I was never going to be tempted to go watch it even if I could get round the embarrasment first. My main problem with the movies is the whole concept of porn (soft core as it is) being allowed to become Main stream at the very same time judges are allowing young boys to get away with Rape and sexual assult against young girls because in the judges/parents and societies eyes those boys have been corrupted by online porn being so readily available that they cant possibly be responsible for what they've done. Its stinks of mixed messages, we all know sex is nothing to be ashamed of but thats not the message this film is going to be giving is it. We'll basically be telling young people that its ok to behave like Mr Grey because in the eyes of the masses(sheep) it is seen as sexy. What happens when we start getting cases of young people replicating what they have seen in the film? What about the first time a young boy assults a young girl and blames the movie? I am honestly just waiting for the first law suit against a boy who has spanked a girl because he saw in the movie and the media that is 'sexy'. Well done movie industry for losing all credibility and class for a fast buck.
ReplyDeleteThat is why I'm glad my favourite tv actors didn't sign up for the film. It was so obvious that it was going to get slated.
ReplyDeleteAs a big cinema fan, I need to see, but I'm with no courage for now :P
ReplyDeleteI partially agree with you . I have no problem with sex being main stream ( soft porn ) as long as it is tasteful and most of all erotic . My problem with the books and the movie is that is has no real plot development what soever and basically is not erotic at all . For people with a healthy sex life it's just not believable . As for the young women out there it is not ok to let anyone ,no matter how beautiful or rich they are , to have that much power oven you . No one should tell you how to dress , who to be friends with and what to eat . No matter how much in love you are you should still have a life . My advice to them would be if in real life you meet someone like that get as far away as you can . These men are called stalkers and sexual predators . Spanking and bondage is ok when you truly trust some one .
ReplyDeleteThis will be a must skip for me. Its covering this topic it needs to be graphic, not a dumb down version of what is should have been. And the gratuitous female nudity, Really? All just her?
ReplyDeleteAs an avid reader, I pride myself on the fact that I have not read these perfect examples of literary trash. I love Dornan & don't fault him for taking on a part that gaurantee's him a bigger career but I so wish he was getting this massive recognition/exposure for his work on The Fall instead.
ReplyDeleteNot interested in watching this. All I can say, after watching the trailer (yes, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about) all I could think about was Paul Spector (Jamie Dornan's character in The Fall). Being tied to the bed by him will never be sexy after watching that show.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of sex in the "50 Shades" trilogy but the books aren't really about sex. They are about a brilliant, handsome, young and fabulously wealthy guy who is severely emotionally damaged because of childhood and adolescent experiences. The kind of sex Christian engages in is a symptom of that illness. He needs to be in total control of everyone and everything so he won't get hurt. He can't stand to be touched in any way, sexual or not. He doesn't know how to relate to people he's not the boss of. So he keeps his "affairs" businesslike: his submissives have to sign a contract before he'll let them be with him (no emotional involvement, privacy protection for him), then he ties them up during sex so he has all the control, and they can't physically touch him. BDSM is a coping mechanism he learned in his teens, rather than a mature choice of a lifestyle. He sees a psychotherapist but gets nowhere. Then Anna comes into his life, falls head over heels in love with him, and and you know things are going to change. There are many positive ideas in the books, none new, but nevertheless true: money can't buy happiness: just because you have the power to do something doesn't mean it's OK to do it; you have to admit you have a problem before you can do something about it; accepting help doesn't signify weakness; you can only change yourself if you really want to and no one else can do it for you, etc. These books are SO not great literature and don't pretend to be. They are "popular" writing and as such are read by many different people for different reasons. I don't think they should be read or the current movie seen by anyone who is not mature. No one has to approve of what's between the covers of the books; each mature person should be his or her own censor and do - or not do - what makes them personally comfortable. That's our right and no one should be judged.
ReplyDeleteI don't have an opinion on the film cause I don't watch many films really...more of a TV addict but how some of these critics got their jobs is beyond me....some have been so horrible and dam right unprofessional about this film it's unreal (talking about this vile woman on tv today) I expect us regular members of the public to act that way but....jeeez...have some respect for the actors involved in the film, you can hate something but do it in a professional manner if that's the job you get paid for! Sorry bit of a rant but she was horrible, like to see how she would like it if we did that to her!
ReplyDeleteExactly.
ReplyDeleteIt's a post modern retelling of The Picture of Dorian Gray. It's a Faustian psychological thriller that is aesthetically sugar-coated with a certain kind of hyper-real eroticism to convey the modern equivalent of a modern day first world aestheticism movement and point out that 'The Devil and/or devil-deal-makers are still people too, and in which they still need connections to other people to have any power and/or exist.