Hello Scandalites! Well did you guys OMG!! (WTF?!?!, &*#@?!) in the last 30 seconds of the episode as last week's promo promised you would. If you didn't, maybe you should check your pulse because the shocking reveal might've left you dead.
Let's dive in shall we?
Last night's opening scene was drastically different than last week's. We see Jake sitting in a slightly dark room spouting off why he's perfect for B6013. He has no family and we find out that his sister died. It was honestly very creepy and I felt like I was watching a super long monologue in a play.
Meanwhile, Bergen is desperately trying to keep Sally in check during their debate prep. He calls her Pastor and tells him he has to help Sally before she goes in front of the world and they can see how truly batshit insane she is. Bergen opens a door to an adjacent room and we see Sally going HAM (pun intended my friends) She's calling "Fake Fitz" a piggy and that it's time for him to fry. We already know the woman is crazy so the whole rant really just made me want some bacon.
Team Fitz is having their own fake debate at the White House with Melly playing Sally (with a very convincing southern drawl and slight hint of insanity), while Andrew is fake Restin. Fitz shut's down one of Melly/Sally's rebuttals and Cyrus is happier than a pig in mud (ok sorry guys…last pig pun). He's so excited that Fitz is finally back on track and tries to bask in the glory with Liv, but she is nowhere to be found.
Turns out Liv is absent from The Great Debaters: Fitz Takes All because David is busy telling her all about DD's murder and subsequent cover up. He plays the NSA tape for her and wants her to help bring down Sally and Cyrus. Cue the patent pending Liv Lip-Quiver. Available soon in difficult situations near you.
Liv takes her quivering lip to Cyrus' office and tells him that she knows everything. Cyrus tries to reassure her that he has it covered but Liv isn't buying it. And then…she starts laughing like a crazy person.
Cyrus is looking at her like she's crazy and we can't blame him. She finally manages to choke out "They're all murderers. Every one of the Presidential candidates is a murder. It's like Murderers Row". Cyrus soon finds the humor in the situation as well and quips, "Nobody's perfect". But Liv isn't dwelling in the humor of the situation for long. She tells Cyrus that she wants to tell Fitz and he begs her not to. He wants her to cover it up instead but Liv is sick of the lies and the deception. "I want to stand in the light and feel the sun on my face", she says. Cyrus begs her to reconsider but she tells him he's on his own. And we all know what Cy does when he feels threatened....
"Hello..is this 1-800 Dial A Killer?"
Since Quinn is so desperate to be a part of B6-13, Jake has relegated her to answering phones and taking paper orders. (ACME LTD. really does sell paper you guys!) She is angry for the "bitch" work and snaps at Jake. "Where's my mission? Where's my gun? I didn't join B6-13 to sell paper"
Shet up Quinn!!!
Jake snaps back. She's not a part of B6-13 yet and she has to pay her dues. Oh and he nips all freelance work in the bud. Guess Charlie is going to have to find new ways to acquire disposable income. Might I suggest becoming a baker?
We cut to Daddy Pope and Bergen in the back of a town car and now it's time for a riddle. One of the men is going on a complete rampage using big words and jerky head movements. Can you guess who?
If you guessed Daddy Pope, you are a winner!
You are the owner of a brand new patent still pending Liv Lip-Quiver. Make sure to save it for a situation that really calls for it.
Anyways, Daddy Pope is on another rampage and is telling Bergen to his candidate in check. If Bergen can't get it together, he's fired. DP tries to play if off like a figure of speech since Bergen technically isn't working for him. But we all know when DP says "fired" really means "dead". You know it's true!!
Back at Pope & Assoc., Abby is trying to get Liv involved in bringing down Sally. But Liv is like:
She's washing her hands of the situation and says that David should do what he should. She places the files David gave her in the safe and walks away. Liv takes her sadness straight to Jake's apartment. She shows up with burgers and wine (old habits die hard) in tow. He's surprised and says " "The last time you where here…." hahaha. I see what you did there Jake.
He knows that something is wrong but she does not want to talk about it and starts yelling at him because that's her second favorite thing to do after making her lip quiver. So he changes the subject and starts talking about all the "paper" he sold. She smiles ruefully and pours more wine into her glass. "If you keep drinking like that, I might take advantage of you" Jake says pointedly.
"Sometimes I just want to be the guy that sells paper," he says and begs Liv to run away with him and "to save him". It's such a sweet and tender moment but we all know that Liv can't leave her co-dependent/married boo. Instead she just says, "Take advantage of me Jake." They start kissing and the camera fades to black
This exchange deserved TWO GIFS!
Back at the Casa de Psychos, Sally's reverend leaves a room looking completely shell shocked. Turns out Sally confessed her crime to the reverend, much to Bergen's dismay. "I must confess to the world so the Lord will hear me" she says solemnly. Apparently God stopped speaking to Sally so she has to confess to get back into his good graces. "It is the only way I will hear His voice again"
Pretty sure that wasn't God you were hearing, Sally.
Since it's pretty apparent that Sally is going to do something drastic, Bergen goes to Cyrus and tries to get him to push the debate. Cyrus declines immediately and Bergen tries to get him to cancel it. Cyrus is like:
Bergen finally admits: "If this debate happens. You are going to go to jail"
Meanwhile, Quinn is still toiling away answering phones and homegirl really needs to work on her phone etiquette. Charlie walks in and is really surprised to see her. She says she's paying her dues and Charlie is actually really surprised to learn that "ACME LTD" really sells paper. Before Quinn can make a bitchy retort, Charlie gets a call from Cyrus asking for some help. But due to the new ban on freelance work, Charlie politely declines. But Quinn is looking on like a lion watching a Zebra. When will this bitch EVAR LEARN?!?!?!
Abby is still trying to convince David to drop the DD murder case but he laughs it off. She gets really serious and tells him he can't just laugh off his life. It's not fair to her.
Cyrus is silently freaking out back at the White House and cryptically tells James "Whatever happens. know the best part of me loves you. maybe the only good part." Meaning something serious is about to go down. He then goes to Jake and tells him "I need you to kill Sally Langston" !!!
At the same time, we see James confiding in David telling him that Cyrus professing his love is a very very bad sign. James is still determined to bring Cy down so he tries to convince David to exhume DD's body.
We go back to Jake and Cy and we see that Jake completely shuts Cyrus down and says he will not help him. Cyrus counters that with a very valid argument about how the country will go to shit if the public finds out. "They need to believe that their elected officials are not murderers" Cyrus says and stumbles over murderers like the rest of us. But can we discuss how this is the worst presidency of all time. In the history of ever? Like damn.
Jake isn't buying it though and calls Cyrus a mouse on a wheel working towards the cheese he'll never get. Apparently Jake has been taking reading lessons from Daddy Pope.
Aww, they grow up so fast!
After properly trying all of Cyrus' life, Jake returns to B6-13 and Quinn is ready to bitch some more. I was honestly too busy cursing Quinn out on twitter so I had to rewind to hear her rant.
I regret nothing.
Ok after rewinding (Thank the Shondas for DVR), Quinn says that Jake is keeping her grounded to save his relay with Liv. She basically tells him that Liv tricking people into thinking you're apart of her family and that she's a user. "If you really think that, you don't know Olivia Pope at all"
OK, I'M IN DESPERATE NEED OF A DANCE BREAK. Look I have had it up to here (points to Mars) with Quinn's bullshit! Liv saved her life TWICE, tried to give her a job and a new life. It is her own fault for falling in with Huck. Liv isn't her damn mother and honestly she's giving way too much power to Liv. You're a grown ass woman and if you're grown enough to kill a bitch, you're grown enough to take ownership of your fuck ups! Ugh I CAN'T WITH HER! DANCE BREAK OVER.
Jake seems to take what Quinn says to heart, but he's amazing and is like:
"Watch the way you talk to clients. We're starting to lose fake business" he says and walks away. Man, I love this due.
Since Jake shut him down, Cyrus turns to Liv again and begs her to cancel the debate. He admits that he royally screwed things up and is trying to fix it. Although, Cyrus' number one problem solver is murder, so yea there's that. So Liv obliges and agrees to talk to Sally. And since Sally is literally the worst, she calls Liv "The devil at her doorstep". Liv tries to take Sally out of punishing herself this way but Sally starts equating herself to Jesus.
Ok Kanye. (I tweeted this last night by the way)
Sally is like the white southern baptist version of Kanye. Sallyzus!
Liv realizes that Sally is hopeless so she calls Fitz on the side-phone. She tells him about DD's murder and that Mellie and Cyrus had a hand in covering it up. He's obviously shocked and upset but before they can get into a yelling match, she asks Fitz to throw the debate. After that harrowing conversation, she begins drinking more wine when Jake shows up. He has Chinese and seems really eager and happy until he notices that Liv is pretty tipsy and upset.
He says it's time to start talking about real life and no more fake paper salesman jobs. Jake wants to stop doing terrible things and wants Liv to stop with him. "Stand in the sun with me" he implores and she just looks at him sadly. "Oh, you're already standing with him" (Yikes, someone is really starting to hate Ole Fitzy there) She tries to explain but he's not having it. "It's ok, you're doing your job," he says coldly, "I should be doing mine." Then he exits stage left.
Back at "ACME LTD" Quinn comes to Jake's office and asks him to forgive her for her little outburst she had two commercial breaks ago. But he's mad at Liv and now he's allowing Quinn to do real work. "You've paid your dues," he says, " I have a real job for you"
Whatcha doin Jake? Huh???
At the debate, Sally is on her knees praying to herself..oh sorry…I mean Jesus. In the opposite corner, Liv is still trying to convince Fitz to throw the debate. "She needs a sign," Liv tells him, "She needs to know that she's back in God's good graces." But Fitz tells her no and walks onto the stage.
We cut to Pope & Assoc., and see that Quinn is breaking into Li's safe and takes pictures of the files David gave Liv. She also takes the flash drive with the phone call on it. I'm really thinking Liv needs to invest in a new safe with a retina scan, fingerprint scan, lip-quiver sensor….something cuz the security on her current safe is SERIOUSLY lacking.
Back at the debate, Sally tries to bring up Fitz's moral shortcomings and Fitz lays into her, just like he promised he would. And then…FLASHBACK
Jake is in his office giving orders to TOM to take out Sally if she starts to go off script!!!!
So Tom is the one that's been tasked to take out Southern Baptist Yeezus if she starts to admit her crime. We see him preparing himself above the crowd and the debate ready to take the kill shot! Well at least we know Jake is smart enough not to trust Quinn to do this job.
Fitz throws another insult Sally's way and she begins to answer but stops to say she has something to admit! OH NO SALLY!!!! We see Tom preparing to pull the trigger and….
THESE COMMERCIAL BREAKS ARE GOING TO BE THE EFFIND EATH OF MEEEEE!!!
Back from what felt like the longest commercial break in all of creation, Fitz jumps in before Sally gets got and tells her to stop spewing Bible verses! He ends up throwing the debate and Sally comes back swinging. Guess she finally feels like God is back in her corner but she doesn't even know that he just saved her DAMN LIFE.
No new friends Fitz, no new friends.
A day later, Bergen is super freaking stoked that Fitz threw the debate. He says they are geniuses for doing that and before the leaving the room, he asks Cyrus how he can get any work with that buzzing sound? !!!!!!!! Cyrus quickly figures it out and finds the bug planted in his digital photo frame!!!
Liv goes to talk to Fitz, who is sulking after being publicly humiliated.(btw we know this because we see an overhead shot of the oval office, meaning this is probably from Jake's POV) Liv doesn't have time for sulking today and tells him, "You know what? Grow up"
"Are you serious?" Fitz shoots back, "I'm the only adult within a ten mile radius of this place." Haha, sure bro. Liv tells him that there is no Vermont i.e. happy escape for them. He tries to walk away from her but Liv pulls him back. "This isn't what I wanted it to be," she says quietly, "This is what it is". And then they make out. And I can only assume that Jake was watching the whole exchange. o_O
James gets a text from David Rosen with a meeting place and a time but before he can reply Cyrus walks into the house. "Hello Publius" he says and I stop breathing. James frantically tries to explain but Cyrus stops him. "I did this. I used you, he says" You were right to lie to me".
"I was so angry. You broke our family" James replies with tears in his eyes but Cyrus is being very open and willing to take the blame. "You shouldn't have to pay for my mistakes James. Do what you want with me, with us. I'm in your hands. I'm so very sorry. And I love you. More than anything"
AWWWWWWWWWW. But this CANNOT be a good sign.
James goes to meet David and tells him that's backing out. All he really wanted was an apology from Cyrus. So that's all it takes these days? David tells him that Vanessa and the NSA Agent are waiting and they want answers since James was the one that called the meeting. "I thought you were the one that called this meeting" James says frantically.
But Wrong..You see someone walking through the darkness. Vanessa gets shot in the head and then the NSA agent. David and James look bewildered and then we see that JAKE is the shooter!!!!?!?!?!?! He fires towards one of them and the screen cuts to black!!!!!
Whyyyyyy Jake??!?! Whyyyyyyy?!?!
Btw, during this entire exchange we saw Jake's B6-13 monologue from earlier. And it seemed like he was talking to himself the entire time? Is he going crazy? Has Liv's constant rejection finally led him into the darkness for good?
Figures since all the men I'm attracted to are cray and damaged...
SCANDAL TALLY
Number of times we saw the patent pending Liv Lip-Quiver: A million bagillion trillion
Number of times Sally went on a religious tirade: 2 or 3. I can't keep up
Number of times I yelled at Quinn for being insufferable: 10++
Number of times Jake read a bitch: 3
Number of times Jake read a bitch: 3
-I guess Adnan (long-lost Kardashian) and Mama Pope are off being sketchy in the background this week. Harrison was also notably absent.
-Next week, Liv promises someone to bring the killer to justice but we still don't know who Jake shot. I think it was David since James said he was dropping the whole thing. But I'm not sure why Jake wouldn't kill both of them.
So what did you guys think of this crazy episode? Sound off in the comments below.
