Recap: See last week.
Now
A bank teller tells an older man she’s sorry for keeping him waiting. He tells her it’s fine and that he has safety deposit box number one which she wasn’t expecting. He opens it with glee to find a bone. But not just any bone, “an extremely valuable bone.” And “is this anything else I can help you with today” have got to be the most cursed words on Supernatural.
More Dean eating as Kevin is trying to convince Sam and Dean to go check on his mom. Dean reasonably points out that the mother is bait but Kevin isn’t convinced. Dean chews on it and then “Son of a bitch. Fine let’s go.” And off they drive to wherever Kevin is from. They spot her in the window practically as soon as they drive up and she seems “sad but okay.” Okay let’s go. Not. Dean notices that the mailman and the gardener are demons because of their poorly done and repetitive work. After stabbing the gardener in the throat, he waits peaceably in the backyard for the mailman (Sam takes him out). In the house one of the mom, Linda’s, friend is telling her that he’ll come back. Not two seconds later, Kevin is at the door. Linda passes the borax test but her friend Unice does not.
Have you ever tried to convince your mother that demons are real, stalking her, and kidnapped you? It isn’t easy and trust me, it won’t go as smoothly as the show makes it seem despite “prophet of the lord” having “a nice ring to it.”
Dean and Sam want to put Linda Tran in a safe house while they go to find the tablet. Linda isn’t having any of it and Kevin rightly tells them that he can’t tell her what to do. The conditions for riding with the boys are hex bags and tattoos. Linda is game and sits calmly for her ink while Kevin whimpers the whole way thru. Dean then asks Sam how he did the reverse exorcism he pulled to keep Unice’s demon in her body. He replies that he said the verse backwards. It seems so simple why didn’t they ever think of it before?
They go to retrieve the word of god at a bus stop and find...a diaper bag. Better luck next time!
The security guard tells them that the lockers were frequently burgled to the point it was everyday one week. The man doing it was the previous security guard and is now cooling his jets in jail. While Sam works out the deal with him, Dean flashes back to purgatory where he was interrogating someone to find Cas. In the present, Dean re-enacts the memory with the guard and the guy tells him where he thinks Cas is. In the memory, Dean stabbed the creature thru the soft underside of the jaw but in the present, he lets the guy go.
The gang head to a pawn shop to ask about whether the owner saw the tablet or not after the guard has told them that’s where he sold it. Pawn guy tells them he didn’t see the tablet. Dean threatens him. The guy threatens them right back with his security camera and it’s Linda to the rescue! She points out the newly acquired Ferrari Spider outside and the fact it likely isn’t registered with the proper tags and gets the hotel room number in exchange for her silence. There we meet another guy who recognizes them all and gives them an invite to the sale of the word of god. The man is revealed to be the right hand of Plotus which Dean quips “is that even a planet anymore?” The hand is unimpressed but adds them anyways to Kevin’s invite.
Dean and Sam argue over their funds including selling Baby but anyone who’s seen the preview knows that’s not what they’re after. Besides, the new plan is to steal the tablet before the auction. Once there, Dean gets reprimanded by the Hand and told to fork over all his weapons, of which there are a lot. Of the other items being auctioned, Thor’s hammer is among them. They find the tablet under the Supernatural equivalent of lock and key but pretty soon it’s all “Hello boys.” Class, say ‘hello’ to Crowley.
Crowley makes a false apology to Kevin for killing his girlfriend and when he compliments Linda, she slaps him hard. Just as things are getting interesting, the host of this whole shebang walks in. “Good luck with the bidding.” Crowley rasps.
Dean is approached by a man in a fast food uniform who claims to be an Angel and have known Castiel. Dean informs Alfie that Cas didn’t not escape purgatory and Alfie hangs his ‘Weiner Hut’ hat in remorse. Our following flashback shows Dean reuniting with Cas (who looks scruffy despite Dean being clean shaven). Cas is having a crisis of sanity (he thinks he is) and Benny asks why Cas ditched Dean. Cas admits that he ran away because things have been hunting him since they arrived and despite the fact Dean prayed to him every night, he stayed away to protect Dean. Dean tells him that they’re getting out and he’s not leaving there without him. Cas says he understands and we’re pulled back to the present.
“Ladies, gentlemen, and... other.” Everyone pulls out all their cash and credit cards while Crowley taunts Samantha that he could always make more demons. Unfortunately, the auctions are being conducted in dwarven gold. Dean leaves to go to the restroom but instead follows a creepy guy down a short hallway where creepy puts something in a storage room. Dean lifts the key and takes a peek. Seeing the tablet, Crowley bids $3000 dollars, Alfie counters with the Mona Lisa, Crowley adds the real Mona Lisa where she’s topless, Alfie – Vatacan City, Crowley – The moon, did you really 
think a guy named Buzz would end up on the moon without making a deal? But alas, the reserve has not been met yet so the auctioneer adds Kevin. Linda puts up her soul before anyone else can bid. Crowley counters with all his souls but it’s the greatest sacrifice not the quantity. Crowley then bids his own soul. “Mr. Crowley, you don’t have a soul.” And congrats, Linda wins her son. By the way, Crowley is a sore loser.
Dean, Sam, and Linda are the only ones left in the auction room. Linda asks if it’ll hurt when she loses her soul (yes) and whether she would die (she will wish she did). Dean and Sam agree that it sucks but they got off cheap. They might have but Kevin didn’t and Linda sure as hell didn’t. Alfie offers his condolences to her for losing her soul and offers to take Kevin into protective custody. Linda remembers the last time they took him and went missing for a year. The auctioneer is determined to be all creepy with getting Linda’s soul. She starts to offer her hand to trade it but Dean notices her burned off tattoo. The hand of Plotus burned it after the Alfie scene. Crowley then takes the room, takes out everyone except Dean, Sam, Kevin and the Hand, and leaves declaring one out of two ain’t bad. Dean gives chase and the Hand attacks the remaining people. He’s easily taken out by the Thor’s hammer (as is the man who bought it at auction; “Where’d you get the 5/8th of a virgin?”). After a nearly epic fight scene, Crowley’s red essence goes back to Mark Sheppard’s body who gives Kevin some speech about how allies of the Winchesters tend to end up dead and leaves with a “toodles.”
Minutes later, Linda still hasn’t moved or said anything. Dean tells Kevin that she went thru hell and Kevin tells the he want to talk to his mom alone, not endure another one of their crappy speeches. Sam asks Dean if he was going to slit Linda’s throat. Dean says he was even though he would have hated himself because it’s Crowley. They notice the next room is a little quiet. When they check it out they find a note from Kevin saying they shouldn’t follow him because they don’t need him any longer and people Dean doesn’t need end up dead. Dean then flashes back to Cas yelling his name and reaching for his hand. No Destiel fans, this is not what you’re hoping for, Cas appears to be hanging for a cliff in mortal peril.
Next week: Sam threatens to quit at the end of this mission. In other news, SPN fans are going to party like it’s 2005.
...And on a related note, I remembered the tag this week. Yay!
