Whitney — A second life on CBS [UPDATED]

Fresh off its first season run crowned by awful reviews and bad ratings on NBC, Whitney is heading down cancellation road. But don't worry, Whitney fans (there are four of you, according to the last census), CBS is about to officially announce that they picked up the show for a full 2nd season. I got this from a very secret and powerful source who had a lot to do with this move from CBS. I cannot reveal who it is but let's just say President Obama doesn't appreciate only The Wire and Homeland.

Whitney's reviews are mixed, to say the least (or terribly bad and absolutely true, to say it like it is) :

"The problem is that Whitney is a terrible show." — The New Yorker.
"If you caught a snippet of Whitney unawares, you would be forgiven for assuming that it's one of those shows-within-a-show that exists to caricature bad television." — Slate.
"Watching the pilot was like having vomit poured in my eyes, the vomit of something an NBC executive ate in the 80s and decided to throw up in 2011. And it does not taste good." — The Bunk Tribune.

But if CBS cared about critics, we would know that by now, and the network wouldn't be #1.

CBS entertainment president Machin Chouette declared : "It will be the perfect addition to our lineup. We heard the fans, they want more Whitney, and we're gonna give it to them alright. Why do you need Kristen Wiig, Tina Fey or Amy Poehler when you can have Whitney Cummings ? I mean, even her name is funny. Well, sure, at first, I thought she was a porn actress, and after the first meeting I had with her in my office I was still convinced she was one, if you know what I mean, wink wink [laugh track]. But now I see her for who she really is : the new Jerry Seinfeld. It's like if Louis C.K and Chris Rock had a child."

The new season of Whitney is likely to be paired with the second season of 2 Broke Girls, also created by Cummings, in order to create a 1-hour comedy block for the ages. But Machin Chouette announced Whitney will go through a few modifications, namely that they will rename the show Shitney, or $#*!ney. "I don't know, it just feels right", said Chouette, adding, "We wanted to stay subtle. When people think of CBS they think of subtle, and I agree. Except for that Good Wife show, I don't get it, it makes boo-boo in my head."

"The success of 2 Broke Girls and iRob! is proving that there's an appetite for characters that resonate with our young audience, whether they're snappy waitresses or has-been supporting actors. We feel that Shitney, dealing with universal themes such as being unfunny or being outdated, will click with our viewers and provide laughs for the whole family, especially if you have blind and/or deaf elderlies. When Whitney's boyfriend annoys her, gets angry with him because of their differences but in the end their mutual friends bring them together and they make peace, it's just shouting '15 million viewers'."

Season 2 will be produced by the guys behind Mike & Molly, the CBS laughter riot starring Oscar nominee Melissa McCarthy. $#*!ney might have this show as a lead-in on Thursday nights, as part of CBS' move to expand its comedy lineup. Speaking of Mike and Molly, Machin Chouette says : "We're thrilled to have an Academy Award nominee among us. Having recognized actors on CBS is very new, we're so proud of our little Melissa. When she sat in that sink, shat and expelled all her diarrhea and guts down the drain, we knew she had what it takes to make it big in Hollywood, and especially in CBS family. Before 2011, who knew women could be funny ? Who could have imagined that ? She has what it takes to be a CBS legend like Charlie Sheen and Kyle Bornheimer. And soon Whitney Cummings — I call her W.C — shall rise alongside them."


Shooting of episode 2.01 of Shitney will start tomorrow and no writer is involved so far, but I hear W.C has written the first 10 episodes on a sheet of toilet paper yesterday and will write the rest of the season on Thursday morning.

But there's already rumors that Bidule Truc (the man behind Poisson d'avril who is now the right hand of Machin Chouette) has been hired to run the show. When asked for comment, Bidule Truc, a former NBC employee, replied : "I think of myself as a shepherd, leading millions of asses on the path to comedy Heaven with a carrot in the shape of a tape recorder (with a laugh track on the record). If you must know, I'm on medication right now, but I'm not sure it's effective. Who do you think has been keeping Two and a Half Men on the air for the past 10 years ? Don't tell anyone, but I'm bitter that NBC threw me out a few years ago. 'Too many dumb ideas in that man's head', they said. 'You're living in the past, Bidule, no one in their right mind should be doing that kind of comedy nowadays'. Well, who's laughing now, uh, NBC ? Certainly not the people tuning in on CBS, but I am !"

Whitney won't be the only addition to the CBS lineup. Some sitcom pilots in contention for a pickup on CBS include :

— How I Banged Your Mother's Theory : A remake of both The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother, starring Bob Saget, Lily's father and Stuart from the comic-book shop.
— KKK - Loud, rich and… FUNNY!!! : A show starring the Kardashian sisters, who're involved in the writing process as well. I've heard that now they know how to use a pen ("So that's where the word 'penis' comes from", said Kim).
— iLorenzo! : A show about the life of Lorenzo Lamas, scheduled to be paired with season 2 of iRob!, the show about Rob Schneider's life, in a comedy block entitled "One hour with comedy Gods".
— How do I make comedy? : A show about CBS executives trying to figure out how to make comedy. It's a documentary, not a mockumentary. Don't worry, there's a laugh track anyway.

The following epic dramas are hot in this pilot season, they might be in CBS's lineup next fall. Here they are :

— Murder on Detective Street : CBS has no idea what this show is going to be about yet, they just loved that title.
— Who's the murderer? One hour to find out! : It seems complicated, but it's really simple : someone gets killed every week but the cops find out who did it. The twist is that the cops are not played by humans but with robots who act like humans. CBS is confident no one will tell the difference.
— CSI : Los Angeles. It's about LA cops who catch bad guys on a weekly basis. The twist is that it's not in New York, Miami or Las Vegas but in Los Angeles, so that's different.
— Handcuffs & Whip, a show inspired by true events : the story of two cops, Roger Handcuffs and Steve Whip. One puts the cuffs, the other one whips, and they both want to expose the bare truth.

And we've heard that in 2013, CBS might launch a sci-fi series called Back in Time. It would be a show about a 2050 cop knocked out unconscious in the first minute of the pilot, then he wakes up in 2013, doesn't remember a thing and joins the NYPD to solve crimes each week. The twist is that Back in Time stops being a sci-fi show after 50 seconds. "With such a bold formula, I expect the show to run for 15 seasons", said Machin Chouette.

Source : The Internet.


MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT :

It's with a heavy heart that I must report this terrible update : Whitney will not move to CBS next season.

Whitney Cummings said it's a "creative decision". She did not want to jeopardize the "legacy" of her show and wants it to retain its "cult status", cancelled because it was "ahead of its time". She would not have as much creative liberty to create "groundbreaking TV" on CBS as she did on NBC. "My show is like a duck, you got to let it fly free". Or in this case you got to let it crash into the turbine of the flight Peacock 815 heading to Canceltown.

I, too, am deeply saddened by this decision. But all hope is not lost ! Indeed, rumors indicate W.C will shop the show to HBO, Showtime, FX and finally AMC, which I'm told is the frontrunner to pickup the NBC sensation.

So far, AMC has not commented on the rumor, but they have released the following image, which I think says it all.