Survivor South Pacific, Episode 5 Recap: "Who Wants Pork?"

Here is Sean Furfaro's Recap of Survivor South Pacific, Episode 5.

Wow. What a night to have pork for dinner. And not just pork…but two kinds of pork: butterflied pork chops stuffed with sausage. There’s a lot to talk about with tonight’s episode, so let’s all just bite off a hunk of meat and dive right in.

My Random Thoughts:

- Previously On…Survivor: a gentle reminder that the tribes are evenly matched, and that Ozzy has an Idol, but Jim is working behind his back with Cochran. Also don’t forget that Dawn lifted weights to eliminate Stacy, and Brandon broke down at Tribal Council, where Coach was hug-snubbed.

- For our Night Vision Recap at Redemption (Non) Island (NVR at RNI?), Stacy and Christine vented about Coach like two hens clucking on the classic SNL skit “Coffee Talk.” Stacy turned on the crazy again, saying that everything was not “hunka-dory”, and then ranting that “all y’all gonna go to hell with gasoline drawers on.”

She then claimed that, at the Duel, she was going to “start up a bee's nest.” I thought the phrase was “stir up a bee’s nest”, like you would disturb the nest to rattle the bees and get them all riled up…how would one actually “start up a bee’s nest?” Sure, it would be easy if you were into apiculture, but I don’t think it’s that easy for the rest of us…walking around collecting bees and trying to get them to stay together in their new nest.

- Morning at Upolu started with another apology from Brandon, this time for waking people up. I’m starting to think that this guy will apologize for anything. I’m waiting for him to apologize for the colour of his shirt, the font on his tattoos, and his accent.

He then went on about Mikayla being “prejudiced” about him being a Hantz. Yep, that’s right…only 16 seconds into the show before we got a reference to Russell. Let it Go, CBS! Then he cried about his feelings, and told everyone he’s a good guy. Blah, blah, frickin’ blah…is there anyone out there who ISN’T sick of this?

- At the Duel, Stacy and Christine continued their angry-woman rant, which was clearly “All About The Benjamin” (sorry, couldn’t resist that link). Stacy then went off on her own language again, talking about anything and everything, none of which made sense. These are the exact quotes I took from her: “halloween jokes”, “Chuckie the Cheese”, “Ben was so loyalty”, and “Every day want a story…I want mine” before going OFF THE FRIGGING CHART with this nugget: “They tell you like, yesterday, like the Tribal was all cahoots. Benjamin, let’s give a hood. Keep that hood. Boop! For me…cuz it wasn’t real.”

Ok…just so you know…to get that quote, I actually had to pause the PVR and back it up 11 times, which took over 4 minutes! And, once again, I have no idea what it means. Thanks to those of you last week who accepted my challenge in the Comments section to translate the Stacy-ese quote I provided in the recap. I don’t know if anyone nailed it exactly, but digable, Jennifer Harris, Choirchick22, R.P. McMurphy, and Shannon A all gave worthy translations. (R.P. McMurphy, you were my fave…” the isthmus that is in actuality a peninsula” sealed it for you)

- The duel itself was a Redux of the Final Immunity Challenge from Survivor Tocantins between J.T. and Stephen, which I really liked at the time, and enjoyed watching again. Christine looked like an NHL goalie making save after save, while Stacy appeared disinterested instead of focused, like she didn’t really care. Christine won the Duel to go 3 for 3 this season.

The big news coming out of the Duel, was that Albert actually talked…even if he did just say “sour grapes” and “it’s only a matter of time”.

- After the Duel, Mikayla and Albert told Coach about Stacy spilling the beans about the situation at Upolu camp. The Dragon Slayer was clearly rattled, going so far as to label it “disgusting”, and saying, “if anyone calls me Benjamin to my face, I’m gonna go nuts. My parents call me Coach.” Your parents call you Coach? Really?

- At Savaii, Elyse and Ozzy were snuggled up in their hammock, where Elyse told Ozzy “You’re a good guy”, and Ozzy told her “You’re like my little omen.” (?????) Elyse then went on to speak confidently about her group of 5, including Jim, and how solid they are. Let’s call this our weekly SFMOTW (see last week’s recap for an explanation), as a blatant message that Elyse was in trouble.

- Cochran then showed he was the little Cochran that could, collecting wood and dropping it off. Ozzy asked him how to spell his name, and Cochran said not to worry. I know Cochran was trying to avoid the voting conversation, but I truly think Ozzy was just trying for a really awkward double entendre.

- Dawn and Whitney then gave the rest of Savaii the full scoop on Benjamin running the show at Upolu, and mentioned that Albert was allied with Coach. Ozzy then said “If Coach is smart, he’ll get rid of Albert soon” which was a really dumb thing for him to say. Think about it…the message he is sending is ‘I am in charge, I must get rid of a strong player, even if he is my ally.’ Big red flag for Jim. Nice read, Non-WPT Champion.

- Albert was frustrated as well, because he now knows he’s a target, so he decided to look for the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol. It didn’t seem that hard, as he apparently just strolled up, with his non-blurred crotch, and plucked it out of a hole in a tree.

Now, that would lead to the obvious question as to why I was looking at Albert’s crotch…but I wasn’t. As he took the clue from the tree, my girlfriend said to me “Why isn’t his crotch blurred?” and then I noticed…but only for a second before my mind said “What the hell is SHE doing looking at his crotch?!”

Albert started climbing trees in the tide line, and when he couldn’t find it, told Coach and Sophie about the clue. Coach predictably took over, tree-hopping, but he too couldn’t find it, so he prayed for help. And lo and behold…he found it. “Ask and you shall receive,” he told us, but I will re-iterate once again, God has no interest in the outcome of Survivor.

He was understandably excited after finding the Idol, and told us “I’ve got to get a hold of myself and just say 'Dragon, just get back in there' ” as he motioned like he was putting his heart back in his chest. What did that mean? Is the Dragon coming out of his chest? Is he the Dragon? I thought he was the Dragon Slayer… I’m so confused...

- Cochran went on a fishing trip with the boys, even though, as he put it, he has zero experience, zero ability, and zero confidence. “‘The ocean is the canvas, and the fish are my palette”, he said, which seemed backwards, unless he was planning on putting the fish back in the water instead of trying to get them out.

Ozzy was once again happy to play the provider role, despite the hardships of fishing, like getting cut and having to hold his breath (the horror). Other than his few minutes a day where he was the provider, Cochran told us that he was essentially “a lazy ass”, which seemed about right.

- At the Immunity/Reward challenge, I was happy to see the King of The Blue Shirts wearing a nice Duke Blue button-up (Go Blue Devils!) Rick was equally happy see that big hunk of meat on the spit, nodding seductively and saying “that’s nice”.

The teams had 10 minutes to bite and spit to try and fill a basket with pork, and the team with the most would win. What would they win? Immunity of course, plus bread, veggies, and spices.

Um…what?

You’re telling me that the team that wins this challenge doesn’t get to keep the unchewed meat on the spit??? That’s like taking someone to a nice steakhouse, or a Brazilian Rodizio restaurant, and then telling them they can only have the salad bar and some dinner rolls.

Jeff had a ball with this one “Dawn with a big hunk of meat”, “Coach gnawing off something big”, and “Rick with a HUUUGE piece of meat”, to which I imagined Rick’s wife pointing at the TV at home and saying “Damn right!”

Keith had meat stuck in his teeth, so Dawn helped in a May-December sort of way, Mikayla took a piece off the ground (you go girl!), and the in-basket camera shots led Probst to say bluntly what we all were thinking: “This is a disgusting challenge.”

At the end, Ozzy was left holding the whole spit, like a dog with a bone, but it would come down to what was actually in the basket. Remember that part in the “Previously” segment where we were gently reminded how evenly matched these tribes are…and that one challenge came down to just one coconut? You knew this was going to be close.

Savaii ended up with 22 lbs, 12 oz, and Upolu scraped by with 22 lbs, 14 ounces. Only 2 ounces won that challenge…probably less than the piece Mikayla picked up off the ground. If she doesn’t stop for that piece, I think Upolu loses. Brandon then pointed skyward again to give thanks. Please see above for God’s interest in this game.

- The teams ended up being able to keep the chewed pieces (gross) and had a pork stirfry prepared by Brandon the Cajun chef, who I’m sure apologized to everyone for the spices he used, but that was probably cut out. Coach enjoyed his meal, but not as much as the “Taste of Victory”, which ironically was the name of tonight’s episode.

- In the aftermath, Dawn lost part of a tooth, and Cochran warned of oral herpes, awkwardly proclaiming that “you haven’t lived until you’ve had a cold sore.” He scrambled, trying to curry favor with his tribemates by cutting open some coconuts. I loved this exchange between him and Whitney:

Cochran: “Anybody want this coconut?”
Whitney: “Is there juice in it?”

Well, Whitney, I have to think that Cochran is employing a pretty bad survival strategy if he hands you an empty shell and says “No, chew on this.” OF COURSE there is juice in it!

- On a side note, watching the cast hack away at coconuts with a machete, I have to wonder: how has no one ever lost a finger on this show?

- Cochran, Dawn, and Jim were allied to vote for Elyse, but they needed one more vote. Jim talked to Keith about Ozzy’s earlier comment, and Keith immediately agreed that Ozzy’s Hammock Sweetheart needed to go. But they disagreed on whether to tell Ozzy or not. I think it's an interesting strategy that Keith and Whitney voted for Dawn to "keep their hands clean", but I think it will have the same result (pissing Ozzy off) as if they had just voted for Elyse.

- At Tribal Council, Ozzy was overconfident, and not worried about trust, stating that it’s all about keeping the Tribe strong. Cochran was on the defensive again since Jeff pointed out that he always receives votes. Elyse was very sympathetic towards Cochran, which was another clear sign she was getting voted out.

- Despite Ozzy’s attempt at wittiness in the voting booth that the “Coch-train” (which I think was the name of one of his pre-Survivor soft-core films) was on its second-to-last stop, she of the knit bikini was sent to Redemption Island in a spectacular spelling display that saw 100% of the votes cast for her spell her name wrong (Lys, Elice, and Elise). I re-iterate the need for a spelling template in the booth.

- I have to say, I am getting seriously aggravated with the editing that gives away the entire episode week after week. This was by far the worst. It used to be so much more subtle, but now it’s so obvious. Am I wrong? Is there anyone that didn’t know how this was all going to go down tonight after watching the first 5 minutes?

- Also, Just a quick note to send out a special thank-you to Mikayla Wingle and Edna Ma, both of whom have been re-tweeting the links to my recaps on Twitter. Follow them at @ILuvMiki and @BareEase.

Next week: Ozzy is a Wolfpack of one…and more coconuts.

Survivor Fans, feel free to check out the archive of Survivor Recaps at Sean's Random Thoughts, or you can also add me on Facebook or Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions.

Thanks for reading.