American Horror Story - Episode 1.01 - Pilot - Review

This review does not reflect the view of the majority of SpoilerTV readers. Continue at your own discretion… something that should be written on a sign placed on the door of that house.

American Horror Story starts off with two kids entering the House (which is like a character in its own right) after a girl with Down Syndrome tells them so nonchalantly, "Excuse me, you're going to die in there." The rest of the episode is the same way: characters talking in the most matter-of-fact ways about things that are so gruesome and terrifying, if done correctly, that Story basically treats them like nonissues. Topics like miscarriages and self-harm via cutting and lung cancer and murder are spoken of with such ease, you know the creators believed doing so that way would freak you out. Instead, it just puts you off. It's as terrible as a B-graded high school class project. And I'm not joking with you.

I took four years of "TV Production" in high school and I can genuinely say, I could have made this pilot. I don't know if I should feel happy about that or if it's just incredibly sad. But I'm betting on the latter.

The dialogue is completely one-dimensional (and not in a fun, satirical way), the camera movements and angels are completely premature (and not in a fun, satirical way), and the editing is so devastatingly half-assed — all of which are supposed to sell the audience into this creepy, horror genre but end up being the product of something you'd happen to stumble upon during a lazy Saturday night rummaging through crappy Netflix movies.

The only other Ryan Murphy show I have watched (and still do) is Glee, so I don't know if this is true for all of his shows, but the camera direction for both shows is eerily similar — and both shows are supposed to be completely different. The angles (those somewhat slanted ones), the editing (which is inexcusably quick), the movement (the zooming in from an establishing shot as if the tone is quirky and upbeat; they also do that one where they follow the character from behind you almost think they're carrying a slushie to throw in someone's face but instead they're about to get brutally jumped) are all so familiar that the only difference is the color grading of the actual video. I mention all of this because if you think the show will be good enough to watch based on cinematography alone: you're wrong.

And with that in mind, the score and the supposed tone of the show completely mismatch the production value. Lines like "I MADE A MISTAKE!!!!" cut out so quickly to the next line which is a soft whisper so constantly that it's aggravating, not freaky. And scenes jump cut so much with themselves it'll make you think something's wrong with your cable set top box connection. And the quick editing, flashing some horrific image that's suppose to elicit screams, is not scary. Not in the slightest. And I'm someone who doesn't like visiting haunted houses.

American Horror Story feels like Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk's way of finally being able to say "shit" on television as they try to get Dylan McDermott as naked as cable network will let them while simultaneously trying to freak you out with cry-masturbation and cry-sex. A latex-covered whatever-that-thing-was having sex with Vivien wasn't scary, it wasn't freaky, it was uncomfortable.

People in this show scream bloody murder things like "EAT IT OR I WILL KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU" while breezing through lines like "My mom had a brutal miscarriage" and then try to unsettle you with "I had the mongoloid" (referring to the girl with Down) with such reckless abandon it's completely careless and it's not good, not in any way.

One of the only good parts is Dennis O'Hare's performance but the show couldn't leave his acting on its own, they had to give him 70% full-body burn while flashing back to a homicide scene that looks like a child's pop up book and treats the crime as such, too. Constance, the maid, turning into a younger version of herself in front of Ben is as freaky as it is sexy (until you realize her actual age). And that's it.

American Horror Story is like Glee if the tiny bit of gravitas, or even normalcy, in that show was stripped away and what you were left with was a universe where anything goes and we're just supposed to put up with it solely based on its genre as if that's an excuse for anything. You probably didn't think any show could have less of a sense of reality and ground than Glee does, well it's as if Ryan Murhpy and company thought the same thing and said:

"Challenge: accepted."

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You can read more of my reviews at NoWhiteNoise.com