Two and a Half Men - Episode 9.01 - Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt - Review

"I'm hungry. Is anyone else hungry?" —Jake

Before we get on with this review, I think it should be explicitly stated that I'm not exactly a diehard fan of Two and a Half Men. I've watched the show — countless times, even — but in syndication, on my local The CW affiliate. Just like 15 million people last night (the surplus which showed up according to ratings), I tuned in for the curiosity factor. And after having watched Men with Ashton Kutcher, I don't exactly think my viewing habits will change.

"Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt," the season opener, was basically broken up into two parts that seemed as if Chuck Lorre and company had taken a step back from their lives and the Charlie Sheen tiger blood jokes before continuing with the latter half.

The first half of "Nice to Meet You…" included a room full of girls Charlie has dated and wronged ready to "spit on" his corpse. Three respective ladies confessed to Charlie giving them herpes, genital warts, and chlamydia (that last one from his ex-fiancée). His supposed latest fiancée, Rose, whom he proposed to in France, stated she walked in on him sleeping with another woman; she later referenced that he "slipped and fell" (imagine my air quotes) on the metro track and "blew up like a balloon full of meat." Charlie's mother quieted down the less-than-mourning room by chiming in that this is her dead son — then she quickly advertised the home he left behind and that is now on the market, brochures in the back. Meanwhile, not one character wrinkled their mouth into any resemblance of a frown.

Basically, Chuck Lorre, tell me how you really feel. Geez.

The jokes in Charlie "Harper's" funeral were so crass and mean-spirited that they were borderline rude. And I'm not offended easily. The sad thing is that if this was a supporting character or just some non-character's death on the show, these jokes would have been quite hilarious. But given the situation and knowing why Charlie Sheen's character was killed off the show, they just came off as insulting… immature, even. It's as if Lorre was trying to get the last jab in front of a sure-to-be-huge audience. As such, I didn't laugh. I didn't chuckle. I didn't even smile a bit. (Well, actually, Jon Cryer's reaction shots did make me chuckle.) And I have a hard time believing a live audience did any of those things.

And thankfully, Alan finally got a bit melancholy, the only scene with dead-Charlie jokes that were actually funny, when his brother arrived in an urn. "Berta, Charlie's home! … I'm here talking and you're where you always were: a bottle." I think that's really just a true testament to Cryer's acting abilities rather than the writing — and surely enough, thirty seconds later, Charlie's ashes go flying in the air as Alan is startled by Walden Schmidt peeping in the window. But don't worry, Alan can just suck him up with the vacuum.

The second half of the episode introduced Kutcher's Walden Schmidt pretty easily, as sort of the Charlie Harper foil (even Judith likes him, but that's probably only because of his blessed manhood). Alan, non the wiser, slowly begins to mold him into his own Charlie, just with a bit more heart and nicer qualities. And I have no quips about it. I think Kutcher is talented in this kind of environment and his delivery was on point, if just a bit reminiscent of Kelso. He seems like he has nice chemistry with Cryer, though that's the only interaction we saw of his. But I don't exactly know if that chemistry will continue if Walden's character is changed from a humble, maybe even a bit nerdy, guy to some womanizing sex addict. (Though, maybe that's what longtime fans want.)

But because of his entry into the show, the rest of the cast sort of got pushed to the sidelines. Angus T. Jones, also known as the half man and who is quite funny, got two lines. And one of them wasn't even a line. It was a fart. Yes, there was a fart joke. The other was quoted at the beginning of this review, which he said at the funeral.

It's hard to tell if everything will still be working in episode two and well past that. The comedy has not changed; it's all the same. I don't think anyone who's a Two and a Half Men fan will stop watching if they keep it like this. And as I'm not really a fan, frankly, I don't care to watch next week. I also wouldn't not watch. I suppose it depends what else is on. With a roster that includes The Sing-Off and Hart of Dixie, it's not exactly stiff competition.

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