"I made Christmas cookies.”
Maw Maw walks into the room wearing nothing but an apron for a top. They are not really cookies but dirt clods with little rocks in them. Virginia is in full holiday spirit and humors her. “Let her have this. It's the holidays” Burt didn't want any. “Burt... It's Christmas.”
Burt and Jimmy bring home their holiday moneymakers. This year's impossible-to-get Christmas toy – My Baby Sneezus, complete with gooey green mucus.
“It's stupid. What kind of idiot wants to play with a sick baby?”
“What kind of idiot wants to play with any baby?”
“You see I am playing with a baby, right?”
Regardless, Jimmy wants one for Hope. Because he never got good toys when he was little.
“Bad move. She gets good toys, she wants a good car, and then she wants to go to good college, and that costs like $10,000 a year, and then you are screwed.”
The family is coming out of church, with Virginia keeping Maw Maw on a leash.
“I don't think God would like it.”
“I don't think God liked it last week when she wandered off and made instant oatmeal with the holy water.”
“He might have chuckled at that. God I pray to likes to keep it light.”
Burt finds out that if Maw Maw died in the next two weeks, there would be no estate taxes, when they inherit her house.
“Arthur, are you suggesting I kill my grandmother-in-law?”
“She's lived a good life. If God decides to bring her home, maybe you shouldn't keep her on such a tight leash.”
Virginia signs Hope up for their church's living Nativity scene. She will be the Chance family's latest messiah.
The organizer makes an off-the-cuff remark. “You and Burt's little accident had his own little accident.”
Jimmy refuses. He thinks it's Virginia way to get attention for herself, but since Sabrina wanted to be part of it, Jimmy approves.
Unfortunately, the organizer chose another family for the part – an Asian Jesus. Her reason being Hope's reputation may scare people away from supporting the church. She was a murderer's baby after all.
“People suck, Hope. It's time you knew that.”
“Hell, that's why I love doing the manger so much. Because, for one night a year, people didn't see me as trash that got knocked up by a guy who never wore a shirt to school. I was the Virgin Mary.”
“I just don't want Hope to suffer like you did. There's has to be some way to change her label.”
“There is. She can be baby Jesus.”
Virginia sets up their manger across the street, from the church's.
It's Christmas Eve. Burt, dressed as a wise man, was waiting for Jimmy who was making himself look pretty for Sabrina.
“Thank goodness, back in Jesus' time one wise man wasn't trying to get in another wise man's pants, 'cause they never would have got there.”
Virginia is going to get ready at the manger with the Roman candles.
“Follow the lights to the manger.”
“Fireworks star of Bethlehem. I love how you can make something good like the birth of Christ, and you make it even better!”
Maw Maw comes out dressed as Joseph, feeling her facial hair. “Who the hell moved my vagina?”
“What up, wise homies?” Sabrina, dressed as the third wise man, meets up with them, when Jimmy is upset at Burt for selling the last doll, screwing Hope out of the toy, like he always did to him. No problem. Sabrina said that they can have the one she bought for Barney. It's not going to a kid.
Jimmy and then Burt give up their profit from the sales for Barney's doll.
“Maw Maw, wake up! Don't be sacrilegious. The Son of God was just born for cripe's sake.”
 |
| The Chance family's living Nativity scene |
Eventually, Barney gets back his doll, donating $2,000, the exact amount of Jimmy and Burt's share of the profit. And Hope got something more important for Christmas, a new label for people to know her by.
Burt, who was hoping Maw Maw would do herself in, saves her from choking on breakfast.
“Merry Christmas.”
Some highlights:
- The church sign: DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE. - GOD
- Hope's baby Jesus costume.
- Burt's truck being towed away for parking in front of a fire hydrant disguised as Santa.
- When the Magi see the firsworks, Sabrina saying, "Is that our star?"
- Jimmy raising up Baby Sneezus with the manger's Star of Bethlehem above, heralding it like Jesus. - That's when I realize that Baby Sneezus was a play on words.
- The label on the new organ: Donated by Hope Chance.
- Burt realizing the many ways Maw Maw could have died. Hit by a car. Electrocuted by poking at a fire on the TV. Choking on breakfast.
